“But My Goodness, Are You Seeing This Sunset? Look Before You Miss It!” There’s Only One of Each! Different Masterpieces from Nature Always Different. Only One Opportunity to Experience Each Moment of Life Knowing Never Again Will it Exist as it Was Then, Ever. A Moment is a Gift Given Constant and Consistently for FREE. Existing Uniquely Always Present, and We Miss Moments When We Merely Exist Without Presence.

There’s Only One of Each! Different Masterpieces from Nature Always Different. Only One Opportunity to Experience Each Moment of Life Knowing Never Again Will it Exist as it Was Then, Ever. A Moment is a Gift Given Constant and Consistently for FREE. Existing Uniquely Always Present, and We Miss Moments When We Merely Exist Without Presence.

The typos and read is worth the inspirational find, for me it was at least, which is why I had to sprinkle some of that in the title and intro to hopefully get you curious;… for the jackpot you must journey and understand a little bit about the backstory, and the meaning behind the message will be a little more understood and profound i hope, versus blindly not just deciphering typos without a clue as to why the grammar is atrocious and words are obviously misused… Yes, and I’m an excellent writer and am very prideful in this skill so as much as it stresses me out thinking about how much it is TERRIBLE AND FILLED with all sorts of atrocious grammatical BOMBS DROPPED ALL OVER THIS POOR ENTRY.. I realized it was a part of the journey and recording of all of this and I think it makes me not some misread mask wearing magical wizard of words,


Differences and resistance push judgment and rebellion, a preconceived expectation by assumption alone based on first impression of whatever glimpse you happen to stumble upon,….

So many flaws and frustrations this writer is clearly uneducated and unprofessional, sloppy grammar and punctuation, no spellcheck, awful spacing and paragraphs, embarrassing to even be publicly presented, she must think that’s actually okay or good even. Bless it, this is atrocious, these ideas are more frustrating to me by the tone especially seeing how very different we are clearly just by style, and oh shit, this motherfucker minored in English and has a Master’s Degree in Counseling… MERGER of MINDS

Always know there is purpose behind how i write or record things down… I usually preface with either an apology and explain why, or I’ll just sit back and see who is paying attention to WHAT and WHY is this important to them? Perhaps I need to show them another direction and perspective too,…. You just never know. I’m transparent anyway, never plan my writing just let it flow out, and honestly I rarely reread or proof them, typically unless I’m using voice to text recording from the phone then my writing has no problems, I am not proper, but I can write and spell and by damned I’ll melt words together harmoniously blending them into the most satisfyingly divine temptation that leaves you filled, satiated, yet somehow still finding yourself wanting more.

I have been writing a lot recently, but realize not in the places I should be recording the profound deep realizations I find,.. instead I’ve been sending them handwritten to someone who is locked away in jail all while knowing any day he will be taken away to prison and unable to even carry with him any of that stuff,…. And the effort and energy and love is worth it and id not take it back, I only tonight wondered if they are even appreciated and anticipated with excitement or if they are something dreaded to read by length….

Alone,.. I never have asked, and that is selfish in itself of me to assume, but also a waste of my energy and time reflecting where I could record the thoughts forever and share them with more people and it can exist always, versus hours of writing and artwork I know is anyway now going to be trashed and unable to travel with him into the next chapter of this hard yet healing journey of growth and acceptance he is on now;  So I decided to take time to copy and paste the long message I sent tonight on the stupid City Tele Coin app that I despise so much….  I started to erase the copied irrelevant text like ‘Reply” at the bottom of each copied screenshot text, and realize no, aside from his name I want to leave it just as it is for my own memory as well as to make it seem as it was in the moments I am experiencing sending messages this way, paying for each one I send and trying to squeeze as much as I can into it knowing that I can write however much I want to with it still being fifty cents each time.  

I also want to keep every misspelled word and incorrect grammar because as I recorded these words I was driving home from work and using voice to text not minding the phone but speaking from the heart and allowing what was captured to exist as it was and that was just that… so however it[s written is how it is received on his end and the struggles to decipher he also is having now too…. I just need to keep it as close to the real thing as I can because it makes it that much more real for myself but also you the reader…. You may not know the story at all, but all I can say is that the last day I saw him as I left for work from home was the same day he was arrested, and if that wasn’t an adaptation in itself, we had just begun to truly mend the hurt his relapse and previous cheating had done to us,.;.. I was starting to see parts of the man I loved but had begun to wonder if he was ever real at all…  And upon a week or two of getting him back in my life and staying with me again, and finding hope, I watched him, despite being physically injured and struggling to do daily tasks from his hands going numb and legs giving out, suspected neck nerve issue that he continued to put off and neglect which is still causing him suffering… despite his hurt, he knew i was struggling and for the first time panicked not having ever had to wonder how i was goin to put gas into my vehicle to get to work until i got paid, overdraft, credit card maxed out, bills piling up, no food, and no way to get to work even…. knowing i commute an hour one way daily, and gas prices were skyrocketing;. He took my car, filled it with gas, and got me not much but enough and plenty at the same time, groceries so that i could eat something and have one less day to worry about what or how to get fuel or food…. it meant the world to me. The very next day he even told me he was going back to his mother’s he knew i was keeping two extra dogs for 9 days just to earn some cash to survive- i was beyond overwhelmed… and he wasn’t wrong, i was definitely ready to take away another distraction and concern about not just my way of survival and eating and going anywhere, but an extra persona nd two extra dogs i just couldnt handle it all at once, and he saw that and left that Monday morning. Seeing hope and admiration in a man I about had given up on I discovered later that evening I lost him again to fate doing what it does best- and ultimately i lose him due to his neglect and lies and avoidance due to fear of consequence for not correcting sooner his mess-up ultimately finally caught him, on accident mind you, a complete mistake entirely on the officers behalf for why he was pulled over, and license was run and the rest was history….I wont pretend and tell you I didn’t get a good chuckle not only at the situation and destiny just fucking appearing BAM out of nowhere on ACCIDENT and a mistake on a cop’s behalf from misreading a tag thinking it expired, BUT WAS WRONG, so being pulled over for absolutely nothing is how he got ultimately arrested and facing what he needed. I laughed a lot and even moreso laughed on the phone to him in the midst of it. Earlier throughout the year the numerous lies, relapse, stealing, cheating, paranoia, verbal abuse, and manic and depressive episodes were a lot…. and in the end I did what is right and stayed true to my word and said i knew it would ultimately end up in the universe’s grasp and karma would take into her hands the chaotic mixture of it all. Man the whole situation is very funny to me, and come on you did it to yourself, I can’t tell you how many times consistently I sat motivating and encouraging the right actions and trying to push him but ultimately knew i can’t take the steps for someone else. And every fucking thing I pushed and encouraged and recommended, well by damned it it doesn’t matter and mean something now. LOL Out of a year of travel and crooked behavior and all the things in all of the places everywhere,…. the one time nothing was going on at all and it’s an accidental “my bad bruh’ cop mistake, which, I’ve never personally experienced in my entire 36 years of life, but also understand law enforcement are human too, and i have good friends in the police force met across my life in different decades a few really good dudes still active policemen scattered across the country, I partied with one in college- he pranked me once about gave me a heart attack- so again, I understand humans make mistakes because i am one and had a close friend as a cop who joked constantly… but his job he was usually on point… in fact, hes a detective now days…;married, kid, upgraded in his career. Proud of him. It’s very expected and probably more common that i know but im just saying I personally havent ever been ‘accidentally’ pulled over,…. ever. Hahaha i still get tickled thinking about the irony of this all.

He and I both know it was a God-moment having done for him what he couldn[t do for himself and the ultimate beginning to being able to live the rest of his life finally….

And I supported and connected with him in this, and committed to him as he shared he couldn’t have the betrayal again. And we grew closer still..;

Only for God yet again to step in and have a RANDOM never in my life would I believe it had it not happened to me moment occur…

A prisoner who Id gladly helped out by contacting his only family his grandmother, regarding a wallet she hadn’t received that was floating lost in the USPS – I was happy to check in and relay messages it was beneficial for me and I expressed my gratitude and positive experience in speaking with the sweet woman each time, even though the news stayed the same- no wallet received, I don’t have a pen to take your number, call back tomorrow dear.  And I did, and learned he’d shipped out so my purpose had been fulfilled regardless of not having the hoped for answer each time.

I started getting calls from another jail and of course had no money on the account and didn[t answer. Not once but twice I had random numbers texting me on his behalf letting me know to answer and that it was “Jason”. I was confused and responded to both strangers to please tell him I have no money to answer the call and let him know his grandmother last we spoke still had not received his wallet. These calls persistently continued….. every single day, at least 5 times each day…. Ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore….. I’d send the last stranger’s number who text me a follow-up asking if he said why he’s calling and if they’d relayed my message?  Finally I wondered if I was tryin to get swindled and I shut off a little bit, but then the stranger told me to answer that there was 10 bucks on his account he added and to answer.

I did.

And with no other intention or purpose with nothing to gain but rather money he didn’t have he was losing on a call to a girl he didn’t even know…. But he let me know what I wrote and said about he and his grandmother was the nicest thing he’d ever seen, and he knew my heart was genuine and pure and so God told him he had to do the right thing  and tell me the truth, no matter what I decided to do with it….

And truth he did tell…

I felt like a broken fool discovering I was being seen by all these prisoners as a clueless girl and pawn in a game played by the man I was giving another chance to and sticking beside while he’s GOING TO PRISON,…. And initially a fire lit inside of me that I blocked the number and deleted the app for 2 days and of course I got curious by Sunday evening…. And a sincere sounding apologetic message owning everything and sharing an understanding for my ignoring him… Please answer. One more chance….

I decided to respond the following day.  It began very rocky and I saw nothing but old behaviors and bullshit again. Somehow it got flipped into me being so smart to be so stupid to listen to a convict I didn’t know….. and I had already questioned this myself, but finally I went to the source and reached out to the ex-girlfriend to finally take off any blinders I was willingly wearing.

That’s how the truth surfaced truly.  And that’s the two days I had no intention of ever speaking to him again.

The apology seemed like empty words when we chatted and I knew his being stuck and having no control and fear of losing me or whatever the million things erupting in his life all at once, I understood (damn me for being a fucking empath and therapist too at that lol)

So I decided to see if words are just empty or if anything would change….

Anger, resentment, jealousy initially fired up every block inside of me and I had attitude and hurt and so much to say but was paying literally for negative hurtful conversations only to run out f minutes and repeat the misery.

He told me to trust him now if I ever was going to do so, and not bring it back up and in again and I didn’t…. Despite him doing so twice himself, I did more than just that,…. I stopped caring entirely of the outcome, just embraced and was ready to discover something wonderful through the promises being real, or I was going to recognize the continued patterns and empty words….   Recently our chats have been good and he seems receptive and reflective and “awake” again./

I’ve been able to call him out on his self pity and negative attitude and how selfish he is not appreciating and pushing away everyone who really cares and blaming them somehow.  I laid into him and pretty much gave some feedback expecting him to challenge and erupt in anger…

He surprised me with not only acceptance, but agreed, and reflected on it showing me he had actually read and was applying some things.

So the in betweens are irrelevant other than knowing I’d said I’d spend time with his youngest,… I’ve tried to mark her name out of these messages with XXXXX …. Our last fight came right before my message I just told you about where I lay into him and called out his selfish baby pitiful negative ass who was ultimately gonna be alone and deserved everything negative he felt…. His last attack came from assumption with only his side of looking into it, rather than trusting me, asking, and accepting that I always follow through. His words cut me deep that day insinuating I didn’t care about his kids and he called someone to make the drive to check in instead. That day I broke in a way I needed to, and I haven[t quite found need, desire, or seek the energy or effort to fix it back again…. Not yet at least, if at all…. 

It was a push that detached me in a way that I knew one more lie would shatter all future ability to trust or want this at all anymore, and that any positive change in time could still heal it….  the exact place I needed to be in…. I let loose, and shockingly it was heard and seen and owned.  Our chats have been pretty good since then….

I let him know this morning if I didn’t answer his call its because I have just enough to let he and his daughter video chat and id ignore anything else until that happened first. If I found funds to add great but otherwise that’s not most important.  He had called once right before I sent the 50 cent message out, and I didn’t get another attempt, which shows me he listened and respected me and what I said.  I knew I had 50 cents maybe but no more and was so scared all day long that he’d send a message and ruin my ability to update him…. Again, he surprised me.  Not a word or try on his part… which means either he listened and believes and respects me and wants that call too, or else he doesn’t give a fuck and has created his own delusional scenario in his mind… regardless I did what I do and made sure to reply as I promised I would reach out- he expected a video call but curveballs changed plans yet I knew I had to reach out and update him.  There’s a backstory best I can give for the last month or more up until today….

The true inspiration and A-HA moments fall below in the message sent…. I never intended to write a prologue to this but rather just copy paste, then I realized nobody would understnad much of anything without minimal effort in some backstory. LOL. Please read further, if you get beyond the messed up misheard words from voice to text and can manage to wade on through the numerous typos and weird spacing and appreciate it all as authentic and raw as it was sent out, and as frustrating to write (and read on his end– on a kiosk, mind you,… with no chair on a concrete floor)…. Guarantee you’ll find something in the message you can use to not regret reading this after all. 🙂 Ha!!


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

It’s long deal with it worth it and all I can

send with no reply so that video chat will

happen. I know it sucks but it’s worth the

while and I can’t talk to you unless I find a

loophole in the meantime this is it so be

happy! More is better when you don’t have

anything at all I think. Maybe it’s just me?

I haven’t forgotten you baby I promise I’m

just been that busy. I’ve gotten myself into a

bit of a pickle moving some money around-

so my bank is for bills and grocery, have

cash for my Kagan date, and put what i have

to be able to put on telecoin or canteen on

venmo. Smart thinking right? I thought so.

Until I realized Fuck my life man I didn’t put

damn gas in there – no big deal- it’s getting

better but I don’t have it exactly right yet..

So the thing that is a little bit frustrating is

that apparently when you put money on

Venmo it takes a few days to process and

actually show up or be accessible. That’s

fine cool, except for the fact that I’ve got

$6.00 exactly after this sends

I reached out to your mom following up

today and I guess she got busy so I told her

Keenan has the chnire and that 


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/2021 7:29:06 PM

XXXXX has the choice and that I can also a

do tomorrow instead of today and I was told

that tomorrow will be better and that Kagan

is outside playing right now so I’m really

excited to hear that she’s out side playing

and having a good time but also is gonna be

excited I hope to find out she gets a Resa

and XXXXX movie to look forward to for

tomorrow. A back to back good night-

Initially I panicked because I remember I

have a six dollars which is exactly what it is

to video chat if I’m remembering correctly

and now it’s pushed off till tomorrow and I

haven’t been able to talk to you all day and

know last you knew it’s still on tonight- Then

I got worried that you would send a message

and I won’t be able to respond but I literally

just left work and just followed up with your

mom and it all kind of fell into place working

out for the best for XXXXXXX which is what it’s

all about anyway. It’s a rather than get upset

or stress about figuring out a way to add

anything I decided I will work on that as soon

as I get to the house and I’m actually very

happy to hear that she’s outside playing in

the back of my mind know that she’ll come

in and hear about the movie tomorrow and it


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

gives her something exciting to look forward

to tonight and tomorrow and then tomorrow

after the movie I’ll have a last surprise dad

video chat. Just thinking about all of that

brought a peace and comfort and

excitement that outweighed any stress or

negative in this moment. That’s the bigger

picture regardless if I can put money on

there tonight or not it’s already all right. He

and I could sit here and exhaust myself

stressing over miss calculating and moving

the money I thought I had but I actually don’t

have all of that bc I forgot gas is a huge part

of my “bills” and yeah, I’m human,

– [] The differences one month ago I would

carry this stress and trying to figure it all out

past one day into the next day but I promise

I’ve been working on myself and every area

and I mean that and I realize that even that

sucks but I know your heart and overall me

sharing the bigger picture and benefit is

Kagan ending up with this falling exactly as

it was meant to to give her two good nights

and a whole day of something to be excited

about. Ya know? And I might figure out a way

tr not monou tn talk taninht I hnna en hint I’ll


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

about. Ya know? And I might figure out a way

to get money to talk tonight I hope so but I’ll

survive if I have to wait because that video

call is very important and it’s gonna happen.

That’s the priority baby if you get another

message from me it means I was able to

figure out how to put a few extra dollars on

here and if you don’t just know that I will be

writing you a letter or so really I’m still

talking to you you just won’t know until a

couple days. It’s actually very sweet the

more I think about it. I think it’s really

romantic to think about how back in the day

snail mail was all you had and so that

anticipation and excitement waiting and it

building made receiving the letter and

writing back that much more incredible. I

feel like the more advanced technology

becomes and the more connected we are

through technology has contributed to us

being more disconnected than ever before

nobody really realizes it. It’s sad. Kids today

won’t ever know that feeling of anticipation

that we used to have before cell phones or

Internet excited to answer the phone not

knowing who it’s going to be, you know?

Even we have forgotten how important that


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

is and people lose touch with that and take

the little things for granted that are actually

the most important things in life. And our

grandparents generation and the strength of

their love and connections as compared our

generation is evidence in itself of my theory.

If they were away from one another they did

have to take the time to write my hand and

mail off any communication. It’s mind

blowing. Everyone depended on everybody

else I needed one another and appreciated

and respected everybody differently. If my

grandmother’s friend Hershey took time to

call her I can still hear her sweet voice and

excitement grateful that her friend was

thinking about her and took the time to

reach out. You know what I mean? Actually I

know that you know what I mean because

Innoway you’re experiencing that where you

are and realizing what’s important, what you

took for granted, and how stupid bullshit

trivial stuff that seemed important really

doesn’t matter at all. I’m actually really

excited for you and Waters transforming in

you through all of this discomfort and

frustration. I’m sitting here using voice to

text to write this and looking up at the


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

text to write this and looking up at the

clouds Bruh I’m thinking about all of those

days are over a year that I would take time to

be sure to tell you to look up at the sky-


wow are you looking at the sunset? Holy cow

the clouds are so beautiful. A photograph

couldn’t capture how amazing twilight is

even if I tried to are you outside seeing this?

Hey make sure that you use your

photography skills to capture that sunset

right about now…” You get the jest these are

all things that I’ve said and I’m sure you can

hear my voice picturing some of these times

in your mind right now. You know takes

moments like you’re in right now to realize

really you’re not doing time but rather you’re

getting your time back again Wayne. Do you

know my phone number by heart, you’re

interacting with others because you have no

choice there’s no distraction 6 inches away

from your face and you’re coming back to

life again. And maybe this is opening your

eyes a little bit to understanding me better

than before I remember distinctly you

jokingly but also in a frustrated way making

fun of how often as say how beautiful some

thing was, or how annoying it may have been


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

the number of times you’ve heard sunset,

twilight, and clouds come out of my


.. I have no doubt in my mind that

you wouldn’t be soaking it all in right now if

you could because even if I handed you your

phone and put you in the car with me looking

at the sunset I know which one is more

important and I think your heart is waking up

to remember what life’s all about and see

that I may seem like I’m distracted and in La

La Land I get the word childlike to describe

how I am by a lot of people but I’m pretty

sure your understanding why I do what I do

and why I am the way I am, and hopefully

you realize all of those times I just wanted

you to see and feel how beautiful the

moment was and realize there will never be

that moment existing ever again for as long

as you live. We only get one of each so no

matter how bad it may seem and what’s

going on in that moment I try to think if this

was the last one I ever have the chance to

have more is really important and what am I

wasting my negative energy and time

focusing on that is causing me to miss the

moment. I’ve missed too many moments and

I trv reallv hard to find an ooportunitv and


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

each one I get. I find gratitude in the things

that seem so little or simple to most people

but I watch my grandmother go completely

blind and knew her heart as a poet and artist

because it’s what connected us closely and I

realize I take my site for granite too, and one

day there will be a time I don’t know when if

I’m lucky a long ways from now call Ma but a

Tamil comb that that sunset will be my last

opportunity to ever see one again, that

person and conversation was the last time I

got to talk to and the last words that I spoke

to whoever, if this was my last opportunity to

live and experience living I’ve got to realize

that I can waste my time looking to the

future and what’s next and thinking that I

can’t be happy or grateful or anything until I

get to that next thing and I understand that

hell yeah everybody is looking to get out of

prison but who is counting days and waking

up miserable waiting for that next thing

versus who is looking forward with no

expectation but seeing that goal and taking

it vantage of every opportunity and moment

in the meantime to truly makes experience

worthwhile and life-changing? Pretty soon

as alwavs vou lookina forward to the next


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

thing and people lose themselves and the

moments because they’re so wrapped up

and thinking that next thing is what will

make them happy or bring them joy and it

may but they’ve missed out on all those

moments in between that could’ve also

consisted of the best things. And I realized

and remembered a whole lot about who I am

and what super important and what isn’t. It

took my plans getting a curveball thrown

and then being unable to communicate and

unsure of how or what or when I will get to

add money to talk

It took all of that and all of today stress to

bring me back to this one moment or piece

just washed over me and I realized I’ve also

started to forget and get distracted by

things that yes are important but work there

I was doing exactly what I know not to do.

I’ve been missing out on my moments

distracted and stressed out about a fear or

worry that a person who loves me and says

they do being upset with me for something

beyond my control I started to laugh at

myself because I’m a fucking idiot. I hate

that I don’t have a solution right now and I

can’t tell vou when or how I’ll fix this

8:29 1

< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

problem and get more money on here but I

can send this message I’m sure that it

doesn’t really matter because tomorrow

either way and I know for a fact that out of

the hundreds of dollars that have been spent

on calls alone, that six dollars is it gonna be

the most valuable and important bit that I’ve

spent yet.

– [] I am grateful this happened today. I

woke up again. I’m an idiot and have

forgotten my whole purpose and fire within

me, distracted by bullshit and allowing fear

of disappointment to dictate my life and

control my emotion. Fucking stupid ass

Resa, man I know me better than that I am

human I get lost too in the buzzing and

distraction… and then in the moments that a

subway from that and dive into riding or

being outside or whatever it is recently

especially I felt super guilty after and that’s

stupid. You’re my baby and an after year

well over a year now actually I’ve

consistently shown and follow through and

mint what I say and if you know me you have

no doubt that I’ve ever done or will ever do

anvthina to intentionallv hurt vou and that


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

there’s always a reason and I fucking stress

myself worrying about what you think and I

just realized that’s not my problem that’s

your problem because the thing you should

know is that I’ve never broken a promise or

not follow through and if for whatever

reason I could not and made sure my first

priority was to communicate that because

again I will never hurt you intentionally and I

mean that from the extreme of cheating to

the simplest thing like making sure I follow

thru and reach out. And here I am later than I

wanted but the soonest I could reaching out

and making sure you know That I’m thinking

about you and love you so much and making

sure I show you and give you positivity in

case I don’t find a way to get my instant

gratification of talking to you when I want, I

gotta be patient and I know that 6.00 is the

most valuable of all of it combined, so yay if I

find a way and no sweat if not, it’s already

alright and I will get to I know it, it’s just God

slowing me down and reminding me to not

take for granted anything- and here I am,

appreciating this moment and having a

profound wake up in my spirit again because

of a moment I could’ve made chaos and


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/2021 7:29:06 PM

stayed stuck on and angry about but it

wouldn’t change it lollll I just miss every

moment in between bc I’m not accepting

what is and appreciating what I’ve got when

I have it.

Im so glad today sucked so bad and how

stressed I was and that I can’t reach out

because I have remembered who I am and

see how I’ve let stupid shit influence my

moments. I know better.

I know that you don’t like long messages and

I’m sorry I had a lot to say and I was using

voice to text and haven’t proofread any of

this so know that in the back of your mind a

piece together whatever it doesn’t make

sense if I got the words wrong. I got in my

head after hearing you tell me reading puts

you to sleep and you’re not good at it and it

frustrates you when there’s a lot to read and

your books are on this kiosk and I got to

thinking not everybody enjoys the art of

riding in the beauty and handwritten letters

and while I am appreciating and on cloud

nine over here every time I open the mailbox

and see your name it’s pretty selfish of me

to assume that you enjoy or even interested


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

in what I see as me pouring out and

dedicating loads of time to give to you in a

one of a kind deep personal intimate

handwritten way but fuck who’s to say my

efforts and intention of romance and proving

my love as boundless through all this writing

that I love to do and love to give but I never

once thought oh shit what is he fucking

hates them and isn’t excited at all but sees it

as more of a task and frustration? And I’m

not saying that is or is it true just saying I got

out of self and questioned that and while I

hope that you get the same thrill enjoy and

see all of my good intentions and thinking

that I’m giving something pleasurable that

you can go back and hold and reflect on I

realize that I could be aggravating you and I

would rather no hey I don’t like long letters

like this instead of just pretending because if

it’s loved and appreciated and I know this

I’m gonna keep doing it and giving all of my

attention and connection through that and if

it’s not that’s OK to but I’d rather not waste

my time and energy giving some thing that

ultimately is a chore frustrating on the other

end if that makes sense anyway I’m not

aonna sav todav’s been a bad dav because I


< Messages



Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

just realize this is been the greatest day I

just didn’t see it that way until just now. I

love you baby and I know that you read this

and if I’m able to add anything here I will but

if you don’t hear from me I hope that you

find that peace and excitement that awoken

and me realizing how many calls we wasted

and yes I’d love to hear from you and your

voice and I know that I will know but I’ve also

been able to and blessed because I have

regularly hell just about daily so the

conversations sometimes just become

project and frustrations on your end and a

few times drove us more distant because we

communicated at all. I realize that I’ve taken

for granted and forgotten so many important

things and I see that for both of us that call

had become a routine thing expected and

not fully appreciated and absorbed by either

side. Rarely have our chats been about

exploring each other and in fact I can recall

the one conversation that we did because it

meant a lot to me sitting there asking one

another questions and it seems silly but we

got to learn more about each other and it felt

like we were on a first date and I felt giggly

an important again and I also found myself


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

looking torward to the next time we talked

I can remember anxiety seeing you cAlling

on other occasions when i knew it would be

negative or something I didn’t do right or

would feeling guilty for feeling broken

because I got hurt and was shut down

completely when I attempted to talk it

through and work on and grow together-I

had several calls I felt anxious answering,.

And then lately again I’ve been grateful and

happy to hear your voice and how open

minded and reflective you seem sometimes.

realizing you did read or hear me and you

not being aggravated or projecting that day


.. I was so speechless I

found that numbness that had started to

surface thru feeling unseen and feeling as if

you betraying and hurting me I was just

supposed to accept and be fine with and

trust that something that made zero sense

to me at all was different than all the other

times I called out and got attacked for it but

learned I was lied to each one- anyway not

the point, the point is despite all that internal

turmoil and not knowing who you were

questioning who you were and doubting

myself just in that response and realizing


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/2021 7:29:06 PM

you read and retlected and absorbed my

feedback and agreed

– I was so shell

shocked not expecting that- but I

recognized hey, there is Wayne, that man I

fell in love with who was my work bestie and

became my rock. I saw you, and suddenly so

many good memories of that man I respect

and adore surfaced again,.

.. And I’m trying

so hard to grab at those memories and

pocket that one you just did that brought

that back for me,..

because I truly do want

to blindly trust and believe and know despite

every other time being wrong, that you mean

it. And these glimpses of the person I know

are what propel that love and stoke up the

fire in me, the hope again, and excitement

about our future….

I hear a little more than

just words and i feel excited and hopeful and

it’s great and I want it so bad but also there’s

fear knowing that one more lie is all it will

take to completely break me down- and you

literally have ALL OF ME, even still. A

guarded in distance but still committed loyal

loving giving honest real, etc etc. all of

everything I have always promised and

given the whole time…

You got it still.

And I wonder if it’s a gamble seeing how far


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/2021 7:29:06 PM

you can go, and initially it bothered me bad,

but if you’ve noticed you’re the only person

who has mentioned it at all in a while (until

this moment)….

And I realized I am learning

so much through this.. about everything

from respect to trust to truth and

communication…. I realize I don’t care

anymore because ultimately im trusting in

and stepping back to see what really

matters and is relevant from your end, it’s no

longer about anything but hey is he gonna

be those things I have always given and

asked for that he promises (open honest

transparent loyal) and do what’s right and be

a real deal man demonstrating these

qualities locked up or not, morals are gonna

shine through if they matter most, or is it

gonna be justified again by whatever – I

realize I don’t care and it’s not about

jealousy anymore for me- I don’t care I

realize I’m gonna know the truth and either

it’ll give me what I’ve hoped for and wanted

this whole time and the man I think I know

you to be, or else it’s gonna show me your

consistency in lies and I’m gonna be okay.

If this is real and vou’re for real I’m so


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

excited to have that I’ve always wanted that,

and I find those hopeful sparks again and

thought I’d lost em for sure.

And if it isn’t, I know that the truth always

surfaces, and I’ll continue to do right

regardless knowing that I trust in whatever

is in gods plan for my life.

Not reflecting badly I’m trying to tell you I’ve

had some mega life wakeups today

especially and remember my value, worth,

and what life is about and the bullshit I’ve

wasted energy on that is negative at all….. I

am today to a place of trust in the process

and journey- I have hope and faith in you as

far as your love for me and a dream of us and

your dreams being real, and I find

excitement through every glimpse I see of

someone I thought id lost or never known….

I am powerless and trust the process. I

understand you know me well enough to

know I’m gonna reach out and keep my word

even if it’s different then I thought,.

always have and always will find a way-

promises are everything you know this tho,


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

So I’ll end with that,… I’m at peace and have

found the part of me I’ve consumed with

fear of hurt and failure and realize no matter

how anxious or upset I get about anything

from if you really mean what you say this

time to worrying about you being angry or

thinking XYZ if I couldn’t do or not do

whatever it may be in that moment, I am

finally realizing it doesn’t matter what you

think or how you react because that’s your

stuff. I am confident in knowing I’ve

demonstrated to you my commitment and

follow through and if you doubt or second

guess it by this point you deserve the

negative emotion and work ups you feel

because you know better and I’ve not ever

justified or aroused anything to make you

question or doubt or be angry or fearful of

anything and I realize that I’m confident in

knowing my love and that I’ve clearly shown

this consistently so either you know me and

understand I’m gonna follow thru always or

you never are gonna figure it out what’s in

the palm of your hand and if you do you’ll

grab hold with both hands and realize that’s

all you should worry about protecting with

all vou have, or else vou realize it bc it’s


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

missing and you didn’t even know you’d lost


I love you so much and am beyond excited

about tomorrow my date with Kagan. I’m

more excited about getting to hear y’all

video chat, and am thrilled to journal now

about how much I’ve gained in a day that

seemed so detrimental and all bad-


remembered myself and am so grateful I

now see I was getting lost without realizing

I’d gotten off my own path but just

wondered why it was so full of brush and

difficult to see- I’d walked off and forgotten

what I know. I’m just so excited to be back

awake and remembering how important you

are and the moment, every moment I get.

And I’m gonna grow and learn and become

everything through this experience too, we

are growing and ultimately it will be revealed

and obvious because nothing can hold down

what’s real and authentic and what matters

most shows through action and words and

reflection, application, behaviors…

I’m EXCITED about life again Wayne. And

trust wholly in the process and what’s real I

know this is all an opportunity to grow in


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/2021 7:29:06 PM

myselt and have taith that truly the good

always will come back no matter what-

So keep doing good no matter what

And always do the next right thing, always,

even when it’s the hard thing..

Life has consistently proven that it will work

itself out if we do this- and when we trust

and lean on God and do the next right thing

in ALL of our affairs with a pure heart,

there’s no doubt or fear that can surface for

long- Love always wins. Truth always

surfaces. And what’s real is felt and what

matters is shown effortlessly it’s


Baby life is good. Kagan is good. I am good.

Money is stupid and not gonna ruin my day

anymore. I’m gonna embrace the moment,

no matter what, and I am gonna live and be

true to myself and doing good no matter


I love you so much. And not sorry for how

long this is today. It is worth it all to me and

I’m pumped about tomorrow now and

appreciating things I’ve taken for granted


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

even in talking with you. I know you have

too. This is so enlightening. Also I see you

trust me and haven’t called because I told

you – and here’s the follow through as

always. Different than planned but even

better in the end for the reason it matters at

all- your daughter. God is good. Life is

beautiful. I am grateful no matter what, I

know I could not have what I do, even when I

feel it’s not much,.

Sunsets weren’t much either..

My grandmother couldn’t get another

chance to appreciate and see-

• you have

more than you realize and get an

opportunity, wake up and realize how lucky

you are to know and realize what matters

and find you and life again, you get to start

living- you can start now, right there in the

place you feel “stuck”

You are able to go where ever you choose

and be whoever you look for but you are

guiding the direction now baby, every

decision you’re making, every truth or lie,

every challenge faced to your morals that

you choose to pass or fail is guiding that

future you’re after… words are great and


< Messages


Message Details


12/14/20217:29:06 PM

your talented in those, we know that, what

truth is there behind them and are you

worried or bothered by the ones that are

empty? If not you should be concerned

because you’re shaping what matters and

who you are becoming through every single

thing you say or do- the gift you were given

in someone sharing deeply about heritage

and meaning did you absorb and recognize

how amazing this opportunity was and how

lucky you are to be shown something so

special? Are your interactions genuine and

for right reasons or guided by manipulation

or greed? Are you justifying that already

with your surroundings and location? That

alone should show you whether you are

changing truly or going through the same

motions that you knew worked before and

only you will know the answers to these and

care or not enough to notice or change them

or continue on because your experience tells

you to. Your experience also led you back to

the same experience all in all. If you want to

change that person, prove it… Now is the

time and you’re gonna see who you really

want to be and what is it worth in effort?

Again, you and only you will ever know,…. is

the change you say you want happening in

your moment right now? Circumstances will

change, surroundings and people will


• Are you gonna keep on

pretending and talking good shit to move

mountains with empty words and change

everyone’s life but your own? Or are you

gonna fucking move the damn mountain and

change the world already?

The simplest thought and commitment and

truth and the morally right man you want to

be, are you demonstrating that even when it

seems stupid or might not get you the easy

way – even if everything screams to go

against the right and good and it’s all tipping

away from your favor if you choose right,

That’s when you figure out that man and

what he really means and wants and is.

It’s not what he shows others it what they

believe because it’ll always surface in the

end somehow…

I can act all day long and get people to like or

dislike me and say I’m doing whatever all

day but at the end of the dav I’m with myself

and my connection with my higher power MJ

and with myself is the only thing that either

grows or suffers: this life is temporary-

moments are rare-

what’s important to you?

Who are you? What do you want and truly

mean? What do you need to let go of and

what do you need to strengthen?

Fucking prove it then. You’re the only one

who knows and you’re the one who gains or

suffers from it in the end.

I just love you so much and wanted to try

and inspire you as much as I got awoken

today myself.

Or annoy you maybe? Who knows. My

intentions were all wonderful though. Know

that much at least. You’re my world and I

love and believe in and trust you baby.

Will reach out if I find a way to connect and if

you don’t hear back you know you will

tomorrow and why. Call and leave me a

message in the morning just so l’Il know

you’re still there even if I can’t answer- that

wav I’m excited about the XXXXXX call and not

message in the morning just so I’ll know

you’re still there even if I can’t answer- that

way I’m excited about the XXXXX call and not

worried about you being there or her missing


I love you baby. Sorry so long and so late I

hope I included everything so you’re not left

with questions or confused but I’m sure I got

it all out. Talk to you tomorrow I hope- but

regardless by the evening bc it’ll be XXXXXX


worked out better than my plan even tho it’s

frustrating the bigger picture I see and

appreciate more than being upset at all

anymore. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful.

I Love you.