Had an amazing experience last night in the simplest of things, and it ended up surprising me at how something that seemed like a completely normal “Resa thing” to do (it is, routine and a piece of me),… I am not sure what was the driving force, whether it be a reminder of how important this once was for me and how I’d forgotten about the capture I am able to achieve in recording voice memos– it’s a different type of recall. I can reread writing and probably recall the emotion felt, and the story shared, but I can’t always recall where I sat as I wrote it, or when I started/finished,… no details, which, for me aren’t relevant for my writings. That isn’t my purpose in composing through words, I do it because it offers me an outlet and a way to express and release everything I’ve got going on inside of me, and I know that a large portion of the time I don’t even realize everything that I thought I knew going into writing whatever it is in the first place. I learn so much and find the solutions throughout my impulsive, raw, unfiltered, and unplanned in-the-moment compositions, and it’s one of my most favorite things about myself…
I know I’m a great writer, and I’m even more excited that I can not only create something that is aesthetically pleasing for an audience to pick apart and take what they need to in order to help them with whatever they have going on, whatever they are, different, same, similar, not at all,… it doesn’t matter, I’m grateful to be able to have an outlet that I feel isn’t a waste of time (I know I know that sounded wrong, I promise I don’t see me as a waste of time, trust me, I’m a therapist, I know the answers and call myself out before I even have the chance for someone to misread or think I’m clueless and unaware of my justifications and projections and all of the shit I’m very fortunate to have understanding of, and practice regularly with myself to see and know routinely)…
I mean that I’m grateful that I know myself well enough to realize that, I’ll use my current experience as an example actually,… I’ve worked 8 hours overtime this week, going on a maximum of 3 hours of sleep per night each night this week, three being over exaggerated only to make myself feel better and a little more sane… I knew this week would be rough with my fellow counselor on vacation, but I had no idea I’d end up with the number of individuals I was expected to see in this week, coupled with group each day, and ample biopsychs (new admits galore this week!)…. I have worked overtime at work, worked when I got off work (unlogged hours but I won’t even let myself think about how much time I’ve truly put in because I’ll get angry with myself)… and none of this is anyone’s fault. My colleague deserves a vacation and this isn’t the first one he’s taken, I’m okay with playing for the team… I understand that I happened to work Saturday and even though I wasn’t on campus Monday (took the hours I worked for the weekend and worked from home- so screwed myself really, but needed to save gas money if I’m being 100).. I know that my work bestie was wearing thin and could clearly understand I wasn’t alone in my overwhelmed feeling, it just seemed like no matter how hard I was trying, scheduling back to back sessions, skipping lunch to hope to leave on time that day, whatever it was, I could not for the life of me catch a break..
Today I said outlaid that I refused to set expectations for hoping to get off Friday early, despite my efforts, because realistically it’s just coincidence and luck of the draw that the one week my fellow counselor is off, we also have a flood of new admissions, which is GREAT, but it’s poor timing. Add in no sleep, and BAM, everything is SHIT AND I HATE MY LIFE,… which again, I know isn’t really real. It’s exaggerated and awful to feel.
Being self-aware really sucks sometimes, especially when you FEEL EVERYTHING TO THE EXTREME regardless of what you know and understand… it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like, for example, today when I realized I was about to run out of gas I thought to myself for a brief moment,
“If I run out of gas before I get to the fueling station, I think I’d light a match, toss it in the gas tank, leave that last fuck that I didn’t have to give, and slowly walk away with no intention of looking back, and hitchhike my way to wherever the hell I ended up, and be completely content with it.”
It felt realer and I meant it to my core, but again, self-aware annoying me already sees this isn’t really real, it’s sleep-deprivation, being overworked, stress, and I don’t really mean that,… I FEEL IT AND KNOW I COULD DO IT,…. but I know it would be a different feeling after I rest. Sucks because I really really think I could’ve done it and felt nothing in the moment. Over something so petty, I know… but I literally have given all fucks away already and it’d be the last little tiny grain of sand that made the entire roof collapse in from a sandstorm.
The point is, I am grateful that this morning I was able to have a good genuine and happy laugh and felt happy, despite everything else going on. I started my commute out positive, uplifted, but work calling me before I even arrived on campus detoured and derailed every ounce of that good that I so desperately needed.
Now that I have a moment to actually sit and exist outside of completing tasks and worrying about everyone else (clients, groups, new admits, colleagues, etc) I realize I didn’t forget,… rather set it aside, and I’m glad, because it was so special to me and surprisingly GOOD, I’m lucky I was able to set it down and not carry it into my storm to potentially damage it.
It is still here.
I’m thinking maybe I might be connected to someone a lot deeper than I realized or intended for.
It scares the fuck out of me and seems unlike me and my natural guards, but also, I have zero fucks left to give, so I’m just gonna go with it being exactly what it is, as it is, in the moment, and I’ll find out the way I’m supposed to… genuinely, authentically, transparent, and without a wall.
Perhaps all of this is meant to be this way to show me the truth–
Good or bad, I’m ready.
That’s all I got.
Until next time. Much Love!