There’s Only One of Each! Different Masterpieces from Nature Always Different. Only One Opportunity to Experience Each Moment of Life Knowing Never Again Will it Exist as it Was Then, Ever. A Moment is a Gift Given Constant and Consistently for FREE. Existing Uniquely Always Present, and We Miss Moments When We Merely Exist Without Presence.
The typos and read is worth the inspirational find, for me it was at least, which is why I had to sprinkle some of that in the title and intro to hopefully get you curious;… for the jackpot you must journey and understand a little bit about the backstory, and the meaning behind the message will be a little more understood and profound i hope, versus blindly not just deciphering typos without a clue as to why the grammar is atrocious and words are obviously misused… Yes, and I’m an excellent writer and am very prideful in this skill so as much as it stresses me out thinking about how much it is TERRIBLE AND FILLED with all sorts of atrocious grammatical BOMBS DROPPED ALL OVER THIS POOR ENTRY.. I realized it was a part of the journey and recording of all of this and I think it makes me not some misread mask wearing magical wizard of words,
A MASTER and MANIPULATOR, the MOTHERFUCKING MAGICIAN, A MOUNTAIN-MOVING, MACHINIST of MYSTERY, MISERY, MOVEMENT, and MASTERPIECES of ME, MISUNDERSTOOD in the MOMENT by MANY, MARKED MISTAKES but MISERABLY MISINTERPRETED, …… MOVED by MISTAKES ACCIDENTALLY MADE MOTIVATED and MESMERIZED,
Differences and resistance push judgment and rebellion, a preconceived expectation by assumption alone based on first impression of whatever glimpse you happen to stumble upon,….
So many flaws and frustrations this writer is clearly uneducated and unprofessional, sloppy grammar and punctuation, no spellcheck, awful spacing and paragraphs, embarrassing to even be publicly presented, she must think that’s actually okay or good even. Bless it, this is atrocious, these ideas are more frustrating to me by the tone especially seeing how very different we are clearly just by style, and oh shit, this motherfucker minored in English and has a Master’s Degree in Counseling… MERGER of MINDS
Always know there is purpose behind how i write or record things down… I usually preface with either an apology and explain why, or I’ll just sit back and see who is paying attention to WHAT and WHY is this important to them? Perhaps I need to show them another direction and perspective too,…. You just never know. I’m transparent anyway, never plan my writing just let it flow out, and honestly I rarely reread or proof them, typically unless I’m using voice to text recording from the phone then my writing has no problems, I am not proper, but I can write and spell and by damned I’ll melt words together harmoniously blending them into the most satisfyingly divine temptation that leaves you filled, satiated, yet somehow still finding yourself wanting more.
I have been writing a lot recently, but realize not in the places I should be recording the profound deep realizations I find,.. instead I’ve been sending them handwritten to someone who is locked away in jail all while knowing any day he will be taken away to prison and unable to even carry with him any of that stuff,…. And the effort and energy and love is worth it and id not take it back, I only tonight wondered if they are even appreciated and anticipated with excitement or if they are something dreaded to read by length….
Alone,.. I never have asked, and that is selfish in itself of me to assume, but also a waste of my energy and time reflecting where I could record the thoughts forever and share them with more people and it can exist always, versus hours of writing and artwork I know is anyway now going to be trashed and unable to travel with him into the next chapter of this hard yet healing journey of growth and acceptance he is on now; So I decided to take time to copy and paste the long message I sent tonight on the stupid City Tele Coin app that I despise so much…. I started to erase the copied irrelevant text like ‘Reply” at the bottom of each copied screenshot text, and realize no, aside from his name I want to leave it just as it is for my own memory as well as to make it seem as it was in the moments I am experiencing sending messages this way, paying for each one I send and trying to squeeze as much as I can into it knowing that I can write however much I want to with it still being fifty cents each time.
I also want to keep every misspelled word and incorrect grammar because as I recorded these words I was driving home from work and using voice to text not minding the phone but speaking from the heart and allowing what was captured to exist as it was and that was just that… so however it[s written is how it is received on his end and the struggles to decipher he also is having now too…. I just need to keep it as close to the real thing as I can because it makes it that much more real for myself but also you the reader…. You may not know the story at all, but all I can say is that the last day I saw him as I left for work from home was the same day he was arrested, and if that wasn’t an adaptation in itself, we had just begun to truly mend the hurt his relapse and previous cheating had done to us,.;.. I was starting to see parts of the man I loved but had begun to wonder if he was ever real at all… And upon a week or two of getting him back in my life and staying with me again, and finding hope, I watched him, despite being physically injured and struggling to do daily tasks from his hands going numb and legs giving out, suspected neck nerve issue that he continued to put off and neglect which is still causing him suffering… despite his hurt, he knew i was struggling and for the first time panicked not having ever had to wonder how i was goin to put gas into my vehicle to get to work until i got paid, overdraft, credit card maxed out, bills piling up, no food, and no way to get to work even…. knowing i commute an hour one way daily, and gas prices were skyrocketing;. He took my car, filled it with gas, and got me not much but enough and plenty at the same time, groceries so that i could eat something and have one less day to worry about what or how to get fuel or food…. it meant the world to me. The very next day he even told me he was going back to his mother’s he knew i was keeping two extra dogs for 9 days just to earn some cash to survive- i was beyond overwhelmed… and he wasn’t wrong, i was definitely ready to take away another distraction and concern about not just my way of survival and eating and going anywhere, but an extra persona nd two extra dogs i just couldnt handle it all at once, and he saw that and left that Monday morning. Seeing hope and admiration in a man I about had given up on I discovered later that evening I lost him again to fate doing what it does best- and ultimately i lose him due to his neglect and lies and avoidance due to fear of consequence for not correcting sooner his mess-up ultimately finally caught him, on accident mind you, a complete mistake entirely on the officers behalf for why he was pulled over, and license was run and the rest was history….I wont pretend and tell you I didn’t get a good chuckle not only at the situation and destiny just fucking appearing BAM out of nowhere on ACCIDENT and a mistake on a cop’s behalf from misreading a tag thinking it expired, BUT WAS WRONG, so being pulled over for absolutely nothing is how he got ultimately arrested and facing what he needed. I laughed a lot and even moreso laughed on the phone to him in the midst of it. Earlier throughout the year the numerous lies, relapse, stealing, cheating, paranoia, verbal abuse, and manic and depressive episodes were a lot…. and in the end I did what is right and stayed true to my word and said i knew it would ultimately end up in the universe’s grasp and karma would take into her hands the chaotic mixture of it all. Man the whole situation is very funny to me, and come on you did it to yourself, I can’t tell you how many times consistently I sat motivating and encouraging the right actions and trying to push him but ultimately knew i can’t take the steps for someone else. And every fucking thing I pushed and encouraged and recommended, well by damned it it doesn’t matter and mean something now. LOL Out of a year of travel and crooked behavior and all the things in all of the places everywhere,…. the one time nothing was going on at all and it’s an accidental “my bad bruh’ cop mistake, which, I’ve never personally experienced in my entire 36 years of life, but also understand law enforcement are human too, and i have good friends in the police force met across my life in different decades a few really good dudes still active policemen scattered across the country, I partied with one in college- he pranked me once about gave me a heart attack- so again, I understand humans make mistakes because i am one and had a close friend as a cop who joked constantly… but his job he was usually on point… in fact, hes a detective now days…;married, kid, upgraded in his career. Proud of him. It’s very expected and probably more common that i know but im just saying I personally havent ever been ‘accidentally’ pulled over,…. ever. Hahaha i still get tickled thinking about the irony of this all.
He and I both know it was a God-moment having done for him what he couldn[t do for himself and the ultimate beginning to being able to live the rest of his life finally….
And I supported and connected with him in this, and committed to him as he shared he couldn’t have the betrayal again. And we grew closer still..;
Only for God yet again to step in and have a RANDOM never in my life would I believe it had it not happened to me moment occur…
A prisoner who Id gladly helped out by contacting his only family his grandmother, regarding a wallet she hadn’t received that was floating lost in the USPS – I was happy to check in and relay messages it was beneficial for me and I expressed my gratitude and positive experience in speaking with the sweet woman each time, even though the news stayed the same- no wallet received, I don’t have a pen to take your number, call back tomorrow dear. And I did, and learned he’d shipped out so my purpose had been fulfilled regardless of not having the hoped for answer each time.
I started getting calls from another jail and of course had no money on the account and didn[t answer. Not once but twice I had random numbers texting me on his behalf letting me know to answer and that it was “Jason”. I was confused and responded to both strangers to please tell him I have no money to answer the call and let him know his grandmother last we spoke still had not received his wallet. These calls persistently continued….. every single day, at least 5 times each day…. Ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore….. I’d send the last stranger’s number who text me a follow-up asking if he said why he’s calling and if they’d relayed my message? Finally I wondered if I was tryin to get swindled and I shut off a little bit, but then the stranger told me to answer that there was 10 bucks on his account he added and to answer.
I did.
And with no other intention or purpose with nothing to gain but rather money he didn’t have he was losing on a call to a girl he didn’t even know…. But he let me know what I wrote and said about he and his grandmother was the nicest thing he’d ever seen, and he knew my heart was genuine and pure and so God told him he had to do the right thing and tell me the truth, no matter what I decided to do with it….
And truth he did tell…
I felt like a broken fool discovering I was being seen by all these prisoners as a clueless girl and pawn in a game played by the man I was giving another chance to and sticking beside while he’s GOING TO PRISON,…. And initially a fire lit inside of me that I blocked the number and deleted the app for 2 days and of course I got curious by Sunday evening…. And a sincere sounding apologetic message owning everything and sharing an understanding for my ignoring him… Please answer. One more chance….
I decided to respond the following day. It began very rocky and I saw nothing but old behaviors and bullshit again. Somehow it got flipped into me being so smart to be so stupid to listen to a convict I didn’t know….. and I had already questioned this myself, but finally I went to the source and reached out to the ex-girlfriend to finally take off any blinders I was willingly wearing.
That’s how the truth surfaced truly. And that’s the two days I had no intention of ever speaking to him again.
The apology seemed like empty words when we chatted and I knew his being stuck and having no control and fear of losing me or whatever the million things erupting in his life all at once, I understood (damn me for being a fucking empath and therapist too at that lol)
So I decided to see if words are just empty or if anything would change….
Anger, resentment, jealousy initially fired up every block inside of me and I had attitude and hurt and so much to say but was paying literally for negative hurtful conversations only to run out f minutes and repeat the misery.
He told me to trust him now if I ever was going to do so, and not bring it back up and in again and I didn’t…. Despite him doing so twice himself, I did more than just that,…. I stopped caring entirely of the outcome, just embraced and was ready to discover something wonderful through the promises being real, or I was going to recognize the continued patterns and empty words…. Recently our chats have been good and he seems receptive and reflective and “awake” again./
I’ve been able to call him out on his self pity and negative attitude and how selfish he is not appreciating and pushing away everyone who really cares and blaming them somehow. I laid into him and pretty much gave some feedback expecting him to challenge and erupt in anger…
He surprised me with not only acceptance, but agreed, and reflected on it showing me he had actually read and was applying some things.
So the in betweens are irrelevant other than knowing I’d said I’d spend time with his youngest,… I’ve tried to mark her name out of these messages with XXXXX …. Our last fight came right before my message I just told you about where I lay into him and called out his selfish baby pitiful negative ass who was ultimately gonna be alone and deserved everything negative he felt…. His last attack came from assumption with only his side of looking into it, rather than trusting me, asking, and accepting that I always follow through. His words cut me deep that day insinuating I didn’t care about his kids and he called someone to make the drive to check in instead. That day I broke in a way I needed to, and I haven[t quite found need, desire, or seek the energy or effort to fix it back again…. Not yet at least, if at all….
It was a push that detached me in a way that I knew one more lie would shatter all future ability to trust or want this at all anymore, and that any positive change in time could still heal it…. the exact place I needed to be in…. I let loose, and shockingly it was heard and seen and owned. Our chats have been pretty good since then….
I let him know this morning if I didn’t answer his call its because I have just enough to let he and his daughter video chat and id ignore anything else until that happened first. If I found funds to add great but otherwise that’s not most important. He had called once right before I sent the 50 cent message out, and I didn’t get another attempt, which shows me he listened and respected me and what I said. I knew I had 50 cents maybe but no more and was so scared all day long that he’d send a message and ruin my ability to update him…. Again, he surprised me. Not a word or try on his part… which means either he listened and believes and respects me and wants that call too, or else he doesn’t give a fuck and has created his own delusional scenario in his mind… regardless I did what I do and made sure to reply as I promised I would reach out- he expected a video call but curveballs changed plans yet I knew I had to reach out and update him. There’s a backstory best I can give for the last month or more up until today….
The true inspiration and A-HA moments fall below in the message sent…. I never intended to write a prologue to this but rather just copy paste, then I realized nobody would understnad much of anything without minimal effort in some backstory. LOL. Please read further, if you get beyond the messed up misheard words from voice to text and can manage to wade on through the numerous typos and weird spacing and appreciate it all as authentic and raw as it was sent out, and as frustrating to write (and read on his end– on a kiosk, mind you,… with no chair on a concrete floor)…. Guarantee you’ll find something in the message you can use to not regret reading this after all. 🙂 Ha!!
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It’s long deal with it worth it and all I can
send with no reply so that video chat will
happen. I know it sucks but it’s worth the
while and I can’t talk to you unless I find a
loophole in the meantime this is it so be
happy! More is better when you don’t have
anything at all I think. Maybe it’s just me?
I haven’t forgotten you baby I promise I’m
just been that busy. I’ve gotten myself into a
bit of a pickle moving some money around-
so my bank is for bills and grocery, have
cash for my Kagan date, and put what i have
to be able to put on telecoin or canteen on
venmo. Smart thinking right? I thought so.
Until I realized Fuck my life man I didn’t put
damn gas in there – no big deal- it’s getting
better but I don’t have it exactly right yet..
So the thing that is a little bit frustrating is
that apparently when you put money on
Venmo it takes a few days to process and
actually show up or be accessible. That’s
fine cool, except for the fact that I’ve got
$6.00 exactly after this sends
I reached out to your mom following up
today and I guess she got busy so I told her
Keenan has the chnire and that
8:25
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XXXXX has the choice and that I can also a
do tomorrow instead of today and I was told
that tomorrow will be better and that Kagan
is outside playing right now so I’m really
excited to hear that she’s out side playing
and having a good time but also is gonna be
excited I hope to find out she gets a Resa
and XXXXX movie to look forward to for
tomorrow. A back to back good night-
Initially I panicked because I remember I
have a six dollars which is exactly what it is
to video chat if I’m remembering correctly
and now it’s pushed off till tomorrow and I
haven’t been able to talk to you all day and
know last you knew it’s still on tonight- Then
I got worried that you would send a message
and I won’t be able to respond but I literally
just left work and just followed up with your
mom and it all kind of fell into place working
out for the best for XXXXXXX which is what it’s
all about anyway. It’s a rather than get upset
or stress about figuring out a way to add
anything I decided I will work on that as soon
as I get to the house and I’m actually very
happy to hear that she’s outside playing in
the back of my mind know that she’ll come
in and hear about the movie tomorrow and it
8:27
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12/14/20217:29:06 PM
gives her something exciting to look forward
to tonight and tomorrow and then tomorrow
after the movie I’ll have a last surprise dad
video chat. Just thinking about all of that
brought a peace and comfort and
excitement that outweighed any stress or
negative in this moment. That’s the bigger
picture regardless if I can put money on
there tonight or not it’s already all right. He
and I could sit here and exhaust myself
stressing over miss calculating and moving
the money I thought I had but I actually don’t
have all of that bc I forgot gas is a huge part
of my “bills” and yeah, I’m human,
– [] The differences one month ago I would
carry this stress and trying to figure it all out
past one day into the next day but I promise
I’ve been working on myself and every area
and I mean that and I realize that even that
sucks but I know your heart and overall me
sharing the bigger picture and benefit is
Kagan ending up with this falling exactly as
it was meant to to give her two good nights
and a whole day of something to be excited
about. Ya know? And I might figure out a way
tr not monou tn talk taninht I hnna en hint I’ll
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12/14/20217:29:06 PM
about. Ya know? And I might figure out a way
to get money to talk tonight I hope so but I’ll
survive if I have to wait because that video
call is very important and it’s gonna happen.
That’s the priority baby if you get another
message from me it means I was able to
figure out how to put a few extra dollars on
here and if you don’t just know that I will be
writing you a letter or so really I’m still
talking to you you just won’t know until a
couple days. It’s actually very sweet the
more I think about it. I think it’s really
romantic to think about how back in the day
snail mail was all you had and so that
anticipation and excitement waiting and it
building made receiving the letter and
writing back that much more incredible. I
feel like the more advanced technology
becomes and the more connected we are
through technology has contributed to us
being more disconnected than ever before
nobody really realizes it. It’s sad. Kids today
won’t ever know that feeling of anticipation
that we used to have before cell phones or
Internet excited to answer the phone not
knowing who it’s going to be, you know?
Even we have forgotten how important that
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12/14/20217:29:06 PM
is and people lose touch with that and take
the little things for granted that are actually
the most important things in life. And our
grandparents generation and the strength of
their love and connections as compared our
generation is evidence in itself of my theory.
If they were away from one another they did
have to take the time to write my hand and
mail off any communication. It’s mind
blowing. Everyone depended on everybody
else I needed one another and appreciated
and respected everybody differently. If my
grandmother’s friend Hershey took time to
call her I can still hear her sweet voice and
excitement grateful that her friend was
thinking about her and took the time to
reach out. You know what I mean? Actually I
know that you know what I mean because
Innoway you’re experiencing that where you
are and realizing what’s important, what you
took for granted, and how stupid bullshit
trivial stuff that seemed important really
doesn’t matter at all. I’m actually really
excited for you and Waters transforming in
you through all of this discomfort and
frustration. I’m sitting here using voice to
text to write this and looking up at the
8:28
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text to write this and looking up at the
clouds Bruh I’m thinking about all of those
days are over a year that I would take time to
be sure to tell you to look up at the sky-
“Oh
wow are you looking at the sunset? Holy cow
the clouds are so beautiful. A photograph
couldn’t capture how amazing twilight is
even if I tried to are you outside seeing this?
Hey make sure that you use your
photography skills to capture that sunset
right about now…” You get the jest these are
all things that I’ve said and I’m sure you can
hear my voice picturing some of these times
in your mind right now. You know takes
moments like you’re in right now to realize
really you’re not doing time but rather you’re
getting your time back again Wayne. Do you
know my phone number by heart, you’re
interacting with others because you have no
choice there’s no distraction 6 inches away
from your face and you’re coming back to
life again. And maybe this is opening your
eyes a little bit to understanding me better
than before I remember distinctly you
jokingly but also in a frustrated way making
fun of how often as say how beautiful some
thing was, or how annoying it may have been
8:28
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12/14/20217:29:06 PM
the number of times you’ve heard sunset,
twilight, and clouds come out of my
mouth..
.. I have no doubt in my mind that
you wouldn’t be soaking it all in right now if
you could because even if I handed you your
phone and put you in the car with me looking
at the sunset I know which one is more
important and I think your heart is waking up
to remember what life’s all about and see
that I may seem like I’m distracted and in La
La Land I get the word childlike to describe
how I am by a lot of people but I’m pretty
sure your understanding why I do what I do
and why I am the way I am, and hopefully
you realize all of those times I just wanted
you to see and feel how beautiful the
moment was and realize there will never be
that moment existing ever again for as long
as you live. We only get one of each so no
matter how bad it may seem and what’s
going on in that moment I try to think if this
was the last one I ever have the chance to
have more is really important and what am I
wasting my negative energy and time
focusing on that is causing me to miss the
moment. I’ve missed too many moments and
I trv reallv hard to find an ooportunitv and
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each one I get. I find gratitude in the things
that seem so little or simple to most people
but I watch my grandmother go completely
blind and knew her heart as a poet and artist
because it’s what connected us closely and I
realize I take my site for granite too, and one
day there will be a time I don’t know when if
I’m lucky a long ways from now call Ma but a
Tamil comb that that sunset will be my last
opportunity to ever see one again, that
person and conversation was the last time I
got to talk to and the last words that I spoke
to whoever, if this was my last opportunity to
live and experience living I’ve got to realize
that I can waste my time looking to the
future and what’s next and thinking that I
can’t be happy or grateful or anything until I
get to that next thing and I understand that
hell yeah everybody is looking to get out of
prison but who is counting days and waking
up miserable waiting for that next thing
versus who is looking forward with no
expectation but seeing that goal and taking
it vantage of every opportunity and moment
in the meantime to truly makes experience
worthwhile and life-changing? Pretty soon
as alwavs vou lookina forward to the next
8:29
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thing and people lose themselves and the
moments because they’re so wrapped up
and thinking that next thing is what will
make them happy or bring them joy and it
may but they’ve missed out on all those
moments in between that could’ve also
consisted of the best things. And I realized
and remembered a whole lot about who I am
and what super important and what isn’t. It
took my plans getting a curveball thrown
and then being unable to communicate and
unsure of how or what or when I will get to
add money to talk
It took all of that and all of today stress to
bring me back to this one moment or piece
just washed over me and I realized I’ve also
started to forget and get distracted by
things that yes are important but work there
I was doing exactly what I know not to do.
I’ve been missing out on my moments
distracted and stressed out about a fear or
worry that a person who loves me and says
they do being upset with me for something
beyond my control I started to laugh at
myself because I’m a fucking idiot. I hate
that I don’t have a solution right now and I
can’t tell vou when or how I’ll fix this
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problem and get more money on here but I
can send this message I’m sure that it
doesn’t really matter because tomorrow
either way and I know for a fact that out of
the hundreds of dollars that have been spent
on calls alone, that six dollars is it gonna be
the most valuable and important bit that I’ve
spent yet.
– [] I am grateful this happened today. I
woke up again. I’m an idiot and have
forgotten my whole purpose and fire within
me, distracted by bullshit and allowing fear
of disappointment to dictate my life and
control my emotion. Fucking stupid ass
Resa, man I know me better than that I am
human I get lost too in the buzzing and
distraction… and then in the moments that a
subway from that and dive into riding or
being outside or whatever it is recently
especially I felt super guilty after and that’s
stupid. You’re my baby and an after year
well over a year now actually I’ve
consistently shown and follow through and
mint what I say and if you know me you have
no doubt that I’ve ever done or will ever do
anvthina to intentionallv hurt vou and that
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there’s always a reason and I fucking stress
myself worrying about what you think and I
just realized that’s not my problem that’s
your problem because the thing you should
know is that I’ve never broken a promise or
not follow through and if for whatever
reason I could not and made sure my first
priority was to communicate that because
again I will never hurt you intentionally and I
mean that from the extreme of cheating to
the simplest thing like making sure I follow
thru and reach out. And here I am later than I
wanted but the soonest I could reaching out
and making sure you know That I’m thinking
about you and love you so much and making
sure I show you and give you positivity in
case I don’t find a way to get my instant
gratification of talking to you when I want, I
gotta be patient and I know that 6.00 is the
most valuable of all of it combined, so yay if I
find a way and no sweat if not, it’s already
alright and I will get to I know it, it’s just God
slowing me down and reminding me to not
take for granted anything- and here I am,
appreciating this moment and having a
profound wake up in my spirit again because
of a moment I could’ve made chaos and
8:30
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12/14/2021 7:29:06 PM
stayed stuck on and angry about but it
wouldn’t change it lollll I just miss every
moment in between bc I’m not accepting
what is and appreciating what I’ve got when
I have it.
Im so glad today sucked so bad and how
stressed I was and that I can’t reach out
because I have remembered who I am and
see how I’ve let stupid shit influence my
moments. I know better.
I know that you don’t like long messages and
I’m sorry I had a lot to say and I was using
voice to text and haven’t proofread any of
this so know that in the back of your mind a
piece together whatever it doesn’t make
sense if I got the words wrong. I got in my
head after hearing you tell me reading puts
you to sleep and you’re not good at it and it
frustrates you when there’s a lot to read and
your books are on this kiosk and I got to
thinking not everybody enjoys the art of
riding in the beauty and handwritten letters
and while I am appreciating and on cloud
nine over here every time I open the mailbox
and see your name it’s pretty selfish of me
to assume that you enjoy or even interested
8:30
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in what I see as me pouring out and
dedicating loads of time to give to you in a
one of a kind deep personal intimate
handwritten way but fuck who’s to say my
efforts and intention of romance and proving
my love as boundless through all this writing
that I love to do and love to give but I never
once thought oh shit what is he fucking
hates them and isn’t excited at all but sees it
as more of a task and frustration? And I’m
not saying that is or is it true just saying I got
out of self and questioned that and while I
hope that you get the same thrill enjoy and
see all of my good intentions and thinking
that I’m giving something pleasurable that
you can go back and hold and reflect on I
realize that I could be aggravating you and I
would rather no hey I don’t like long letters
like this instead of just pretending because if
it’s loved and appreciated and I know this
I’m gonna keep doing it and giving all of my
attention and connection through that and if
it’s not that’s OK to but I’d rather not waste
my time and energy giving some thing that
ultimately is a chore frustrating on the other
end if that makes sense anyway I’m not
aonna sav todav’s been a bad dav because I
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just realize this is been the greatest day I
just didn’t see it that way until just now. I
love you baby and I know that you read this
and if I’m able to add anything here I will but
if you don’t hear from me I hope that you
find that peace and excitement that awoken
and me realizing how many calls we wasted
and yes I’d love to hear from you and your
voice and I know that I will know but I’ve also
been able to and blessed because I have
regularly hell just about daily so the
conversations sometimes just become
project and frustrations on your end and a
few times drove us more distant because we
communicated at all. I realize that I’ve taken
for granted and forgotten so many important
things and I see that for both of us that call
had become a routine thing expected and
not fully appreciated and absorbed by either
side. Rarely have our chats been about
exploring each other and in fact I can recall
the one conversation that we did because it
meant a lot to me sitting there asking one
another questions and it seems silly but we
got to learn more about each other and it felt
like we were on a first date and I felt giggly
an important again and I also found myself
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looking torward to the next time we talked
I can remember anxiety seeing you cAlling
on other occasions when i knew it would be
negative or something I didn’t do right or
would feeling guilty for feeling broken
because I got hurt and was shut down
completely when I attempted to talk it
through and work on and grow together-I
had several calls I felt anxious answering,.
And then lately again I’ve been grateful and
happy to hear your voice and how open
minded and reflective you seem sometimes.
realizing you did read or hear me and you
not being aggravated or projecting that day
BLEW MY MIND,..
.. I was so speechless I
found that numbness that had started to
surface thru feeling unseen and feeling as if
you betraying and hurting me I was just
supposed to accept and be fine with and
trust that something that made zero sense
to me at all was different than all the other
times I called out and got attacked for it but
learned I was lied to each one- anyway not
the point, the point is despite all that internal
turmoil and not knowing who you were
questioning who you were and doubting
myself just in that response and realizing
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you read and retlected and absorbed my
feedback and agreed
– I was so shell
shocked not expecting that- but I
recognized hey, there is Wayne, that man I
fell in love with who was my work bestie and
became my rock. I saw you, and suddenly so
many good memories of that man I respect
and adore surfaced again,.
.. And I’m trying
so hard to grab at those memories and
pocket that one you just did that brought
that back for me,..
because I truly do want
to blindly trust and believe and know despite
every other time being wrong, that you mean
it. And these glimpses of the person I know
are what propel that love and stoke up the
fire in me, the hope again, and excitement
about our future….
I hear a little more than
just words and i feel excited and hopeful and
it’s great and I want it so bad but also there’s
fear knowing that one more lie is all it will
take to completely break me down- and you
literally have ALL OF ME, even still. A
guarded in distance but still committed loyal
loving giving honest real, etc etc. all of
everything I have always promised and
given the whole time…
You got it still.
And I wonder if it’s a gamble seeing how far
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you can go, and initially it bothered me bad,
but if you’ve noticed you’re the only person
who has mentioned it at all in a while (until
this moment)….
And I realized I am learning
so much through this.. about everything
from respect to trust to truth and
communication…. I realize I don’t care
anymore because ultimately im trusting in
and stepping back to see what really
matters and is relevant from your end, it’s no
longer about anything but hey is he gonna
be those things I have always given and
asked for that he promises (open honest
transparent loyal) and do what’s right and be
a real deal man demonstrating these
qualities locked up or not, morals are gonna
shine through if they matter most, or is it
gonna be justified again by whatever – I
realize I don’t care and it’s not about
jealousy anymore for me- I don’t care I
realize I’m gonna know the truth and either
it’ll give me what I’ve hoped for and wanted
this whole time and the man I think I know
you to be, or else it’s gonna show me your
consistency in lies and I’m gonna be okay.
If this is real and vou’re for real I’m so
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excited to have that I’ve always wanted that,
and I find those hopeful sparks again and
thought I’d lost em for sure.
And if it isn’t, I know that the truth always
surfaces, and I’ll continue to do right
regardless knowing that I trust in whatever
is in gods plan for my life.
Not reflecting badly I’m trying to tell you I’ve
had some mega life wakeups today
especially and remember my value, worth,
and what life is about and the bullshit I’ve
wasted energy on that is negative at all….. I
am today to a place of trust in the process
and journey- I have hope and faith in you as
far as your love for me and a dream of us and
your dreams being real, and I find
excitement through every glimpse I see of
someone I thought id lost or never known….
I am powerless and trust the process. I
understand you know me well enough to
know I’m gonna reach out and keep my word
even if it’s different then I thought,.
always have and always will find a way-
promises are everything you know this tho,
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So I’ll end with that,… I’m at peace and have
found the part of me I’ve consumed with
fear of hurt and failure and realize no matter
how anxious or upset I get about anything
from if you really mean what you say this
time to worrying about you being angry or
thinking XYZ if I couldn’t do or not do
whatever it may be in that moment, I am
finally realizing it doesn’t matter what you
think or how you react because that’s your
stuff. I am confident in knowing I’ve
demonstrated to you my commitment and
follow through and if you doubt or second
guess it by this point you deserve the
negative emotion and work ups you feel
because you know better and I’ve not ever
justified or aroused anything to make you
question or doubt or be angry or fearful of
anything and I realize that I’m confident in
knowing my love and that I’ve clearly shown
this consistently so either you know me and
understand I’m gonna follow thru always or
you never are gonna figure it out what’s in
the palm of your hand and if you do you’ll
grab hold with both hands and realize that’s
all you should worry about protecting with
all vou have, or else vou realize it bc it’s
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missing and you didn’t even know you’d lost
grip.
I love you so much and am beyond excited
about tomorrow my date with Kagan. I’m
more excited about getting to hear y’all
video chat, and am thrilled to journal now
about how much I’ve gained in a day that
seemed so detrimental and all bad-
I
remembered myself and am so grateful I
now see I was getting lost without realizing
I’d gotten off my own path but just
wondered why it was so full of brush and
difficult to see- I’d walked off and forgotten
what I know. I’m just so excited to be back
awake and remembering how important you
are and the moment, every moment I get.
And I’m gonna grow and learn and become
everything through this experience too, we
are growing and ultimately it will be revealed
and obvious because nothing can hold down
what’s real and authentic and what matters
most shows through action and words and
reflection, application, behaviors…
I’m EXCITED about life again Wayne. And
trust wholly in the process and what’s real I
know this is all an opportunity to grow in
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myselt and have taith that truly the good
always will come back no matter what-
So keep doing good no matter what
And always do the next right thing, always,
even when it’s the hard thing..
Life has consistently proven that it will work
itself out if we do this- and when we trust
and lean on God and do the next right thing
in ALL of our affairs with a pure heart,
there’s no doubt or fear that can surface for
long- Love always wins. Truth always
surfaces. And what’s real is felt and what
matters is shown effortlessly it’s
importance.
Baby life is good. Kagan is good. I am good.
Money is stupid and not gonna ruin my day
anymore. I’m gonna embrace the moment,
no matter what, and I am gonna live and be
true to myself and doing good no matter
what.
I love you so much. And not sorry for how
long this is today. It is worth it all to me and
I’m pumped about tomorrow now and
appreciating things I’ve taken for granted
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even in talking with you. I know you have
too. This is so enlightening. Also I see you
trust me and haven’t called because I told
you – and here’s the follow through as
always. Different than planned but even
better in the end for the reason it matters at
all- your daughter. God is good. Life is
beautiful. I am grateful no matter what, I
know I could not have what I do, even when I
feel it’s not much,.
Sunsets weren’t much either..
My grandmother couldn’t get another
chance to appreciate and see-
• you have
more than you realize and get an
opportunity, wake up and realize how lucky
you are to know and realize what matters
and find you and life again, you get to start
living- you can start now, right there in the
place you feel “stuck”
You are able to go where ever you choose
and be whoever you look for but you are
guiding the direction now baby, every
decision you’re making, every truth or lie,
every challenge faced to your morals that
you choose to pass or fail is guiding that
future you’re after… words are great and
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your talented in those, we know that, what
truth is there behind them and are you
worried or bothered by the ones that are
empty? If not you should be concerned
because you’re shaping what matters and
who you are becoming through every single
thing you say or do- the gift you were given
in someone sharing deeply about heritage
and meaning did you absorb and recognize
how amazing this opportunity was and how
lucky you are to be shown something so
special? Are your interactions genuine and
for right reasons or guided by manipulation
or greed? Are you justifying that already
with your surroundings and location? That
alone should show you whether you are
changing truly or going through the same
motions that you knew worked before and
only you will know the answers to these and
care or not enough to notice or change them
or continue on because your experience tells
you to. Your experience also led you back to
the same experience all in all. If you want to
change that person, prove it… Now is the
time and you’re gonna see who you really
want to be and what is it worth in effort?
Again, you and only you will ever know,…. is
the change you say you want happening in
your moment right now? Circumstances will
change, surroundings and people will
change,
• Are you gonna keep on
pretending and talking good shit to move
mountains with empty words and change
everyone’s life but your own? Or are you
gonna fucking move the damn mountain and
change the world already?
The simplest thought and commitment and
truth and the morally right man you want to
be, are you demonstrating that even when it
seems stupid or might not get you the easy
way – even if everything screams to go
against the right and good and it’s all tipping
away from your favor if you choose right,
That’s when you figure out that man and
what he really means and wants and is.
It’s not what he shows others it what they
believe because it’ll always surface in the
end somehow…
I can act all day long and get people to like or
dislike me and say I’m doing whatever all
day but at the end of the dav I’m with myself
and my connection with my higher power MJ
and with myself is the only thing that either
grows or suffers: this life is temporary-
moments are rare-
what’s important to you?
Who are you? What do you want and truly
mean? What do you need to let go of and
what do you need to strengthen?
Fucking prove it then. You’re the only one
who knows and you’re the one who gains or
suffers from it in the end.
I just love you so much and wanted to try
and inspire you as much as I got awoken
today myself.
Or annoy you maybe? Who knows. My
intentions were all wonderful though. Know
that much at least. You’re my world and I
love and believe in and trust you baby.
Will reach out if I find a way to connect and if
you don’t hear back you know you will
tomorrow and why. Call and leave me a
message in the morning just so l’Il know
you’re still there even if I can’t answer- that
wav I’m excited about the XXXXXX call and not
message in the morning just so I’ll know
you’re still there even if I can’t answer- that
way I’m excited about the XXXXX call and not
worried about you being there or her missing
it.
I love you baby. Sorry so long and so late I
hope I included everything so you’re not left
with questions or confused but I’m sure I got
it all out. Talk to you tomorrow I hope- but
regardless by the evening bc it’ll be XXXXXX
call I’m so EXCITED ABOUT ALL OF IT. It
worked out better than my plan even tho it’s
frustrating the bigger picture I see and
appreciate more than being upset at all
anymore. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful.
I Love you.
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Resa Land 