After a rough day of hearing heartbreaking unexpected news and having to use my old survival coping skills learned from childhood as a means to be effective today at work and help address immediate needs and heartache for those more vulnerable than I in this tragic news— I detached myself best I could and utilized the ability to feel the hurt each indivisible I spoke with felt uniquely to them regarding the same tragedy. This made sense as I couldn’t understand or identify what I personally needed to feel and felt okay sitting with those who wanted me there to be there and feel that unique heartache, accepting for myself that this was good for me too… because I was feeling something. It wasn’t my own processed reaction but it was something that made sense to someone else and I was honored and blessed to be that person who shared that fear, anger, hurt, betrayal, etc…
I got home and needed to catch up documenting the work day and happened to vent a little pity party to close buds or as a reply to another being transparent enough to show those poking from outside at me without knowing the day and my state mentally, and then those who know I vented different vents to each individual highlighting on how they might understand best… and at that moment I tied up all my loose ends from me making a mess and stringing my strands all silly nilly (it seems probably like this to outsiders)… but I always know how to tie up and leave nothing loose or hanging of my own- I have my solutions before I ever give into a problem- 95% of the time at least. Fucking clinical therapist, we know the tools and what works and what doesn’t (if you are a therapist who has practiced your own suggestions and do the work too- willing to put forth all effort possible to understand what it might be like to be in the shoes of the vulnerable individual you’re asking to open up or to complete homework—- if I won’t do it or don’t believe in it, j won’t assign it unless requested by my client.
Anyway, I got home and somehow my reply vent got flipped around on me and suddenly I was hearing about this person’s more serious and recent loss/trauma…. and I feel defeated.
I try to console or offer hope all which is shot down and I’m drug down into this dark hole with my friend, who can’t see a way out much less believe there’s a way to find light…
And man it’s frustrating and this is a great example of why counseling friends or family is unethical and impossible really because a stranger I can see as someone I have no experience or understanding or knowledge of whereas a friend of 20 years I am biased and get frustrated easily.
So I did well until this message came through:
“Dont feel to lucky bc eventually everyone leaves bc everyone gets tired of how fucked up I am.”
Da fuq you just say!? I just poured out to you and you take that as a response and make this a digging further into the depths of darkness and being “stuck” in this dark pit of hopelessness.
So I’m tired, emotionally worn the fuck out, haven’t finished work documenting, and haven’t even let myself have time to process the shocking traumatic news of this day and am taking time to reach out to encourage my friend who also had been having a tough time and THAT was the reply?
Oh fuck no, sit down, strep in, because you want and avoiding everything else that was said- all of that time I just spent sharing positive uplifting g truths and that’s all you managed to respond? Throw it back in my face as this martyr bullshit… and I know because you spot it you got it and I used to do the same fucking exact thing about 15 years ago… and in retrospect I see how toxic and useless this was and wished someone could’ve told me then but boy oh boy you want to find that negative in all my positives? Time to lay down some TRUTHS in a blunt direct way I’ve not much shown this fragile friend, but today wasn’t the day… and I couldn’t let myself not copy and paste my lengthy attacks (all from good places) because I felt that these were really valid points and that I got deep in places I just don’t remember what I said when… but here’s my responses (via SMS text messaging, mind you lol) to that message reply from my friend which again said, “Dont feel to lucky bc eventually everyone leaves bc everyone gets tired of how fucked up I am.”
“No, you just convince people that you can’t get what they say you can because you don’t believe it- it can’t exist as real or work if you don’t believe it I think you push people away too subconsciously to prove to yourself and feed that irrational inner voice that lies and tells you you’re broken or unloveable or whatever distorted irrational negative self talk and beliefs you toss around daily up in that mind of yours. That’s the most dangerous place we can live you know. Our own minds.
You are the determiner of your outcome and story- there’s always twists and dips and heartache and sadness and anger and hurt and joy and love and fear and unexpected exploding piñatas around random turns but it’s up to us to determine what happens in what we do in the moment to respond to that twisty turn–
Adapt and ride into that curve
Or resist it and fight against it being fair that it exists.
If this is a motorcycle we are riding on then only one option allows more opportunity to adapt and roll with whatever the road may fall into being next…
And the other option will leave you in a ditch if you’re lucky,.. and until ready they ditch will become the only choice you think is your reality.
The easiest thing to do is just sit there and accept defeat and determine this is your fate…. that’s the easy thing.
The hard choice that holds the key to so many doors and choices for where to go next is in our control. Just gotta do the work and keep trying no matter how many times we slide back– it’s possible
Climb Out No matter what it takes. We always have that choice and it’s not the one we want to choose bc it sucks and we have failed so many times. But unless I get the fuck back up and do it again in a new way and learn from my past slips and falls then I’m never going to do anything different and will never find another solution
It’s up to us.
Me? I fucking write my ass off. And I hate it sometimes. But I have learned thru pushing some good people away that not everyone is always okay with my bullshit and I never realized I unloaded it to those friends without warning or asking and they got sick of my shit. I hate they don’t know me and who I am today but I burned many bridges for different reasons thought my life and I’ve learned thru this who matters and that overall, it’s my responsibility to work on me. Only mine. Unless I’m actively seeing a therapist again I will work with them bc that’s what I’m paying them to do, otherwise I’m using the techniques they teach me to figure out what works and what doesn’t for me and me alone. So today I can let go of my negativity in my healthy way to cope that’s best for me and offer my true pals genuine energy and joy.
my loneliest times for me are never bc I don’t have anyone. They’re because I’ve pushed away everyone either willingly or else they had their own shit going on and I didn’t consider them and only used them to dump my shit on.
I still learn daily too. I share from my past in hopes you find relatability in my experience and hope. And if not, that’s ok too, just speaking on my experiences- we are all different, That’s the coolest thing about being us. There’s only one. It’s a waste to never show that original unique gift of who I am and what I have unique to my story as the only me in the world to the world. I pretended to be whoever I thought others wanted and I was unhappy for over 25 years and didn’t understand why. I had “friends”… I was liked.
I had nobody who truly knew who I really was. I didn’t even know who I was.
I went on a journey to find that answer and find me,….
And those who belong in my life have gravitated their way to me because if I’m me truly, those who are like me will be drawn to me naturally.
Fuck trying to fit in.
I was born to stand out.
It’s the gift I won’t waste trying to be anything other than who I am.
Don’t waste yours either.
Be your best version of you.
If you’re happy with who you are, then you will find everything you need you have already…
You’ve got it, you just can’t see it yet because you drag yourself down and won’t give yourself a true shot at finding happiness within yourself.
You own it you’ve just misplaced your your passions and joy. Find yourself and be proud of you. There’s only one. Shine that gem for the world to see and offer all you encounter positive energy and talents that you are passionate about.. do what you love and give the world that joy that this creates.
I believe in you
I always do..
You’re only as fucked up as the labels you create for yourself. I hate when you belittle yourself like that and refuse to even acknowledge your worth or the possibility of there being another option which is a good one for you and promotes your happiness. It pisses me off hearing someone you know and care for just shit all over themselves willingly- that’s unacceptable. You can’t shit on yourself around me- I take offense to that. I cherish and honor your presence, and fuck no I don’t want to see that rare original and unique gift that can be offered to so many and promote joy and wonderful things — you are literally stomping on the only version and original copy of the only You that is or ever will exist and trying to convince me (or others) why this only one in the word treasure that is like no other in all ways is anything other than incredible?
As a friend, that pisses me the fuck off because it’s disrespectful beyond towards yourself. You’re neglecting anyone from ever getting to experience the only copy of a rad and rare individual who could share that originality with the world and those who could truly benefit from knowing that–
And you’re willingly stomping on that only gift in existence.
You. Are. Enough.
Stop fighting against yourself.
The key you already have it,…
but it doesn’t matter if you don’t believe that’s true- you’ll never look for something you don’t believe you have until you believe it’s there to find.
You find what you look for.
Look for the good.
Outwardly and inside too.
It’s both places.
I believe in you
I adore you and feel disrespected when anyone ducks with those I care for– including you fucking with you. Unacceptable.”
I know this may or may not be helpful or applicable to you all, but I post in hopes that pieces of my response you might can take hold of that you need specifically to apply in your own experiencers to help you grow too.
It’s also been forever since I’ve posted.
Must. Do. Better.
I will try. I really will try to do better.
I know, I know, “there is no try… there is either do or do not.”
You’re right. I hear ya.
I will do better. How’s that?
Until next time.
Much Love! ❤