◦ Destructive tidal wave or excellent surfing wave? We are looking at the same situation here… Which do you see?

I definitely started with a tidal wave mindset here… but that’s usually changed when I put my own work in and do the work and write, for me. Again a lengthy emotion-filled writing journey has unearthed exactly the things buried and forgotten- pieces of what I need but didn’t know I was searching for. That’s how my self exploration works, every single time I learn and find something I’d lost. I hope you can locate maybe other pieces that can help aid you too. So here’s to writing and self-discovery! Will go back and spellcheck/proof at a later time But for now, I’m impulsive in how I write and share so Enjoy:

Sometimes the circumstances in life just really sucks, there’s no better way to say that. I know for me it’s so easy to get tripped up by that spiral of one thing after another thing after another thing and I get so caught up and looking down and trying to jump the hurdles and dodged the obstacles in my path that I lose side of the finish line which makes things seem even worse than they are. 

So today I reflect on the positive things because despite all of the negative seemingly consistent trials being thrown in my direction I know that if I really think about it there’s so much more good and I’m going to miss it entirely if I don’t allow myself to stop despite the chaos going on around me and redirect my focus on the good and try my best to filter out all of the seemingly big frustrating obstacles and except and be content what time and just sit in the middle of it for longer than I’d like.

I realize that I made sacrifices financially that I knew in the long run would help me not overdraw every month with bills and rent. I didn’t take my own advice when I say that I’ll admit I set an expectation to have leveled out and caught up a lot of debt after three months of this transition but life happens on its own terms and unexpected curveballs have been hurled my direction as well as unseen hurdles placed directly in my path.

And the biggest relief and making this giant financial move has ended up not being a possibility anymore at all . And that really sucks and I find myself wanting to have a meltdown and just be angry because I think I deserve the right to bear really really the overall picture I still will be Better off than the situation I was in even though it isn’t to the degree I expect him which means it will take some time . I haven’t won the lottery And didn’t inherit some rich king’s fortune so I’m stuck for now but I’m making the best of what I have with what I’ve got.

I also am grateful for the opportunity to have no choice but to step back and examine these situations because they’re not going anywhere anytime soon and I hate that but it is also teaching me so much as far as being very aware and smart with every decision I make that involves spending. Just little stupid shit that I forget and take for granted like driving to town for one thing without planning that trip more wisely to maximize time and the gas spent commuting there and back and make the most of my opportunity there.

I guess I hadn’t really intently focused on that as much as I do now since I lived in Duncan Mississippi which was almost 10 years ago. Even then I would just impulsively drive the same distance as I do now to the nearest town not really too concerned about gas money i’ve always been able to pay all of my bills on time including my credit card so I knew nothing other than I had always been able to put gas in my car without major financial setback then.

So the point is no I’m trying my best to actively practice surrender and acceptance and to be OK with not being OK for a while and to really tried to let go of this internal “panic” I will call it, because no matter how much I worry and no matter how stressed I am and no matter how hard I’m trying our extra things I’m doing right now it sucks and it’s going to suck for a little while longer then anticipated and it does suck much greater than I already knew it would from my expectations I had set in the beginning as I sacrificed everything financially knowing that I would end up gaining from this decision financially in the long haul.

Despite the added commute daily to work from my unexpected employment change which happened a few weeks after this giant sacrifice and move— which put me then commuting an hour one direction after my move had cut my 30 min commute to my prior job to 5 mins ,… I see that had I not moved here I’d be commuting an extra 30 miles still to my current job so I’m closer to there than I wouldve been had I not made this leap and sacrifice. And even though I thought I had a housemate and a guaranteed bill split down the middle, which contributed to my willingness to sacrifice more than I even had knowing I’d level out in just 3 months time with no commute and paying only half of much lower rent….

STILL I may be alone but this experience has shown me that I am very capable of figuring shit out and making things work when that’s only choice I have. I also I’m able to look back up and see the finish line still exist and I know I’ll eventually get there but I have to make myself understand I won’t be able to see that finish line unless I’m willing to Go slow and look up rather than dashing through utter chaos and obstacles while trying to focus my gaze down word and avoid as many as possible.

I’m running into every painful obstacle– they won’t be obstacles unless I continue to allow myself to madly try to dash through and think I’m gonna be less damaged if I just hurry and get through it…

They aren’t obstacles until I determine they’re standing in my way I guess. They can’t hurt me as much if I am not running into them.

I’ll stand with these powerful “things” instead. Observe them, determine what makes them dangerous and if maybe they could somehow be conquered and become tools somehow instead.

I guess the only person that I’ve ever been racing this whole time was myself. And yes I need to get to that point and I will but I won’t be much good if I end up lost along the way or by allowing injury from colliding with avoidable hazards because I’m trying to get there faster than is humanly possible.

So what if I haven’t met my goal that I had planned to have reached by now and be benefiting from at this point? Things happen all the time and I am allowed to be frustrated and I might even throw my own temper tantrum in a meaningless and stupid way that makes sense to me in the moment but I think I’m allowed that time to mentally roll around on the floor kicking screaming crying flailing around like a madman,… it’s not like I’m literally doing that to that extreme it’s just my best explanation of a slight mental breakdown and one that’s needed for the moment as long as I mentally get right back up again. For me personally sometimes I really just need to not be OK and that be OK.

◦ The point is I could sit here and choose to continue to be angry, resentful, anxious, stressed, I feel like poor pitiful me and know that my unfortunate circumstances in a lot of ways justifies that,… But I’m not helping anybody especially not myself best staying in that place. The truth is I can get as pissed off as I’d like and I can routinely share my frustrations or try to place blame but for how long?

How long until I’m ready to accept the reality that I’m trying to avoid that all signs are pointing to the fact that I’m in this alone

I’ve been alone this entire time… just mirages tricking me into thinking something is out there waiting for me.

I have been in this alone from the beginning, I will be probably until the end, and that’s that there’s not shit I can do to change it and even trying to believe promises that if this far been empty is doing me no good whatsoever. Do I feel like I am owed For these empty promises and commitments are an able to be for filled? Abso-fucking-lately. Is that going to change any of this? All signs point to never.

So yes my frustration my lack of trust feeling betrayed feeling alone feeling used abandoned and financially screwed over justify my occasional mental temper tantrum’s I think. But for how long?

I know I’ve sat here and this resentment and anger and complete disappointment and stress oh well also trying to dodge random curveballs that life hurled in my direction. The Hope or irrational belief that I’m holding onto and hoping that some piece of this mountain of promises offered will have sustenance and I’ll at least have one stepping stone, better than nothing, even if it’s not the mountains,… even one stone would show me the foundation might be really possible…

I keep telling myself, no, no, not after everything that has been done to damage me and all the mud I’ve been drug through, that isn’t possible, it must be truth somewhere in this pile of promises… Anything- I hold this irrational belief that these promises made are words given to me and I’m starting to understand all aren’t going to exist, but I think surely they aren’t all completely empty. There’s no way this person could or would do that… not after emotionally dragging me through the mud, admitting to it, asking for a chance, promising wonderful dreams I’ve dreamt from 2 years ago… and then I’ve been left covered in the mud, alone, ever since that day I was asked if I still wanted us to work.

Was it all from the very start empty too? That very first push and assurance that it was safe to let my guard down and to allow myself to feel and trust fully? I believed it and worked hard against myself to lower those defenses but I did so.

All the shared feelings and moments I gave my everything to, was that just one sided? Did I fall for an illusion and trust what never had my best interest at all in mind? Am I continuing to be used and fucked over and just left here alone committed to something that I’ve fought hard for every damn day for two years, but for what?

I keep asking when….

Tomorrow I realized never came…

and my highest expectation on the belief that I had one day, one day special enough for that sacrifice of your time- one weekend day, my day,… so began the routine vacancy of a once prestigiously known, reserved in advance, respectable treasured opportunity, its vacant but the availability has been limited with the numerous consistent reservation by a private party,… who continues to emit rationalizations for the need to hold but postpone that reservation again…

Due to the recent changed circumstances the owner can’t afford to do outreach in the ways that were once easily accessible both in distance and by financial means… so really the decision on whether to market again isn’t one whose outcome matters at all for the time being. There’s nothing to do but wait…

Wait for time and opportunity to heal the damages done in all areas of life, and accumulate the means necessary to get back to the place that l was before, still behind but routinely corrected along with each setback,….. it was at least normal and manageable with minimal but still accessible opportunity to travel mediocre distance for needs and recreations too….

Or wait for a promise of a foundation or stable asset to emerge from a pile of soot and rubble, …

Both leave me stuck and waiting. So I justify my hope in the rubble pile as something to hold onto while every surrounding structure is crumbling around me…

Should I step away from focusing on the one sad fragmented unrealistic hope that once proved it could and did exist, do I focus on that possibly emerging

Or do I accept my solitude, and believe in further betrayal beyond what already was unearthed, and realistic abandonment and turn around, vulnerable, fragile, and without that sense of hope and strength that was at least keeping a candle burning inside and observe then the destruction that exists all around, and as a hollow empty shell exist amidst the wasteland?

Both ways leave me stuck for now….

I’d like to have a legit dependable new hope and excitement emerge in some aspect of life I just can’t find it yet.

I will.

So I reach out into the darkness again trying to grab ahold of a voice I keep hearing and assuring me to keep trying to find it… and recently I can only sometimes barely hear a whisper…

and then I wonder if I heard anything at all, or am I losing my mind?

I can’t even hear a whisper.

You’ve just left me alone in the dark knowing I’m stuck there. I can’t escape so why rush to get to something that’s always there?

Might as well forget about it too.

I know Life, you pour raging devastating storms at me all at one time, it always happens that way…

I’m just somehow hoping this one voice that’s kept me listening and believing someone is there for me lost too but there for me… someone is trying and wants to find me again…

So really when you can’t hear the slightest of whispers and it’s too dark to even try to convince yourself that you still see a shred of evidence that that pile of rubble is more than just that… what then?

What now?

I am feeling like I don’t really have an option after all. My only choices are close my eyes, or unwillingly take in the devastation of deteriorating and crumbling structures of comfort that are on fire and unsalvageable.

Am I still capable of embracing the chaos and taking in everything I thought I knew and everything I found comfort in, all of my stability and certainties are crashing down, I can’t stop it, I can’t do anything but try and survive myself… and avoid the debris hurdling from the skies…. and just survive.

For now.

Alone.

Soaking in the seeming reality that everything I’ve been fighting for and was confident and certain in was never there.

Somehow I believed this giant infrastructure was everything I was promised and could see clearly by its bold sleek build and strength that a thousand soldiers would swear their life to defend its honor….

But the destruction has accidentally damaged this wall,… that actually is nothing but a giant cardboard prop. It wasn’t ever there.

Nothing was protecting me- I was always directly in the line of fire and left believing I was safe without question.

Fuck your puny wall of fabricated relevance.

I knew better than to ever feel like I can put down my armor and guard. Even those I know and trust I never end up knowing at all.

Today I waiver between my ability to survive emotionally and find a silver lining. I am going to have to sit in the median— both ways of the interstate are filled with speeding vehicles and I can’t see anything to even chance a dash toward an unknown right direction.

So I’m okay here. It’s not a fortress, there is no shelter to protect me now, but I can hear one thing, I hear the chaos and I hear the traffic. I don’t need to know how fast or where, taking that leap in this circumstance regardless is a death wish.

No one expects me to be where I am. I am blind temporarily yes and also invisible too. There’s my advantage. I must stay here until I know more of what is ahead and how to best prepare myself for battles without armor… so resting in the middle of chaos is the wisest battle plan I have right now.

I won’t be prepared

And I’m not ready

Butter least I’ll still be standing.

Cheers to you, my tomorrows, whatever triumphs or defeat you may carry with you, the sunrise is my only chance in seeing a horizon and finding a quick way to dance along the shadows and pray they are merely shadows and nothing more or less.

Maybe the new day’s light will cast it’s eyes upon one of the many objects that I’ve been running to avoid but my rush has only detrimental my journey and prolonged any healing that might be accessible for me…

Maybe those obstacles that I’ve allowed myself to trip over this entire time really are tools somehow…

I won’t know until I find willingness to tiptoe around and explore the things that I’ve tried avoiding and have let cause me pain. Maybe they can be useful if I find a purpose or hidden access point.

Now I think I’m ready to sit here in the darkness. I may not know what is around me and have no plan for sure, but despite every uncertainty I now will take action as soon as the light allows me just enough illumination for me to dance amongst the shadows alongside the very things that caused me great pain just mere moments before…

I will search for that access point, revealed alternate path, tools I can use, or whatever I can find that can help me get through the destruction zones and unstable chaos and back on my path towards that finish line.

Detours aren’t always welcomed especially when you’re not given an option and there is no other ways or even a scenic route… but by damned you eventually arrive somewhere, right?

And if the traffic is jammed too, you can hope for it to let up soon despite the hours of standing still and be angry at the fact that even more time proves you wrong, or….

Put it in park, kill the engine, conserve your resources, and absorb whatever experience you have the opportunity to take advantage of in that moment– maybe just the sound of outside… a breeze, or serenity in the peace you’re able to find in accepting powerlessness and embracing life on life’s terms.

Here’s to the opportunities to be found in the horizon.

^HUZZAH!*