Man oh man, first of all I want to share about the strange humor I’m finding in what I decided to title this on impulse….
Isn’t it funny how humans (myself included) find themselves at some point or another trying to look at or find something– to be able to see something that is evidently already RIGHT THERE, always has been,…yet because it’s invisible, EVEN THOUGH deep down they already instinctively understand that this is so, somehow or another they are flabbergasted by the idea that they are unable to find this certain thing…
We are often so close to whatever that thing is, that, in this metaphor specifically we are friggin’ inhaling and existing in it,… yet somehow because we cannot see it, which is the way that we have made sense that it must be to exist, then ultimately that must mean we are (insert self-defeating negative self-talk here)…
Damnit man, how silly we are and self-absorbed to think that somehow the world is subject to change itself when we approach a situation… and then when/if we finally discover we had the very thing we thought we were searching for this whole entire time, well that’s not going to work either… Pride must beat down any possibility for self-acceptance of us admitting to having faults or mistakes/misunderstandings we have. No way, José! That fucking air is not the truth at all, see it’s (insert nonsensical noun of choice here)’s fault for (insert even more nonsensical fabricated ultimate bullshit justification here)…
Yep,…. so I chose this intro to reflect on the last moments of my day thus far today and to not only vent for my self-care and means of coping in ways I know best, but also to take ownership of my part in the nonsense which is only further justified by the fact that I am even needing to write about any of this at all– it’s so minuscule, and I definitely realize this in this moment, but feel as if I am missing out on an opportunity for growth, self-reflection, and a chance to willingly lay down my pride and ego to acknowledge that I am human and a dumb-ass sometimes too,… but today I am okay with not only admitting to my mistakes and taking ownership in seeing my part in situations because “if I’m not the problem, there is no solution,” and if I am incapable of acknowledging the truth in that simple yet profound TRUTH then it’s evident that I have not yet become open-minded to understanding and acknowledging that I can only control one thing, and that thing is myself… and every problem that exists for me is created and labeled to be “a problem” by only myself and myself alone. Often times these “problems” are understandably tension-filled and others acknowledge and further justify adding fuel to my self-created fire, and other times I am left feeling humiliation to some sense for exaggerating something that clearly others did not see as a big of a deal as I just made something to be, (usually for me through oversharing).
Regardless of what anyone else provides me as far as feelings that either justify or confront my “problem” the reality is that the label problem was slapped onto whatever this thing may be, and if I am willing to dig deep and truly reflect on this reality and take ownership for the fire I am now surrounded by,… despite the fact that maybe I didn’t start the blaze specifically, it was no one other than me who decided to lay my timber down in this space… so regardless of how inconvenient it may seem or how justified it might appear that I shouldn’t have to change what I am in control of because (insert absurd noun of choice here)’s (now insert justified resentful bullshit and blame here again).
So that’s like me seeing my neighbor has lit a giant bonfire that’s not so controlled as perhaps I think and say I would have done it,… and I already know I gathered and placed my timber in my own yard, so despite the rapidly approaching out of control blaze that I clearly could see approaching, it’s “not my fault” because this individual let his/her flame go beyond the boundary I have,… I clearly had my timber down in MY yard FIRST… and it doesn’t matter how hot or out of control their blaze is, or the direction it is coming, (I can hear the whiny voice now, as I type this:) “It’s not my fault and it’s so unfair and irresponsible for this person to have not only destroyed their yard, but unfairly and unjustly also burned up all the timber that I worked so hard to get in this spot…”
True, but oh so false at the same time. Sure, you worked your ass off to build your tower of timber, but the reality is that you saw the potential and likely possibility for someone else’s life to spiral out of them and into others’ areas,… and rather than changing the ONLY THING you have control of (self), instead you allowed pride and ego to justify not only the entire reason you’re venting about this, but moreso the fact that you realistically could’ve avoided, best you were able to, your timber being obliterated.
And before you try and justify further into avoiding taking ownership, let me give a few different possible scenarios of things that I could do in this metaphorical situation, but also allow you, the reader, to also create more to add to this list, because it may seem limited but realistically the probability of only limiting solution(s) to just these, knowing they are self-created, well, that’s absurd too.
If I saw the neighbor was burning I am responsible for knowing there is a fire nearby my property,…. I also see it’s seemingly a bit exaggerated and making me uncomfortable as far as what I see as loss of control,…. I thirdly acknowledge that my discomfort too lies in the fact that I can clearly see the flame approaching my direction….
Choosing to say/explore nothing is my choice.
Choosing to not move my timber is my choice.
Choosing to refuse to acknowledge or take action for something that has crept into my “bubble” (property), whether or not initiated or invited by me, that’s still my choice.
Choosing to live in denial of whatever I’ve created as a good reason to not have had to choose at all, yep, you guessed it, still my choice.
Choosing to pretend I had no choice at all, also a choice.
Choosing to blame others completely because it’s the easy thing to do and allows me to seem innocent and victimized, is also my choice.
I can so easily deflect and project problems onto any person, situation, event, place, thing, etc. that I choose to do so, and even if the entire world agrees that I’m right in my blame and resentments, if I am allowing myself to fall backward into the delusional hypnotic waves that are believed to be the freedom of the ocean itself, … and despite the fact that I am wearing the same distorted goggles that they are looking through to indeed see the vast ocean, I am self-aware enough to recognize I am choosing to keep the goggles on… and no matter how justified and accepted by everyone and everything around me to NOT KNOW ANY BETTER as many of them have no clue they even have eyewear on at all,…
The ultimate truth of it all is that I am responsible for my distorted perception… whether I know it’s real or haven’t quite understood the mirage yet,… only I can choose to question and explore this–
Or I can just accept without any question or self-exploration and feed into the masses and what I am told to believe and acknowledge and leave it as that, without further exploration or seeking to understand…. “it’s an ocean they say, so why would it be anything other? That is a reality I am being told is the only reality for me, and if we’re being honest, it makes me feel like a badass in a way, … and since I’m this very humble individual who has no need for praise or recognition and others know this, then this MUST BE TRUE if they agree with me and can see an ocean for what it actually is….” —–> (would be a great example of my distorted self-absorbed and close-minded thoughts)
And it’s so fucking easy and seemingly justified to just leave it there… because “you’ve won” is what your mind is trying to convince you, from a social acceptance stand-point— You’re right, they’re wrong, that’s that…
Funny how only when the majority is seemingly against us do we push to dig, question, and buck against what the is convinced is the only right way to be…. And either we fight for the reasons we believe we are right, or we back away and hide from vulnerability and discomfort in being anything other than “part” of the majority… which either of these can happen in so many different forms and ways—> ((I’ll let you create those versions yourselves as that saves us both time, space, and allows for each of you to personalize your scenario and example to fit the version of this world you experience from your life perception and perspective…))
I’m rambling I think… the point is this,… it shouldn’t matter whether good or bad feelings are associated with whatever situation it may be at hand, willingness to explore and self-reflect and take ownership of our part in each and every situation we encounter in our lives is ours and ours alone as tasks and/or opportunities for growth which we either embrace, or not acknowledge and pretend not to see. Only I know the ultimate truth, and even though realistically I know I can get away with convincing everyone else that I’m “right” in justifications lying behind any discomfort or negative projection of emotion I experience— I’m not being completely honest with myself, first and foremost, if I’m unwilling to take ownership for myself and my actions or lack of.
No one will know,…
However, it’s difficult today for me to not dive into possibilities and seeing my part, no matter how seemingly insignificant or justified my reasons and the facts lay things out to be,… it could literally be ANYTHING…. but today I recognize that no matter what it is, and whether or not I had anything to do with it existing in my life, invited, uninvited, expected, unexpected, it doesn’t matter,… I still have a part that I play in each and every situation I experience of every moment of my entire life.
Today, although I may throw my own pity-party sort of adult tantrum in my own way, obvious or not to others, I see it for exactly what it is and recognize how exaggerated and extra I am being, and understand it’s uncalled for. I get this today. It’s frustrating sometimes too, because hot damn sometimes I want to have the ignorance and be able to truly believe my raw emotions are justified and I have zero part at all, but unfortunately I can’t honestly say I am 100% capable of doing this, because even if I initially don’t catch it, I reflect and see retrospectively my truth and part in whatever situation it is.
I slept very little last night. I was frustrated, hurting (physically-my back hurting), grumpy, and tossing and turning….. the company I had with me could’ve easily and justifiably chose to pour accelerant on my embers that I was self-creating that soon turned into an obvious flame, but I realized looking in retrospect at this grumpy and sleepless experience that justified my negativity I carried with me in this day that is now coming to close…. Instead, I realize this person did not poke the embers or feed the flame, but rather chose to sit, willingly, in the overwhelmingly dense smoke that was making it difficult for me to breathe and exist comfortably in. He chose to stay right there with me and acknowledge his concern that I was suffering and how he understood how painful it would later be for me in trying to open my eyes without a burning, or to take breaths without still coughing up the pollution I was absorbing and breathing in…. and while I knew these things and felt them to my core, I guess I didn’t recognize in that moment that I wasn’t alone for once in sitting in that torturous pain alone… I didn’t recognize that someone else was not only just willingly existing beside me and acknowledging my hurting, but also this individual shared from a perspective of sympathy/empathy in verbalizing aloud the fears and frustrations the were coexisting in my mind of that moment. I somehow just knew the feedback was an attack and negativity for what was beyond my control in the moment, and that what I was hearing was somehow my own internal dialogue. And the only justification I have for such an assumption or misinterpreted, unseen, and unacknowledged moment is not justified at all, really… it’s stupid. And that reason is simply because I’ve never known anyone to willingly share a painful experience with me and sit beside me to acknowledge my very thoughts and feelings for good reason…
Time and experience has left me with this as a typical internal scenario of inner dialogue with self: “There’s never good reason, nobody truly cares to understand and everyone who claims that they actually care (about me) have a common misguided selfish underlying motive for pretending like they care or that I matter at all to them. Nobody really cares what I think, believe, how I feel, or what I see or the why’s that exist behind each… Promises mean nothing to people, and apparently words are merely words and hold no merit or sustenance beyond existing for any reason other than to fill space and attempt to manipulate whoever is at hand in that moment— to pick the right combination of words that they think are correct for making the person they speak to believe those words and let down guards… like a sick game of sorts.. What can I say to unlock the special features and get free stuff from? Completely detached and unfazed by destroying the individual involved… It’s almost as if they see this as what the goal is– solve the puzzle to take the treasure, leave the battered empty chest ripped open, damaged, and robbed because, well, they found that they were given access to seeing what lies within, and so they take what they want and light ablaze anything left or any potential for any other person to ever find any hint of treasure from there again. Every single time it’s thought to be maybe a genuine interest and actual connection and true similarity and genuine concern/feedback/truth of words shared,… no matter how convincing and how connected they become through exchanging and sharing about each other individually, the deepest connection and meshing of emotions felt through my belief and willingness to be vulnerable in allowing another to exist within my walls as they assure and convince me they also reciprocate too… It’s time and time again devastating and humiliating that I allowed myself to yet again believe in the idea that people exist that truly care and want me and to get to know me for who I am, as I am, where I am, exactly… I believe time and time again after I’m convinced that I have no reason to not give chance to believing what just might be that one individual that I hope exists and feels, sees, thinks, says, is exactly the person they are showing… no smoke or mirrors, no hidden manipulation or motive… Is it really so mind-blowing to think maybe just maybe I can believe that someone who says something actually means what they say? Is that not the entire purpose behind creating language at all in the first place? To create a way of communicating truths, experiences, moments, wants, needs, thoughts, feelings, etc. and best describing our experiences and truths through careful selection of the best presented words to depict our truths? APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT for a number of individuals I’m ashamed to even acknowledge as my reality in seeing that some individuals have nothing to gain in being authentic and transparent but rather see what they can GET selfishly through manipulating and creating a game that never existed as such from my end. That racecar they crashed into the wall that’s on fire and they left it there knowing that it was just the game and no sense of continuing to try to play anymore– too much work might as well start a new game…. It was never fabricated or anything but reality on my end… I was just convinced to relinquish full control of the wheel and trust in someone else to be, say, do as they assured me they were and would, and stupidly I wanted to believe in this hope and what seems more each day and year that passes of my life to be more fanciful than pragmatic for most I’ve encountered… I must be the fool, I think, to have it twisted and believing that people would choose words to depict reality of their situation and experience as existing as the very truth they are assuring me that it is… I often feel insane that I cannot see how or why someone can/would/does knowingly and without second thought or any doubt behind it being in any way wrong or abnormal to blatantly lie in the most convincing and deepest connecting way possible… Knowing the hoops and obstacles they are crossing to get to the most valuable and sacred pieces of the individual in which a simple careless act could destroy the sacred place all-together… and every invited footstep leaves forever an imprint into molding and shaping the once unblemished terrain, each step taking away the original magic and pure light that with enough steps from outsiders, it’s very obvious that the light and magic will be entirely covered and incapable of resorting back to what it was before. Even then, knowing they’re disgracing something sacred and irreplaceable that will be no more once completely depleted, EVEN THEN these individuals willingly walk carelessly into this sacred and only one of it’s kind that exists in the world treasured spirit and land, it’s somehow fine to trample willingly across it with no intention of even attempting to replace what cannot be found again once snuffed out by the footprints and soot– all that light becoming the shadows and darkness and no magic will be felt anymore once this happens, because no one will be able to even find the door to know this land and magic ever existed in the first place. It’s just a fairytale, that’s what the stories become in time.. a memory of a magical and yearned for scene that everyone sees never to have existed, and those who actually stepped foot there, well, they never looked to see, find, or experience these things, and all the words they shared convincing that they planned to respect, admire, and appreciate an experience they claim to understand as sacred and an honor for them to even be invited into,.. well, They’re pretending, for whatever reasons I can’t comprehend but that I know based on every experience I can recall in which I am left feeling foolish for even considering the idea that maybe just maybe this is the one individual who actually IS the different one, and this person truly speaks truth as they claim to do… “
I detoured accidentally, must’ve tapped into some still freshly raw unsorted and not fully worked through pain and/or resentment…. hmm.. I’ll dive further into that another time.
I intended to write about a resentment I thought may be festering into existence that was unjustified and silly and exaggerated on my part due to lack of sleep exaggerating emotions that are minuscule. I didn’t even get to sharing about what my initial frustration was because now I see it’s not even worth wasting words on. This, this is the message I needed for me, and to share with you.
I stopped writing earlier to go pick up someone I care for deeply. Little did I know the frustration and aggravation that would ensue all stemming from, let’s see if you guessed correctly…. it stemmed from misunderstandings, missed communication on both sides, and assumption.
I saw quickly how tired both of us are and that he isn’t in a spot to be able to openly hear feedback without thinking I’m trying to argue. He mentioned that I assume he’s like other guys, fair enough to think this, despite the fact it isn’t the truth in entirety. He’s still learning me, and realistically he has every right to think he knows what I’m thinking or why I do or do not do things.
What others think of me is none of my business: I know where I am mentally and realized quickly everything I’d taken time to write for myself in here tonight is life being funny and coincidental and a pretty common piece of my life that I’m so impressed and amazed to live. I somehow always spot on know exactly things I think in the moment are irrelevant and not on topic at all, but just as you see in this post, the whole beginning is exactly, EXACTLY every bit of what I would need to reflect on this evening before I fell asleep. Fucking weird as hell but man it’s just how my life works- very ducking cool. Every single time, never fails and always amazes me and catches me by surprise. Every time. You’d think I’d believe in myself and my subconscious intuition after 35 years of life, but somehow I just assume I’m just weird and that some unrelated metaphorical deep rambling nonsense emerges that I have no clue what or why but nonetheless always learn and get a lot out of my unplanned writing sessions. Experience has proven time and time again that typically there’s a tie to something that is happening or is about to: most times I’m tied to people and feel strong deep gut reactions and have to search and explore who and why this is connected to in that moment because it fucking hurts and until I find WHO or WHAT I’m feeling (I guess I feel what they’re feeling but often have no clue who it is and have to search and ask and check on people. I always find it though, and until I do I am miserable and sick and feel broken, lost, and hurt without understanding who or why, If that makes any sense. Trust me, I would think I was crazy too if I hadn’t experienced this for so long and doubted it for always, until the last few years when I decided to trust my gut and paid more attention to how every single time it’s been 100% right. I’m talking scarily specifically accurate with having no reason to even feel or think what I’m thinking. I’m sure I’ve explained it before in another post, but I’ve specifically felt and known the moment someone is lying to me, the moment someone is hurting me, and even feel who I can and cannot trust IMMEDIATELY upon meeting them. I am not exaggerating when I say this and mean it- it’s been accurate ALWAYS… my repetitive pattern of self-doubt (mostly bc I logically know I have zero reason or proof or anything to justify the feeling and what “I know” aside from feeling it… and man people who don’t know me or understand or believe in energy and connection and these weird things I know and live each day, …. it sounds fucking nuts to bring up something or question something that has ZERO REASON to be brought up or mentioned at all- and my only justification is, “I just know because I FEEL IT.”
“Fucking paranoid weirdo thinking she knows something based on bullshit and nothing,”
I already know because I’d think the same thing long ago. I don’t want this curse and blessing sometimes too I guess, because not only do I know it’s true because and only because I can feel and know, but I also recognize that I sound like I’m fucking mental— insane in the membrane— and also fear whoever will receive this the exact way I would if I didn’t know what I do today and experience it all… it seems like I’m searching for problems or trying to stir shit,… often I have gotten completely attacked merely fishing around the actual subjects at hand without accusing or mentioning or anything, just exploring in ways I wouldn’t find in any way threatening or misconstrued. And while deep down I know the attack on me is a projection and that it’s further justification for me to question my original gut knowledge, somehow or another I seem to always allow whoever it is to twist it on me and use my fear and lack of self confidence and hesitation to blame me for what I assume they’re thinking of me initially. I back off every damn time and believe I’m the one fucked up and feel stupid and silly to feel it at all only to later down the line randomly stumble upon the specific and exact truth, which, believe it or not, lines up exactly with that first gut feeling and interaction and everything- 100% to the ‘T’ I’m generally spot on time-wise and very specifically correct by the topic and person involved and everything. Weirds me out.
Not sure why I swerved off the topic there, but let me wrap this up so I can get a few hours of sleep,…
I just needed to finish this post to reflect on how cool it is that I stopped writing earlier because I realized how late it was and wanted and needed to go check on this very important person in my life.
I had no idea that what I’d written about, which was not even my original work-related petty frustration that now I feel silly for even thinking I needed to curse and ramble on about- not at all fucking (there’s the cursing- you’re welcome 😉) worth my nor your energy or time. Stupid sleep-deprived exaggerated emotionally fueled bullshit that is so childish I can’t bring myself to even think of it being anything other than what it was- numerous opportunities for growth upon leaving work, and by all means I can confidently say that I think I’ve taken the opportunity for growth and found exactly what lesson(s) I apparently was subconsciously seeking. It wasn’t even about the fucking event or the person at work or even about what said individual was approaching me with, that my damn job and he needed me then and there and so 💥 boom 💥 there I was.
The whole purpose of this urge to write and self-reflect and every scenario I was using for what I thought was to set me up to vent about the end of the day and work and frustration in general surrounding work, but nah, it drifted as it was meant to, exactly, precisely, and I stopped exactly where I needed to in order to best finish this post (which I had no plans to do so, by the way, at least not this evening, real talk).
Im grateful to be in the headspace this writing and entry allowed me to come back to.
I’m taking ownership in the dispute and frustration the person I adore was holding onto because of what I did/didn’t do,… and I absorbed what he said and understood how it feels, I agreed and didn’t push to explain how and why I understood what he was feeling those few hours I was MIA even though every piece of my ego and pride really thought they needed to speak up on and reflect the weeks and weeks and days upon days I’d felt exactly how he felt tonight- worried, scared, afraid, angry, hurt, alone, neglected, etc.
I fucking get it.
I wanted to justify and show him that I’d never do anything to harm him and I wanted to show him every text I sent explaining exactly what I was about to do, how long it might be, and my plan when I finished up…. I wanted to show him so bad !!
I realized though, because I do listen and absorb a lot more than I’m given credit for- especially about someone I care for… I realized in some sense he was right but different than he explained he meant it as, but in a sense I guess I am subconsciously expecting to be shown exactly all I’ve ever known from almost every single male I’ve ever loved, including my father and how I grew up having to find ways to cope in those moments as it was survival mode or else just fucking break. So I survived best I knew how. I guess I still resort to this instinctually without meaning to. I’m working on it.
Anyway to sum up, I do listen and absorb and I had zero reason, need, or desire to even attempt to share truths they weren’t relevant in the moment. I realize he just really needed to feel heard and understood and despite whether or not he believes he was,… He was.
I care so much.
And I’m grateful I wrote this merely an hour before I needed it most and never had a clue I would.
So I am so glad I had a chance to put into practice opportunities for growth and to be able to set down my ego and pride and just exist and sit with someone I care deeply for in their uncomfortable Smokey painful moment and merely exist beside them, because DAMN SON, I literally JUST SHARED ABOUT HOW I FELT THIS.
If only he truly understood how much I cared and could know how much I see and remember only because of exactly that and that alone: I really do care. A lot. That’s why I am able to absorb and remember most everything about him that he tells me, it’s only specific names and logistics of the stories I might forget a time or two, not by choice, just my brain struggles to retain and memorize what I don’t understand or think I specifically need to remember over the rest of the information. Haha it’s why I was failing history my whole life, I can’t memorize shit I just don’t remember.
But when I understand and care and know why and how and all that, you better believe I don’t forget it— detailed memory at that! Specific location, temp, conversations, jokes, everything. My brain is weird.
That’s all I have for now.
Grateful for this post and for opportunity for growth.
Grateful for him too, and everything I love about who he is.
One day I hope he sees, I don’t think he does already,
And if he can’t see,
Well, then I hope he can feel.
Only time will tell where this adventure leads and whether or not the journey continues United.
Just for today I’m grateful for the journey.
The dates on the tombstone are irrelevant, you know,… the part that matters is the dash that is between. That dash that signifies all the life lived in between those dates, THAT’S what matters.
Get busy living.
Until next time,. ✌️❤️ much love.