I am a writer.
I have been since an early age, and I found it was for a long time the only means I had to safely release everything I felt and saw through my perspective without being shamed or scolded somehow.
When I was 13 years old I was actively writing poetry. International Society of Poets was a thing and I got pushed by my mother into getting scammed out of money to be a member of a group who published some of my poems in a book of poetry. I went to the convention they held in Washington D.C. with my mother and grandmother to read one of my poems in a room full of fellow-poets.
I don’t know for a fact it was a scam. I haven’t researched it any. I just know I had all these poems saved on their site and one day years down the road I went to look back and found that the International Society of Poets was no longer a thing… and neither was their website. All of those poems I’d written on the site and not saved (younger version of me didn’t know what I do today lol) and they are forever gone. I’d never admit that to my mother, I’m pretty sure I told her I’d saved them elsewhere to spare her of being upset with me. I was upset about it already, but accepted there was nothing I could do about it so I just moved forward and pretended they never existed. I can’t remember them so I don’t know what they were or how many were lost, though the gut-drop I felt when I saw the site was gone was pretty significant indication toward it being more than I’ll admit to . I will never know the answer. Cest la vie.
I developed many irrational beliefs throughout my childhood experiences, but one of the most impactful would be that it was drilled into my entire being throughout my existence that it was not okay to talk about how I felt or to show emotion,.. and that speaking up about what is real or how I feel was not just not okay, it put me into situations that made me feel ashamed and very confused and alone.
Did my parents actually ever say those words that I shouldn’t talk about what’s really going on? Of course not. It was just what lessons I learned through those experiences that shaped that core belief into my sense of self and right and wrong. The reality is that I was living in a home with a dirty secret and addiction wasn’t a term I knew about back then, I just knew something was very wrong and by my teenage years I couldn’t understand how life was worth living if this is what it was about… if the world is filled with people who pretend to be something they aren’t and that it’s not okay to express yourself or your thoughts/feelings. I was super confused and seriously believed something was eventually wrong with ME, because I was the only family member who seemed to buck up against what I knew deep down was not okay and I did not agree with. So many times of being shamed and figuring out you’re the only one who cares enough to respond or react at all will really fuck you up in the head over time. For over 2 decades of my life I still lived this false reality, numbly going through the motions because that was what I was taught was right. Nobody likes girls who do this or who don’t do this or who don’t dress like this…. It’s not okay to talk about family business outside of the family. It’s not okay to tell other people about this family member and what they are like behind closed doors. You represent who we are as your parents so how you act reflects on how we are seen…
All of us followed their rules for the most part. My sisters did the whole boys and partying/drinking/smoking thing in high school like apparently most teenagers do, but I didn’t. I also didn’t make the straight A’s, have the beauty pageant/homecoming queen qualities, or did cheerleading or danceteam,.. which were more girly things. I played basketball, made sufficient grades needed to not get punished, and I was just very social. I loved to record things from an early age… writing, art, and as a teen we were nonstop recording videos of everything and anything, finding new ways to be creative with videos: lip-syncing, dancing, pranking, admiring, and even interviewing others. There really wasn’t anything we were opposed to when it came to our videos. We could pretend to be whoever we wanted to be and it was okay… I could show whatever I wanted as far as qualities go, it was a show after all, not real life, right? I could be myself in our silly pointless countless videos. I loved it. Photography followed later in line, and anything you can think of as far as being able to capture what you see and sharing it with others who will see whatever they need to see is a win-win.
I was 13 when for the first time I felt like I was being encouraged to do more of something that deep down I knew was just me feeling like I’d finally won in the sense that I was screaming to the world everything I had been ridiculed, shamed, and punished for doing my entire life,… the greatest part was that my family couldn’t see it for what it really was… and most people took all the symbolism and created the message they needed to receive through the reading experience. I don’t write to tell anyone how to interpret it, I write because I think it’s beautiful and wonderful to both be passionate and good at something that lets me be the most vulnerable true self I know, all while hopefully impacting someone else in a way that they need for their own healing/insight.
One day I’ll collect all of the writings that hold relevance to things outside of my personal vents about current life situations or people that won’t matter in 10 years anyway, those writings are for me to release negativity somewhere safe that helps me stay cool and level headed on a daily basis and doesn’t involve hurting someone by sharing impulsive emotion-fueled words before “playing the tape through,” so to speak. When I feel something, I either don’t register it because it’s numbness usually, or else it’s POWERFUL and EXTREME and neither are healthy, so writing acts as my buffer between the emotions overwhelming me in the moment to logically driven decision making made after emotions are vomited out all over a once blank page and not driving the words that are coming out of me.
I’ll be the first to admit that despite the tremendous growth and self-awareness that I’ve developed over my lifetime, I still fight my own internal battles regularly.
I am often still very self-conscious and question myself time after time when writing, mostly when it’s lengthy writing and raw truth/reflections and I know it all stems back to that root of being shamed for sharing the stuff I was taught wasn’t acceptable by the world and was wrong as far as the values that were instilled then.
I’m very careful to not regularly share those long reflective raw revelations, not where family could see it at least. Occasionally I’ll muster up the courage to share one on my social media but even as an adult I have those few negative experiences by family criticizing my vulnerability and telling me that nobody wants to read all of that, it’s too long, or what will people think if they see you writing so much like that?
I get very self-conscious when my writings are lengthy, and most of the ones I passionately and openly create are pretty in depth.
what brought up these thoughts? You might be wondering,… or maybe not, but I’m going to share it regardless so it doesn’t really matter. I have sent my older sister lengthy private messages two days this week about deep raw stuff… and the things no one would ever admit exist throughout my whole life suddenly in glimpses are being revealed, in confidence, hesitantly… and while that is understood completely, seeing as how it took me a decade to even start exploring all of that again and willing to write about and be vulnerable, knowing and fearing if anyone ever knew I’d be cast out of the family in a huge way…moreso than I already felt I had been emotionally…. so point being that I just word vomited everywhere diving into all sorts of things that I’ve examined and explored through 10 years of pushing myself to be open and vulnerable with this for my own healing and growth…. and so everyone who has suddenly been willing to even acknowledge that I wasn’t crazy this whole time, they saw what I saw, but pretended for the sake of protecting themselves… I just got caught up in the crossfire and nobody could risk exposing themselves so the best way to protect the whole was to pretend to take sides with the threat, even if that meant also having to follow suit and become part of believing I was the one who had the problem… I couldn’t shut up and deal,.. I was the issue I later heard in the midst of the battlegrounds of that homelife then… a whispered risked voice appeared to tell me to stop acting like it was a big deal… I hear the warning she meant today, but then I heard only “you’re the only one who isn’t okay with it, you’re the problem.”
i think she was best trying to tell me quickly in a protecting word choice to play along, but she didn’t say that. She pointed out me as the issue,.. and suddenly my entire life’s fight for my family I had just been told wasn’t anything to anybody but me. It wasn’t a big deal.
Whooah. That was what kicked my numbing, detachment, and dissociation skills into hyperspeed. I had no place and all I’d fought for suddenly I’m told isn’t an issue, it’s me.
I’m the issue.
That right there fucked me up in so many ways– that’s something I won’t bring up to the members within this experience because it’d do no good, only be harmful to know about… but us sharing together experiences that were very real and trying to piece together what it all was is beneficial and for hopefully eventual ability to remember and heal… to identify the source of all of our destructive means of escaping living in reality, still to this day. Going through the motions, pretending to be what the world needs to see to accept, but really just a hollow shell that can’t break away from continuing to numb ourselves without understanding why or when or how we are even doing it.
I’ve proven by now that I’m not one to give up the fight easily, and it’s very important and the answer to being able to live life while I’m still on the planet able to. I will push against that discomfort and am pretty comfortable with allowing myself to be vulnerable for my own healing purposes. i’m not able to be vulnerable with people due to learned defense mechanisms that have shown me that I have to protect myself from people and question motive and if they’re genuine or truthful,.. and so I am an expert deflector and have heightened awareness of everything heard around me, it’s how I survived for so long, and it protects me- gives me a headstart in hiding from those that wear masks and have only selfish motive behind actions– I am really good at playing the dumb card, and I do it often so to absorb information I can use to protect me and also keep out those who would use any vulnerability against me. This has happened throughout my life, outside of family,.. by friends I thought were friends but willing and actively threw me under the bus to gain for themselves…. by people I romantically became connected and cared for… they only used manipulation and empty words to get what they wanted and then left me to pick up the leftover parts of me that they didn’t destroy entirely or take with them.
It’s funny how that fear and unspoken sworn allegiance to my family still impacts me so much, mostly in what i share. I have countless paragraphs I omit from my posts that dive into things that really aren’t relevant to anyone but me anyway, but also it’s a deep rooted way I respect and protect my family.
We are not in that same place we were… and things have changed and gotten much better, better than they’ve ever been. Still disfunctional, but tolerable now. We are able to coexist and have good times together as a whole at times now, whereas we were not connected or able to talk as the person we actually were back then, trapped and afraid… but instead had to communicate as if the problem was something else,… one of us,… we’d create arguments and problems just because that’s what happens and makes sense… it’s how we survived and were able to take out frustrations,… on each other. It’s just the way it works in those situations… you don’t see it as anything other than the reason for your anger and frustration, but those countless incessant fights weren’t ever about us or whatever it was, it was our way to let out the real emotion…. just projected into being about something else, mostly trivial, but HUGE as far as volume, emotion, hurtful things said, and rage went. Mom and I needed to get it out, so we were the other’s reason to feel as angry and hurt as we did. I wish they could see everything I’ve been able to uncover and understand through self-work and my career and experience directly working with the family we were…. but different ones, able to point out the elephants in the room and that is my job and I’m good at it,…imagine that haha I’m just very grateful to be where I am today. I know I could very easily still be stuck deep in that negative core-belief that kept this mask covering me because I wouldn’t have ever known there was another option had I not kept digging and also wound up pursuing a career in what I grew up practicing but lacked the education and understanding behind what now makes complete sense.
I get carried away on some topics, but just for today I’ll not omit what my impulse tells me to move to a different document not accessible to eyes other than my own, …
I have numerous locked posts, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that, we all have those times we just need to talk about something only related to us and vent just to let it out, not to be seen by anyone else, just as a means of healing for us. Right? Surely you guys allow yourselves opportunity to just write without thought freely (sounds like all of my writings, to be completely honest,… that’s how my brain best reflects and sees the solution in the midst of all of the unplanned impulsive words that end up pouring out on the page. It’s a powerful thing, if you’ve never let go and just tried it, being completely vulnerable and just writing whatever comes out in the moment. It’s actually a therapeutic tool that is used…
“Writing accesses the frontal cortex; during emotional activation , it allows processing to occur” – comment under my last entry, which also was posted on social media, by my clinical director of my new job…. he’s all about that brain stuff, it’s what he’s known nation-wide for, after all!
I become bolder and more willing to be vulnerable as each day passes, and I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone because I know that’s the only place growth exists, outside that comfort zone.
Fun fact, this very blog that I have accessible and open for whoever to read my posts at their own will, that’s another one of my ways of sharing everything I can about who I am, what I see, and insights I unearth…
Nobody I know in my personal life is aware this blog even exists. And I like it that way…
Only the true explorers and those truly curious to explore my words by willingly taking time to read them, those individuals are the ones who are meant to see what is there,… because they choose to without any external alterior motivation or in hopes to create drama,… but rather just able to read and relate to, or not, but do so from an outsider’s perspective.
I think that’s the most beautiful thing I can offer as a writer,… an unfiltered, raw, complete overview of exactly what I consist of which is shown in every post,… again, I only write in the moment, and never plan or proofread and change what it is.
this is me, in this moment, as exactly who I am– I’m not editing that. It already will edit itself when I wake up tomorrow and have a rested mind and a new set of eyes to discover things in ways that most people I know don’t even consider an option.
i am proud of how “Strange” I seem to a lot of people, they don’t know me and without exploring who I am and knowing where I’ve been and how I”ve gotten to the place I exist today, how could anyone understand what is foreign to them?
Humans tend to push things that are uncomfortable away,…
and most people don’t think twice about it. I recognize my own impulse to do this too,…
except, now that it’s seen and acknowledged I need to understand why.
And I will dig until I can reveal that truth….
We like what we are used to, what we know, how we were raised, what normal looks like to me is very different from yours.
I wish the world could push past their own comfort zones, many times I wish others could want to step outside of what they know, and approach encounters, people, situations, places, experiences, beliefs, feelings, etc with a curious and eager to understand mindset… a thirst to embrace and understand someone’s unique traits that contribute to their overall being.
I don’t know of a world that this viewing of something “different” is able to be something wonderful but rather the world is programmed to push away the uncomfortable things….
I laugh though, internally at the complete nonsense of this in entirety…. the people that are your heroes possess qualities that are unique to others and so they stand out from the rest and are seen– your hero is different than the rest of the people because they’re different….
and uniqueness and open mindedness is talked about like it is really what these individuals believe they are doing well…. I know, I’ve been this person thinking I was so open minded only to time and time again later see yet another way I was pretty closed off to (insert random thing here) at that time and never knew it.
Idolize those who stand out from the rest…. act, behave, dress, appear, represent yourself in whatever is accepted or popular by society’s definitions at the time… discuss those topics and interests suddenly as if they were yours all along. People bragging about being open minded and original and consistently work hard to stay up to speed with keeping up the appearance that the media shows you is acceptable, and then judge and push away people that make you uncomfortable without having a better reason than they are different than you.
whaaaaaaaaat da fuq?
Human beings are completely insane.
We are insane creatures.
I’ll be the rebel here and tell you something true….
You are capable and allowed to discover your own true self, style, beliefs, qualities, views, etc. independently, and most times you will find if you do so and genuinely reflect yourself as real and willing to be open like that, you will most likely find that suddenly, you’re no longer uncomfortable with those who aren’t the same as you…. and that open mindedness you say you have, you will be living more of.
You will either accept each person as who they are, where they are, as they are and respect and admire your differences, or, if you’re truly being your vulnerable real true self, the fact of the matter is that if you still can push away those different than you,…
Sweets, you’d be pushing away everyone. You’re the only you that exists.
That’a the most beautiful and powerful thing about you. You’re the only one that this world has to be offered…. you can either radiate as your unique self and offer the world your truths and strengths or else fall back behind the rest of the crowd, the ones with the outfits from the magazines and on television,… and deprive the rest of us the chance to experience the only person that exists as you do, in the world.
what a major missed opportunity for us that will be.
It happens to probably the majority of people.
They’re just going through the motions, doing the things on life’s “to do list” that were listed as what the rest of the world says is acceptable and “normal.”
You get one opportunity to experience this world as you are, who you are, in this moment, and that’s the only chance you get each time. Only once for every moment can we experience it as it was then, and it will never happen the same way again, ever.
Embrace your moments. Don’t get lost in the shuffle of the bills, media, news, trends, electronic exchange of information (it’s not true social interaction)…. put the phone down and soak up every bit of beauty and opportunity to see the world on your journey this way as it is knowing it’s your only chance….
Change your priorities around a bit…
Yes, survival is important and bills being paid are a part of keeping you safe and alive….
But obsessing over money doesn’t make it appear, it just makes you less effective, trust me, I got trapped in that venomous spiral of dread and despair just yesterday i think it was…. it’s easy to start obsessing, it’s important to live life unfortunately money buys you what you need, food, shelter, clothing, water……
But you are going to pay the bills, you always get it done…. sometimes it’s more challenging, but no matter how hard you stress or panic each time it doesn’t alter the outcome of the situation in the end….
Practice acceptance and surrender to powerlessness…. you’ll learn so much about yourself and see things clearer if you’re able to exist alongside your issues with ease and open mindedness… finding that just past that discomfort and opposition/push-back you’ll find yourself fighting to get past,… keep going… once you’ve pushed beyond it, and understand you’re not in control and are willing to surrender to that in the moment, that’s where you’ll uncover things that you never knew you’d lost or were looking for before that moment.
It works if you work it.
You get out what you put into it.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
All of those statements are powerful, simple, and 100% true when applied.
That’s all for now.
One day I’ll collect the relevant and powerful reflections of my writings and create a book with short little inspirational experiences of my life…. funny, sad, beautiful, painful, emotional, emotionless, good lessons, hard lessons, and just overall experiences that someone might relate to too.
that’d be really cool.
Be your best YOU…. the world deserves to know the only person that can exist in the special and only one form that you happen to have. There’s only one chance to be you in a world full of people telling you to be anything else.
DON’T LISTEN TO THEM>>> they can’t find what they’re unwilling to search for,….
and they obviously aren’t searching at all,… they’re just doing what they are told they are supposed to do… without question,… and that is so sad. Maybe they’ll wake up, maybe not… But you,…. you can snap out of it if you choose to.
Authentic-true-vulnerable self is the rarest and most beautiful thing this world has little opportunity to truly hold.
I fight everyday to stay out of the “buzz” of the hypnotism the media will trick you into believing is the only way possible.
Your way is the right way…. and it’s not going to be everybody’s right, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. it’s just your right, not theirs. Be brave and be willing to truly explore and find this way…. for yourself, not because it was what you were told was right. Find your unique you.
I’m so excited thinking of the opportunity the world has in meeting someone so unique,… limited only one in existence sort of unique and special.
One chance to be you. Right now is that moment. Dive in, headfirst, like nobody’s watching…
because the reality is, truthfully, nobody is usually paying us any attention,… the world doesn’t revolve around us like we think it does…. nobody is focused solely on you, so stop worrying so much. It doesn’t matter what they think regardless,…you’ll never truly know what that thought is,… you aren’t them and can’t access their minds…. so you’re just assuming and guessing always regardless.
Be authentic to your core. You’ll thank yourself for allowing the opportunity to be found, I guarantee.
Cheers to you all and cheers to that…
Here’s to another continuously altering unpredictable post of nothing and something all in one big heap of spilling over words and sentences, out of order, mixed all up but still all there.
I’m imperfect and embrace my flaws as they are part of me too, so this is what it is, as it is, by who I am in the moment of writing it.
What a beautiful whimsical frustrating nonsense with some sense disorganized impressive thorough yet neglectful detailed lacking details directionless map to being completely lost which is the destination you’d never know you wouldn’t find in order to find yourself in the destination you never knew you’d lost without knowing how to find it from the very beginning. ,…….. right here, right now. ……..
What are you waiting for?
What will that next excuse look like? You;ll soon know regardless, you’re in your own mind, I’m just calling you out is all.
Just try. Really. Do the work and dig for what you want to find in yourself, and you will surprise yourself, I guarantee it.