I will acknowledge and own my utterly pointless petty bullshit. It is what it is now-Over with. It happened. I fucked up. So now what?

I always find the best life lessons or reminders in these simple and silly (but in the moment seemingly extremely frustrating and dire) situations that I place myself in. That’s still sometimes hard to admit to, and I’ve been practicing this a while now, it’s more than what I teach and help others find, but it’s what I want to be and practice every moment I am able. I seek self-exploration with hopes of growth by diving head first into every experience I get to have, and finding value and purpose in each one.

And I’m not going to lie, I often take a moment to just kick and flail up in my head for a while and think “poor me, why me?” but this doesn’t happen as often as it once did. Just on special occasions it decides to slip out as if to remind me that I have a lot of work to do still, and I’m human. Sometimes, on those special occasions, we just need a moment to just be upset. I just need to be upset sometimes. And that’s great, actually, healthy I’d even say.
Until I decided to sit a very long while in this “Pity Puddle” and even say “I’m stuck,” and half the time actually believe that this is true. That’s when this puddle of self-pity becomes something that I splash around in and in time, those things closest to me, those people, situations, all of those things begin to become soiled with self-absorbed and usually pretty extra- splashing. It’s dramatic, it seems like it’s worth every exaggerated splash, but it isn’t cool anymore if I’m affecting more than me.

But I’m grateful that I’ve grown to be self-aware and honest with me- Most times my inner self-dialogue resembles something similar to this motivating pep-up, like, okay, you took your moment – it was really pretty extra and unnecessary all together, and you looked like a dumb-A, but this is one of those growth in retrospect situations. The beauty is you can admit to, take ownership and feel that embarrassed by, but all in all can look back and laugh at your dumb-self and what you thought you knew before but didn’t understand until now.

My chat in my head sounds kind of like:
“Come on, Resa, get real. Get your sh-t together, what’re you doing, seriously? It makes zero sense, and did any part of it help move you closer to who you’re trying to be?
Did you make yourself a little uncomfortable and look at your part in the situation?
Did you allow yourself to be uneasy long enough to take ownership of those feelings and grow?
No, you reacted on impulse and emotion- again.
You know the answers- you know the tools, so buckle down and actually search for them in the moment and do what you know.
You can do this- You always find purpose in anything you really want to find meaning within. You find what you look for, always.” Thanks for the pep-talk, Self.

I have to remember that procrastination is my shadow, and I struggle with a defect of being lazy too. I recognize my weaknesses and am willing to admit to these because I’m working to make them lesser and better myself and my well-being. No one put me in that “Pity Puddle” except for Me, this girl named -oh yeah, I did it. I’m that girl.
It’d be a lot more comfortable to blame anything else for why I felt/did/said/acted how I did, because a lot of times it just doesn’t make sense how I’m feeling or what is going on with me… but I know that if I’m willing and able to admit and accept my self and these emotions, and just allow myself to sit and feel them, that I can better begin to understand and work through them. But that’s impossible if they weren’t ever my reactions – I chose to react in this way, and personally, I want to know why so that I can avoid doing that again.

I would completely miss out on so many opportunities for growth and self-awareness if I weren’t willing to take a step back, and look again at what’s REALLY going on,… with ME… never anyone or anything else,… it’s always something with me because that’s all I am in control of. If you haven’t figured this out yet, please dig within… no one can make you think/feel anything- you choose to respond how you see fit. You’re the one with the frustration, so how’s that about anybody or anything else– you’re the one experiencing it. It’s your discomfort– explore and discover what’s really going on with you and learn something beneficial to help yourself not feel that terrible next time rather than creating any reason to blame something outside of yourself.

I’m only human. I will openly admit that just this evening, I allowed two inanimate objects to steal my power for a moment, and nearly allowed to completely ruin my entire night. In fact, I spent probably around two hours stewing and fighting with something I was powerless over. I was so determined that I could regain control and would succeed in what I intended – I NEEDED THIS, I WAS GOING TO GET IT DONE.

I stepped back and looked inward at my nonsense from the outside, searching, searching, for the good, the bigger meaning, the lesson I was meant to find.

And while I found so many lessons in such a seemingly simple exaggeration of my anger,… I’m in control, I can get out of the Pity Puddle I chose to sit down in whenever I’ve moped enough, it’s okay to sit in your mud puddle sometimes and feel what you feel, it’s when you begin to splash it on everything nearby that you’ve overstayed your welcome in your self-loathing. Powerlessness applies to everything— I often forget that I control myself in this moment, but that’s all I know for certain. It’s okay to surrender and put down the heavy negativity you’ve chosen to pick up and throw into your backpack every few miles. You can feel as sorry for yourself as you want to, and you will struggle and exhaust yourself as you attempt to carry the world on your back and don’t understand why no one cares that you’re about to collapse– We cannot take the stones out for you- only you can do that.

One of the most powerful quotes explains it all so simply:

“The hardest thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up.” l

My final discovered “A-HA” lesson I found was probably the coolest:

It dawned on me in the midst of me admitting defeat, surrendering, and accepting my powerlessness with an open mind over my silly situation an important lesson.

In that surrender is when I finally found it–
A year ago I set a boundary with myself to not bring work home. I was making myself a miserable person time and time again and continued to do so. I’d had enough, and one day decided I’d just leave my computer at work in my office and there’s no way I could work even if I wanted to. I promised myself and my sanity and well-being I would refrain from this.

Tonight was the first time probably this entire year that I brought my work with me with the intention to do it at home.
Well, lo and behold, as many times as I might’ve tried, and as much time as I might’ve wasted stewing and swearing at a bunch of wires, metal, and plastic, I never did get to do my work.
As mad as I was- I understand that this was ultimately a good thing hiding beneath something else. I’d have completely missed it if I’d refused to step back out of my puddle and own my childish reactions as being my poor choices to react on impulse and anger rather than respond when it was appropriate and I was level-headed.

This was my higher power merely helping me stay on track and stick with my promise to myself to not overstep or break this boundary that allows me to focus on self-care and well-being. I just sometimes have to shake my head at myself and how silly and simple the solution is, but I refuse to look for it when I’m absorbed in self-pity, I don’t want to see the answer, I want to be angry and upset, and so I let myself be those things.

These days, I refuse to sit there for very long, because I know of the monster that will stew up from what was merely a passing frustration but turned into destruction because of my feeding it. I won’t sit there longer than I need to, because I know that I will destroy things I love most if that raw, resentful, rageful side of me I once associated with most, takes over.
I don’t want to be that person today. I choose to not willingly flirt with destruction, and I own what is going on with me.
I continue to search, every moment, every day, to find hidden purpose in every single experience and situation encountered. It’s pretty cool to know that you’re the one who can see what everyone else is blind to– the ruby sparkling right in front of you all,…
“You find what you look for.”

And that is an ultimate truth.

What have you been searching for? Good? Bad? I’m sure whatever it was, that you found exactly what you sought to discover. Me too friend, me too. Tomorrow is a new day and an opportunity to look harder and push yourself further than before. I got this! You got this. WE GOT THIS!