I will never know shit. How on earth do I ever even accidentally believe genuinely that I have all the information I need about anything at all — anything…. doesn’t matter what it is, time and time again I find myself shaking my head at myself for being surprised that I am mindblown yet again by something I thought I understood for whatever reason, and realize that everything I think I know is nothing. I don’t know shit. And anytime I’m with an ego and level of close-mindedness that could ever even entertain the thought of that level of arrogance (not needing to learn anything else because I already know everything there is to know),…. Guys, I’m telling you now, either I’ve been cloned and that’s definitely some sort of mutated me or replica, or else I’m too far gone to see I’m not the center of everyone’s universe and the universe they exist in too– Either way,… here’s permission to do what you need to do to take care of it. *wink wink*
But seriously even in that dark humor and twisted metaphor, the point is that it shocks me that human beings, most all of us, get that disconnected buzz from all the distractions and media and lights and computers and advertisements,….. the stuff that seems so normal and pretty soon your initial buzzing of the first sign’s light that you heard that seemed so loud,… why can’t you hear it anymore? How did you not notice the hundreds of other buzzing hum of static that despite it being the noise covering up the silence beneath, somehow this electronic buzz becomes our new nothingness, to the point that we think that’s normal…. and can’t hear anything at all anymore- you stopped listening for it in time…. forgot it was the initial sound you heard… now you’re stuck thinking you’re in silence, but have no ability to seek out noticing what you have convinced yourself is the normal silence now.
I can hear the reverb already from me attempting to have this chat with anyone I might know,… they’d say something like, ” That is silence… you’re crazy, there’s nothing else there Resa. You’re talking about nonsense and freaking me out. What’s wrong with you? You’re weird. You’re always so stressed trying to figure everything out.”
These are examples from various sources that I hear…. I’ve learned through life, and through loving people genuinely and having no trouble with looking ignorant with no need to justify any further,…that I can see that regardless of this conversation already happening before and the fact that I remember everything people closest to me say to me about themselves because I am interested and love them and I just retain that for whatever reason in great vivid detail most times, at least the times where raw emotion is attached that I felt in the moment. Authenticity—if that’s present, and I feel it, and I care about the person I’m probably going to always remember it for as long as we are connected, if not my entire life.
I know this. I’ve always been this way. I’m known to be forgetful or clueless or gullible and so on and so forth… so most people just take that feedback about me from whoever and that’s good enough- cool.
Every once in a while I’ll have that rare opportunity that presents itself where someone genuinely is interested in knowing me on a deeper than surface level, deeper than observation, deeper than whatever you might read about, hear about, from wherever– Most people are fine with being told what to think about the person they’re meeting and they just embrace it– ‘This is Resa- the best friend/ My friend Resa, the artist…./. This is Resa she’s kinda weird….
You get the gist…. so many different intros I’ve heard before my name…. Good stuff, and I love the correlation the announcer is making in each introduction because that’s the most relevant piece to what attachment I have to that person or place or the person I’m meeting, or group I’m speaking for…
Formalities, I get it. Cool. Branding me? Yeah,… yep…. just realized I’m being “owned” by organizations —- holy crap— are we technically like “rental equipment” for big companies to use to create what they need? We are equipment for organizations- that sounds so twisted lol.
I also embrace whatever intro the introducer has for me as my connection to them is relevant… My point is that RARELY in my life have I been so lucky to meet that curious wanderer…. like me….
They may look like they’re going to go with the crowd, but they hang back, probably to avoid being labeled by the crowd for sticking back and talking still…. maybe not though….
A special rare moment exists when that individual comes back to ask more about me or what I’ve said out of no reason other than their curiosity. Don’t care what it is in relation to for them and their lives, yet… But I feel finally seen. For me. Every beautiful mysterious twist, turn, shortcut, dead end, and overgrown foliage of wildflowers, a beautiful mess overall….
The rarest of all…. to which I’ve met possibly 5 maximum over my lifespan of 35 years,…. those 5 rare treasures were the inidividuals that stopped and looked to see what was there versus what they think they see or are supposed to see— naw, the ones who actually look with no bias and a blank slate, well, they see this beautiful mess I explained in the paragraph above…
The 5 people in my lifetime,….maybe unicorns are better descriptions for how rare, without much exaggerating. They’re almost as hard to find as a real unicorn…. and so many times you’re convinced and told that they are a real unicorn only to find out they are pretending because they probably don[t know any better. They’re probably trapped in this idea that they’re not in control of themselves and their actions and thoughts and that this is how everyone in the world is too…. Anything different would be a magical creature- doesn’t exist…
And the possibility is disintegrating before it can even be entertained as possible. Nope. Nobody cares to question or explore, everyone just seems to be fine and okay with marching blindly, mindlessly, in the way they do because they think this is the only way there is.
Trapped in their own illusion in their minds.
Never questioning anything at all, ever.
This is reality…. everything I tell you is important, and every idea and way to do something is just what is. YES SIR GOT IT.
Fucking stupid, in my opinion…. not ignorance, but anyone who is aware and would still choose the way of the world without question… and who then forms judgments and opinions based on what the world told them they’re supposed to know and think and do and feel—
Did I break your brain? Pretty sure I had a blowout in my own. That being said…. The remainder of this entry I had written previously— it was started last night late, simple and innocent playing on homonyms in my nerd land dreaming of a way to have something record my thoughts I transcribe mentally through telepathy and it could be written and typed without me having to use part of my subconscious focus to correctly recall how to type and where the keys are… Seems like breathing to me at this point, but deep down inside that initial learned “program” for lack of better term, (e.g., how to type without looking on a keyboard)… and maybe I could access so much more if I weren’t splitting brainpower and could focus it all on just the poetry that exists and flows from my mind….
We are always wishing and wanting and waiting for what we don’t have….
Only to recognize on our death beds that none of these stressors we wasted our limited one-time-use time/moments on occupying time we can’t get back… ever…. Yeah, going too deep again, sorry. I wrote the rest of this much earlier today,… different moment, mood, emotion, etc…. Maybe I should’ve split the posts (probably because it’s what a professional writer would do I’d imagine…) but because it makes me uncomfortable I’m going to leave it here as is,… because I try to push myself into discomfort for opportunities for growth as many chances I can grab per day…. I’m disorganized, forgetful, messy as far as clutter, and have in no way, shape, or form the ability or talent for organization, cleaning, cooking, or other seemingly common sense things that most people can do like it’s expected and everyone knows how sort of thing… I’M AWFUL AT THESE THINGS… I EMBRACE MY BEAUTIFUL DISORGANIZED MESS… and people who know me understand I somehow know exactly where everything is… just looks misplaced and disorganized to what the world accepts as appealing (neat, clean, etc) versus unacceptable and frowned upon/worthy of judgment…
I’m a mess…. I know this. There are very very very few things I am OCD about and it’s instilled in me that I cannot help it it’s just important that it is exactly in the place it needs to be and done in this way if I’m doing it…. if someone else, cool… doesn’t matter or bother me– if it’s me and my doing, I get perfectionistic with two things overall: 1) my art and 2) my writing
So it’s really hard for me to leave this being the last sentence of this post and knowing the rest of this post actually belongs in a different place- I’m embracing this being okay and seeing what growth I can achieve through allowing myself to be uncomfortable. I found myself wanting to close it out and let it be known visually and obviously that it’s two separate posts, but again, because it’s killing me and I’m struggling to NOT do this, I’m going to not let myself do the comfortable option without reason for wanting to choose that. *Leaning into the Discomfort*
Having a Voice When the Words Won’t Come Out Right
Just WRITE what’s RIGHT and it’s already ALRIGHT
Sometimes I wish I could just telepathically transfer my thoughts and writings from my mind to whatever to be recorded. That’d be so much easier…
But what’s the fun in that?
Typically my writings are long and repetitively jump through deeper loopholes of a maze that every turn seems the same and familiar but you can’t be sure if you’ve already been here before or not….
Just felt like sharing these short and incomplete thoughts.
just a little less nonsense….
and no headache or confusion I bet. Ha!
Today’s overall reflection for self-awareness and growth I’d have to say would be a reminder NOT TO TAKE MYSELF SO SERIOUSLY. IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS!
So I continuously laugh at myself and life’s beautiful lessons and experiences that constantly remind me that I’ll forever be teachable so I pray I always remain teachable too.
Just for today I will embrace this. Today I remain teachable and thirsty to always learn more and gain new perspectives that were not my own. I yearn to explore and discover through chats, challenges, and conversations that challenge my ideas and what I think I know.
News flash: I don’t know shit.
And for those who think they know everything…
You’re at the top of my prayer list and sending positive energy vibes tonight. Cheers!
DISCLAIMER: I HOPE TO RETURN TO THIS POST AGAINST MY COMFORT LEVEL SAYING OPPOSITE, mainly to add in my part in all the bitching and griping and exaggerated emotion which is truly lack of sleep and also I guess putting an expectation or assumption on the idea that I’d found someone who meant what they said and really loved and were just like me and man I felt comfortable being myself and felt I was interesting and wanted to be explored only to realize tonight that I’m hurting myself trying to show someone something they don’t care to look at, explore, ask, or see in any other perspective or lens or possibility of having another way outside of their own.
I’m broken wondering if maybe it was me who saw a person I love and am in love with and inspired by and connected to in so many ways— but wondering maybe if that was just the reflection I was being shown intentionally just for a moment… I lost them thought I’d found and knew I had the person back that I adore and love and miss every damn day. I think of how to make him smile and how to show him he’s important without second thought. But then suddenly I don’t really see him anywhere- I see it looks like him and talks like him but every time I get excited to be in his presence or see him and feel like time after time it seems like I’m nothing more than a nuisance, placeholder, and someone to be there physically but don’t really matter what elder as long as I’m feeling loved and no doubt exists…. that’s who I am and how I love – I love deep and hard. I’m the most loyal and real you’ll find if I let you in that inner place…
And most people I let in (slim to none that close) seemed like they get lucky to know me like that. Honored even.
Not a nuisance.
Tomorrow I hope to find a moment to review this post and revisit with a rested mind and even emotion and find my parts in all of this. It’s all up to me and on me to decide my feelings and emotion and I solely alter this- emotion clouds my ability to see to the full potential the degree of rational thinking that needs to balance the gut feelings. Until then know I recognize this is garbage and unnecessary negative thinking and resentment even. New eyes await with the waking day.
Until next time!
Much Love! ❤