Iron the E of life…
Did you get it? Heh… I’m so corny it hurts sometimes. 😝
Sometimes I’m speechless because I cannot find the words our understanding of how to explain the random events I live…
I feel like there’s so many exhausting things that of happened in the last 48 hours that literally and the last two hours so many things were going on simultaneously yeah I couldn’t work towards any of them in the moment coincidentally enough and so literally I found myself sitting there sort of dissociating or detaching and a embrace of serenity or peace purely because there was nothing I could do to know How to even respond or feel or take action fourth and so what other choice do I have? Ha ha
I guess the easiest way to share what I’m talking about would be to rewind back to Monday evening. The night before I hadn’t gotten much sleep if any and I was exhausted and ready to crawl in bed and so I did. It just so happens the moment I crawled into the bed I discovered the news of a very influential individual in my life who had tremendous impact on the person I’ve become today and all the strengths I’ve gained in the last 10 years all stemmed from seeds that he planted and instilled in me almost a decade ago. Through constant work on my own of myself he and I were able to reconnect and find both of our parts in the past misunderstandings and discomfort and a few years back we reconnected, shared our truths, owned our own personal shit and clean our side of the street, and stayed connected and grew closer knowing that we can depend on one another at any time and utilizing each other when we needed to for feedback and honesty and resources to best help others and best help ourselves in Waze that are right and good for self growth and healing and doing the next right thing versus taking an easy route are being distracted by things like money. To choose the right way over corruption and to be the best versions we can be of ourselves. I actually was still talking to him even a few weeks ago joking asking questions that I knew he knew the answer to and of course using him as a connection for clients who were leaving my care and happen to be going in his direction to his area because I trust him and admire him and look up to everything that he does. I know his heart is in the right place and always has been. He called me a few months ago asking me my opinion about a job offer for a clinical directors position who was willing to pay a number that was very appealing and beneficial for him At this point in his life and his children in college and so on and so forth and he asked me for my honest opinion to which I responded, “ are you really sure that you want to ask me my honest opinion? Because you know I’m going to give it to you and will be 100% real based on my experience.”
“ I know you will babe. That’s why I called you for feedback.”
◦ And so I gave him my honest feedback in my experience and shared my personal beliefs, concerns, and explain why I no longer work there which involved something irrelevant coming before what was in the best interest of the client and their well-being. I found out later that despite the appealing number offered to him with his position and all of the financial stressors he was in countering in his life at this very moment this opportunity arose, he turn down the job because doing the right thing and being someone who genuinely cares about helping people best he is able, I think deep down he knew that even excepting that position would jeopardize his ability to keep the clients first over all else. I respect, look up to, I am grateful for, and had grown close to this man who was my supervisor, sort of,… my “boss” over the facilities I worked in 10 years ago.
Seeing that he had died hit me so hard that it took my breath away and that moment- like I’ve been punched and before I knew it I was blubbering sobbing uncontrollably to the extent that my eyes are almost swollen shut and the whites of my eyes then had a pink hue instead.
My boyfriend and I add a loud exhausting emotional negative interaction I just prior to this and if that isn’t enough in itself Somehow and I boyfriend allowed his pride and ego to flare back up despite knowing what I just found out and seeing me beginning the process of grief but still manage to scream hurtful things out of emotion on impulse in that moment and all I could manage to get out was “ don’t say things on impulse and emotion in a moment that you don’t mean and will regret later.
I’m already under a microscope with work because of how unfortunate and crazy my life is and needing to take off for random insignificant happenings more than I’d have liked to And with my time off available for this year dwindling down I decided there would be no way for me to function I will be beneficial and helpful to my clients or colleagues And decided it would be best for me to take a day off to process and grieve best I could also motivated by the fact that as sleep deprived as I was I will be putting my life and others in danger just by commuting the hour there.
Oh I did what I do best and processed through riding in the moment as I’m doing right now with no preparation or plan to discover and get out of me what’s actually going on and be able to process. The first post I wrote about surrounded negativity and use the metaphor of being caught in a storm and rain and how I have learned and I’m blessed with the ability to In the midst of the storm and torrential downpour be willing to sit in the discomfort willingly with excitement in finding the growth and positives that exist within it in the moment. My second post was a tribute to my mentor and friend I just lost and everything that I felt I needed to share surrounding how he impacted my life.
Fast forward to today I got a little bit of sleep but was awoken several times throughout the night so not a full nights rest. Because I was so tired I overslept left the house with wet hair but it worked out because it was pouring rain outside and I got caught in a downpour and me and some clients laughed about it all as soon as I stepped foot on campus.
Are the rain actually work tomorrow advantage and the fact that as tired as I am and as much as I’ve cried and as much as a feeling off my parents matched the weather and everything I got caught in I had to walk through perfectly.
The Internet went out at the facility which caused my office mates and I to converse a bit and we discussed the flood watches and flooding going on possibly in our area. I just shared with them that a day ago I looked up the flood levels but felt silly and laughed at myself because I don’t understand what they mean or when it’s bad or how to gauge what to do based on the numbers and chart so it’s really pretty pointless. I shared the story of how the last facility I worked at which is less than a mile from where I live now had the campus flood and had to evacuate. I brought up this example to ask a question to try and better understand whether or not this flooding is significant and would impact me and where I live or not. Within 30 minutes my boyfriend called and had informed me that a random girl walked into the house come to find out it was my old coworker and neighbor who had just left work because they had to evacuate campus since it was underwater and flooding worse than it did the time that I was there. I kid you not I can’t make this shit up. So her being the Caring and good hearted person that she is she decided to swing by my house to check on my dog just out of the goodness of her heart. It freaked out my boyfriend and embarrassed her and I was grateful to have the opportunity to meet. It was funny and coincidental.
And then I start getting informed that I might need to prepare to leave early because they didn’t know whether or not my road would flood or Highway 30, like it seems like nobody really knows what’s going to happen or how or when to prepare or anything…
I go and run my 130 group and informer people in my area to keep me posted as best they could. Towards the end of group one of my clients stormed out due to an outburst and I didn’t react as I usually don’t or study it at all because I understood what was going on and wanted to defuse the group before something was created out of a nothing moment of someone being in their head. And more happened on my way back to my office and I was so distracted in so many different areas of UNKNOWN that I couldn’t do anything at all. I kept finding myself trying to check the Internet because all I wanted to do was type my group note and move in any direction at all in any area of chaos that was occurring simultaneously in my life. But I couldn’t because the Internet was down and I couldn’t just leave because of how I’m under a microscope at work despite the truth of flooding in a certainty being present in current and right now in my life and so I just absently word vomited to my colleague about my life and these crazy experiences of my life that always look BAD on me but are always the truth and how funny and unfortunate it all is.
I decided I couldn’t do shit and with a little push in persuasion from her, I decided I’d be more productive by leaving and working at home and also it’d be the safest logical prepared thing to do.
And so here I am on my way home using voice to text to hopefully convey the humor and irony in all of this— in how I’m literally being given opportunity to practice what I just shared with my storm and rain metaphor and ironically it happens to be in the midst of a literal storm and flooding and it’s just too funny.
I can’t feel anything right now because I don’t know what the fuck is even going on at this point.
And there ya go- a brief synopsis of my days humor and irony.
Until next time! ✌️❤️