Disclaimer: most of this post was composed using voice to text and has not yet been read or corrected. If you decide to venture further into this deep and beautiful post, I hope that you find amusement if and when you run across completely wrong miss place words I just know that apparently Siri has a hell of a lot of trouble transcribing my voice. So maybe you can see it as a puzzle in those places and try to sound out what I really said versus what Siri interpreted me saying. I wanted to lay this disclaimer at the top of this post before anyone calls and commits me to the sideboard (see, I said PSYCH WARD NOT SIDEBOARD). All of my faults or coherent, I promise, but I’m realizing just in using voice to text in this tiny paragraph right now but I’ve had to correct it already way too many times so Buffalo up because there’s no telling what laws (LIES NOT LAWS! Shit this is probably a shit show up in this post!) below. Until I find the time to comb through incorrect and fill in the pieces of the puzzle I sounding out this place words to figure out my original ones, please except my sincerest apologies didn’t know that I am laughing my ass off wondering what for (POOR NOT FOR) souls I’ve already tried to read this before I was able to include this disclaimer update. That y’all thought this girl has done lost it!!!

A Sunset to Awaken a Sunrise. Blind to the Daylight Until it Fades, and Only Then Noticing How Beautiful the Light Truly Is.
The End Awoken a Beginning,
Even Though it Started All with Accidentally Opening a Window.

Holy shit!

As I walked into my house tonight and fed my dog, I noticed the fallen blinds still on the floor where I left them this morning when I pulled the cord to open them for Moka to see outside while I’m away at work, and they came crashing down, entirely, from the wall…..

I remember feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with a pessimistic thought of “Of course.  Well, hope this isn’t a sign for how this day will be….”

And I just remember using that event as a reason to justify how tired, grumpy, and negative I felt.  Like almost like I thought, “Life is picking on me, of course this happens to me…” and making it some GRAND UNIVERSAL TARGETED EVENT that caused my blinds to fall down right then, like the universe knew I wouldn’t have time nor energy/tools to put them back up.  So they sat there, where they still lay, untouched since they fell this morning right before I walked out the door.

Funny that I now see this symbolism in a completely different way now….

I now see the blinds could’ve also been a symbol of exactly what happened, literally, they fell down and there was no half-way lifting the blinds today, the whole window was exposed and all the light was going to shine in- full exposure,…

I thought early this morning, “Great…. The neighbors will probably see me naked until I fix this…” and was grumpy that I feel like some people probably would try this…. 

And I come home and see them and realize this….. This moment of my morning, beginning my entire day.  This was symbolism of exactly what did happen today, after all… and little did I know that my hope that it wouldn’t be a sign for how the day would go, which I meant negatively then of course… would come to fruition in a completely different way…. 

I am baffled that they fell, I said it would be a symbol of how my day would go, and lo and behold it is exactly what happened but not at all how I meant it…

I was focused on people seeing in….and negatively seeing this as only this…. I don’t want anyone to see inside and me vulnerable or naked.

I didn’t think about how it worked both ways,.. I mean, I did, but not for me to see out… I lift the blinds for Moka so he isn’t so trapped and bored and alone….

Today the blinds fell for me…. 

I realize that my aggravation surrounding literally people being able to look in and see me is actually true for me as a person…. I don’t let people see…. And I have good reason and know how to, best I have found thus far in my life, weed out the ones who have good intentions, versus those who just want to use me for their advantage and care only about themselves.  It’s so easy and natural for me to give someone the spotlight— it’s what I do professionally… I listen, absorb, reflect, and help others grow and heal.  I love doing it.

I am the same person for family and friends, but without the boundaries that come with the profession. It’s just who I’e always been. I LOVE TO LOVE and I love to help others see what I see they are… incredible. Rare.  A treasure.  I was gifted with eyes that see what exists beyond an object or thing or anything encountered… I WAS BLESSED WITH EYES THAT SEE WHAT’S THERE… and a gift of natural empathy, meaning I feel what others feel… and then I also was given the ability to understand why and how they aren’t able to see like I do, but also I’m blessed with being a writer, poet, artist, and a love of expressing to the world what is right there,… I can show people how to open their eyes beyond an action or natural normal mundane taken for granted task that is natural and not thought twice-about unless compromised,….

I don’t want anyone to only realize how lucky they were when they can’t get it back again…. And so I write and I speak, and I am passionate and feel so deeply and I LOVE SO HARD and I am good at and made for showing you, and you, and you, what I see, and how to see it too, if you want to learn.  Sometimes people want to sit in the pity puddle and believe they’re stuck… we can feed into feeling sorry for them then, and they get to take and take and take without it being a bad thing— after all, they’re stuck, right? 😉

I’m all for helping out… but I also am good at boundaries too. If you show no desire to change or want to get better or do better, sorry, not sorry, you can pitch your sob stories to someone else who will feed your ego for a while, and continue to repeat your cycle and end up alone and still in the puddle each and every time…  I offer help for solutions then, but will not enable your lack of change for the betterment of yourself and to eliminate this bad spot you say you’re stuck in.  You want to be stuck if you refuse help or won’t try to get out of it…. That’s on you. I’ll be here if you decide you’re ready to learn to move again, but I won’t sit with you and get down in the cold mud and watch you be miserable because you want to not be alone.  Get the fuck up then, we can walk together…. I’ll show you, Ill help support you when you begin to fall… I’ll push you back forward again.  I won’t stay with you in your pity puddle though. Not anyone.  I used to sit in one too, me and my martyr self. So silly. So embarrassing looking back too, geeze.  I was so negative and close minded and thought of myself as the complete opposite,… the world was out to get poor me… I sacrifice everything for everyone and I’m shit on and used up.

Well duh. Stop being an idiot, Resa. Stop laying down in the puddles for others to walk across you— asking others to use you,… Yep, that’s what I DID FOR YEARS AND YEARS….

But back to my whole inspiration in writing, YET AGAIN, but feel like this is the most profound of the writings, for me personally in a growth sense…. 

It was my drive home after work today…. Man, I wish you could’ve seen that sunset. I attempted to capture it in photograph but it will never replicate the vastness and beauty. I never understood breathtaking truly until this evening I don’t think.

It woke me up and changed my thinking. I had future resentments brewing for what I’ll do if the doctor to call in my prescription again and I have to go another night without my medicine but that sunset reminded me that I’ve been fucking stupid negative and that is not at all who I am or try to be. Maybe all of this is a test and an opportunity to maybe get off of Remeron seeing as how I have gone four days now without it. Maybe this is my higher power putting me in the shoes of who I just experienced go through the same emotions and defeated feelings I’m experiencing today…. Maybe the conversations I’ve had with being comfortable with being uncomfortable I only thought I’d been willing to do and now I’m being forced to sit in discomfort, and thus far I’ve failed that as a test,… but it’s not over. Perhaps this is a lesson and opportunity for growth forcing me to be uncomfortable to better understand exactly what my friend has been feeling. I’m not sure what the overall lesson if this is but I want you to know that for whatever reason I have no justifications deep down inside that suffice for being grumpy and pessimistic, that’s not me or who I want to be… I’ve done way too much self-work and continue to do so routinely, so I could make excuses all day but in the end, I know I’m justifying deep down, and I know if it’s denial, it fucking sucks, sometimes I wish I were able to just really believe for a moment or so that it really isn’t me and could blame something else without following up on acknowledging my part in everything…. that’d be kinda fun to be ignorant again, just for a little bit. A justified anger or negativity sounds so nice hahaha

I’ve been on Remeron for years, tried a few times in the last 2 years to get off of it, wanted to, but never could…. just to see if I can handle my excessive ability to FEEL EVERYTHING AND TO THE EXTREME…. Like, I mean weird shit, I feel energy and can tell when something is wrong but not always able to identify right away who it is in my life or where/when…. it always surfaces and my “6th sense” has yet to steer me wrong. I’ve come to accept and embrace this over the last year… I always would stuff it down and make excuses for it being something other than what it is. I accept it today, and just don’t really talk about it much, because well, I sound completely bonkers… but there are a few rare gems that actually push for me to embrace and learn to use it and accept it, all of it…. a gift, not a curse. So yeah, maybe I should work through this discomfort and be forced to once again be able to feel everything excessively and maybe that will be OK and not overwhelming to me nor anyone I go around. maybe that’s my lesson…
I think maybe I’ve created a sort of placebo in some of it… convinced myself that it helps me so much that when I’ve tried to stop before, if something got too emotionally loud, so to speak, I’d talk up how much better id feel tomorrow after taking my Remeron. Truth is, I’m prescribed like the lowest dose, 15 mg I think. It’s day 5 now off of it…. do I really even want to go backward and possibly through this again? Is it worth it? Or can I handle it?

Maybe I need my emotions to be what they are supposed to be a naturally maybe that is a gift like people tell me I have and I know they’re right, but convince myself that’s silly and outlandish… because I know I feel energy and realize not everybody does… and even those who do, I don’t know anybody who can identify something wrong before even knowing where to look…

I’ll use a perfect example of a real-life experience that happened at a job that I won’t disclose or put a date on for further confidentiality. I was at work one day, and sitting at lunch and suddenly turned to a fellow counselor and said, “The energy is off, do you feel it?” Counselor looked back, kinda startled and confused I think trying to see if I was being serious or if it was one of my weird Resa comments or jokes or deep thoughts that no one understands.
“What do you mean?” he asked…
“The energy feels off, maybe it’s just me, like Something is wrong,”
“What is wrong?” he said.
I knew he did not at all understand or feel it, it was just me, and I was feeling stupid for mentioning it at this point….
“I’m not sure yet.”was close to my reply, not verbatim, but I knew how friggin crazy I probably sounded after I realized he didn’t feel energies I guess like I do, hell, no one really does, not in the weird ways I can.
Within the hour we were in a treatment team meetings (directly followed lunch) and the head CA burst in holding a handgun that had just been found on a client in their belongings, along with a cell phone. The rest of the information I can’t discuss but it got even weirder and more fucked up after that… No one was harmed, nothing like that… but just a lot of background info I can’t discuss.
My coworker turned to me and said, “Hey Resa,”
“Yeah?”
“Let me know next time you have a funny gut feeling again, okay?”
*nod*
“Yeah, sure thing. That 6th sense hasn’t failed me yet!”

Makes me feel crazy sometimes…. I’ve accepted it for what it is today, I try not to doubt or justify and just go with it… we will see what happens…. But in the moment of sharing this with my fellow counseling peer and colleague I felt ashamed for even allowing myself to be seen, at least that part of me… or trying to relate on something I know most people just don’t understand or believe…. and I didn’t either, sometimes I still fight it, but every time I doubt it or buck against it, it’s bullseye right on the dot right, I always regret not trusting my gut, no matter how far fetched or outlandish it seems in the moment, to me, and then I know I am bonkers in anyone’s eyes if I tried to justify knowing something by saying “I feel it, man…. I feel the energies duuuuude….” Like what the FUQ you on, and where can I get some?
I am trying not to fight it so much and kind of explore it more and trust it… it could be a very powerful gift that I repress and will not ever know until I embrace what is and try and trust my intuition, remembering how it hasn’t yet been wrong, even if the truth took a while to surface, it always knocks me back off my feet because of how EXACT and WEIRDLY PRECISE I was, and yet battled against believing myself because I had no proof, reason, nothing at all to justify a specific accusation or need to explore or do whatever it is…. No proof, it’s not what I’d ever tell a client to do, and I try to practice what I preach, but now Im gonna lean into some feedback from different peers who see and believe in this within me– they’ve known me well enough and long enough to have experienced some of it just Being around. I also tell clients to lean into discomfort and to lean on your support group for help and guidance.. so I’m gonna try and do it that way. Very uncomfortable haha it just seems crazy… I seem crazy. I know what I FEEL though, I can’t explain it. It’s intense and abrupt and there are no triggers… sometimes in my sleep, sometimes during lunch, sometimes at home alone sitting in the floor petting my dog… anywhere, anytime, alone, or not… I have no explanation or warning or understanding of it, I just know it and it’s real and weird and never wrong.

I’m super intuitive and that’s with being on medicine but I think the whole reason I ever started toying around with taking something was because other people told me I shouldn’t feel so strongly that it wasn’t normal for me to cry about a commercial because I see and feel the raw emotions shell when people are embracing what it means to be human it’s a love and to give for no other reason then to want to give back and help Make the world and humanity the way that it should have always existed I just connected not divided and excepted and loved rather than discriminated against and judge and ostracize for differences rather than lifting those differences up and seeing them with a rare once-in-a-lifetime treasure they’re being offered just by interacting with that one person who is the only one in the world.

I think that even though it sounds crazy and I feel crazy for saying it I think that that sunset that I almost ran off the road trying to take a picture of but couldn’t do it justice and then couldn’t stop staring and at one point I almost ran off the road… okay okay more than once— several times.

I could not stop staring and I kept just breathing it in I was speechless and so overwhelmed but how incredible and how is it even possible that such beauty can exist/ but obviously clearly did exist and how fucking incredible that I happen to be the one person Who was lucky enough to be at the right place at the right time and have something breathtaking it’s rendered me speechless…. like how LUCKY AM I literally the most beautiful experience I can recollect and the best front row seats… IT’S right there just for me to soak up.

Do you know how many sunsets I’ve unintentionally missed in my life because I’ve been too wrapped up in my own head? A lot.  And then the last 10 years of my life especially the last five I’ve worked really really hard become so self-aware and to be very mindful and present so that I don’t miss out on these moments that I am give it a limited amount of them to experience. I know better than probably most people and get really fired up and passionate when I talk about it about how incredible and how very lucky I am and how lucky everyone of us really are yet we still take for granted most of our moments seeing them as chores or routines or jobs are distracted and we miss everything that those moments had to offer us and those moments are gone they won’t ever exist as they were ever again… and I am more passionate and get so fired up and it’s barred motivating others and showing people what I have been blessed and lucky enough to remember to see and two notice no hell special every moment I counter actually is — 

And I get so aggravated with myself because it’s mostly when I get super tired that I forget the moment and I I really struggle with living in the now I stay in my head but I know better and I’m so grateful for that sunset I know it sounds insane you already probably think I’m insane is it really up I hope you think about all this is deeply as I do and are able to see and understand exactly what I’m talking about and my hope is that it helps you notice things that you haven’t been all things that you have just like right now I’m noticing all the opportunities I’ve missed in the last couple days because I fucking love the present moment which is but I work so hard and so passionate about teaching and showing others because it’s incredible and will change anyone’s life it’s definitely change mine but it took me 10 years of internal work and self reflection even realize beyond the feeling of peace I’m living in the moment and meditating because that’s wonderful itself but I don’t think people realize how incredibly Lucky beautiful and powerful life-changing it is to understand just tell rare one moment… It’s a no they can’t it won’t ever exist as it does now ever again I’m not sure how hard I try I can’t ever replicate it exactly the same way I don’t think that’s the point think that’s what God gifted us he gave us all of the tools to be able to access all the beauty and wonderful miraculous beauty that we have all around us everywhere all the time. He gave us eyes he gave us brains they gave us communication he gave us connection and love he allowed us to know what it’s like to hurt and have things taken away and only then realize they were taken for granted when we had them but they are gone. I think people say that they wish they would never go blind and talk about no broken they would be or how they appreciate being able to see but man, people fucking take that for granted I’ve done or no and it was watching my grandmother died for my eyes helping care for her and to hear her cry out that’s how she wanted to be able to see and here that fear and desperation and pain in her voice. And I could feel it and I knew that she meant it more than anyone else who possibly made it that existed and that same moment.

That’s how she an hour connect if you know we could always see with the rest of the world as wine to I thought it was funny no people can’t see what’s directly in front of them it took for granted thanks that they see to be”normal” and nobody fucking understand or realize that that’s not true at all we could stare at the same fucking tree and I guarantee you we will see it differently and I’ll notice things that even though other people are looking directly at this exact same thing as I am we’re not paying attention you’re not really seeing what is there not seeing and appreciating a beautiful every moment is.  

You were talking about purpose the other night we talked about a passion and burning and you know what you’re meant to do and where you belong and I am 100% the same you say you were born to love because I was too, but my far and my passion and what I’m really good at getting into and wanting to show other people there like in the world them to be able to see again while they are still able to….

I love I want to show people well they’re missing out on every single second… 

And the majority of people don’t understand that they’re even doing anything other than “living their lives” just like they are supposed to, seeing what they do day to day and obtaining STUFF and procreating and carrying on their legacies with another generation who will do the same thing …

Live their lives and never see that they missed out on really embracing all they had.

Thinking they don’t have much and not realizing how mind-glowingly beautiful and rare every gift they are given every instant of their existence is right in front of them, but they don’t see it. They can’t  see it. 

They expect the usual to stay the usual, and forget the gifts they are wasting that someone would give everything they owned just to have the ability to experience what that person is taking for granted in each moment they exist.  

If I told you that there will never be another sunset, that this end to this day is all there will be.  Would you feel as if you embraced every bit of this day to the best of your ability? Appreciated every gift given?

If tomorrow you had no sight,… somehow blind…

Would you be satisfied with how much you absorbed and appreciated while you could for these years of your life…?

If you suddenly no longer could speak, or hear, would interactions be the same as you saw them before? Of course not.  You’d give anything just to have the opportunity to go back to that moment and experience exactly what you were complaining about earlier today because you won’t have it again.  Why does it take losing something to recognize how important it is?  Don’t wait until it’s gone.  Embrace it, every bit of every moment… sounds, smells, beautiful gifts, interactions, everything—all of it.  You have such an incredible ability to embrace it all,…. And not everyone is as lucky as you are, but many would give anything for the opportunity you get every single day.

I want people to know how many things they’ve missed and what they’ve never noticed in the situations or places they think they know best. I want to show people how to wake up. That’s my fire. I’m good at it too. 

IF PEOPLE COULD REALLY SEE WHAT THEY HAVE….. SO MUCH IN EVERY SINGLE MOMENT THEY EXIST…. IF THEY COULD SEE LIKE I SEE… Like my grandmother saw, up until she couldn’t. 

That week I took off work to help care for her was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I’ve ever experienced in my life.  To watch someone you love deteriorate before your eyes…. But to also be blessed with the gift of caring for her and doing for her, this amazing woman, who if she didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be here… As much as she loved and cared for us and my mother and her siblings,…. It was a gift to be able to give back.  And again, also so hard, but only because of selfish reasons really, knowing that soon I’d be without the one person I connect to in a way that no other being I’ve encountered yet has been able to do.  So, My heart was bleeding for my grandmother as she pleaded wanting to be able to see again because I knew that she was like me and that she could see beyond what most people overlook as not worth paying attention to… 

They see weeds and nuisance—my grandmother and I-  we saw wallflowers who could exist amongst any kind and be different and noticed, strong, resilient, and  bold. 

I can’t explain it other than and my grandmother or Nah or connected through our ability to see beyond just the object in front of our eyes- there’s so much more to it. It’s not just a weed- it’s incredible and so cool to grow wherever it chooses to, without being planted in its place by anyone. It’s wild and free and crazy and people dislike things like that, don’t they? Haha. But us wild, crazy, free spirited weirdos who think we can change the world… are the only ones who can- and do.

We would be what you would call the weeds who get in the way I prefer the term wildflower myself, and I don’t care what they think cousin inside I’m smiling and laughing realizing what is happening and what they can’t even see but I do and I know that the one thing that all of their attention and focus and energy and effort is going to right now and they’re beautiful garden just so happens to be… You guessed it, the wallflower. And I cannot help it because it’s the one thing that stands out and it shows up whether you met for two or not you never plan for it to pop up does it’s noticed and it’s hyper focused on because it’s different it’s out of place it’s making an impact.

I’m a fucking wildflower. Proud of it too.

I respect myself enough today to not waste time waiting to be appreciated and seen for what I know I am and deserve.  If you want to take me for granted, I’ll be happy to let you go ahead.  I won’t even give you the satisfaction of knowing I left, you’ll notice soon enough…. 

And if it takes you noticing me gone and appreciating my presence after I’ve been gone… yeah, you didn’t give two shits when I was right beside you, in fact, you were busy being annoyed at the attention I gave because it was getting in the way of you distracting yourself with technology away from the moment.

And before you know it, the moment is gone, and you’re gonna look up and that technology is still there, accessible, available….

How come all of a sudden it isn’t important anymore?  How did you only notice, see, or feel how that moment that should’ve been embraced and appreciated and absorbed was thrown away, and not ever able to be back as it was in your lifetime. Why now is it important? Because you are left with yourself and your distraction and even though that’s exactly what you asked for and were complaining about being taken away from when you had me right there in the moment… our moment….

You got what you wanted, right? Oh,.. I see,… it was important?  Oh, I see, it’s when it’s needed and convenient for you and only you, because that’s how it works?

Not with this one it doesn’t.  And I hear I’m that one that got away….

Well, I’m not wasting my time believing someone will change and see me when they want to see me for what I actually am.

I’m not living my life to wait around for anyone to notice me.  

I’m a wildflower, baby. I pop up wherever, unexpectedly, and most people push me out, and I’m cool with that.  I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone. I just choose to live my life and sure, I hope one day I find that I’ve attracted another wildflower friend that keeps popping up or following me around… 

Nobody follows me though.  I’m used and thrown to the side and expected to be there whenever whoever needs me to be… when THEY WANT ME THERE.

I can count on one hand those people who actually realistically have that level of loyalty,… and most of the rest make it out to point blame at me not being there and I’m fine with that… I’m okay with sitting in my own silence, I have no need to justify who I am or why to someone who is so self-absorbed they see only themselves, there’s no effort or time I should give to showing someone who I am or correcting their beliefs about me, because what they think of me is ultimately none of my business, and moreso, they made it easy for me to see that they are definitely not one of the ones with true hearts and intentions, and just so happened to weed themselves out of my life…. Im fine with them creating whatever story helps them justify it and cope… I know that those who TRULY know me, wouldn’t ever allow anyone to speak that way about me, that they would defend and share who I am…. And that’s fine if that’s what they want to do, the point is, the people who matter, who really care and are there for me, and love me for who I am truly- bad and good times alike… those are the ones who are worth my time and energy and they make it a point to get to know me because they want to,… just like anyone could do if they chose to put forth that effort and it’s not effort if you want it and are interested truly…. It’s a gift and blessing then…

So, yeah, I don’t at all care what people think about me or who I am because the ones who matter know me and those who don’t know me, don’t really matter. They can and will think whatever they need and want to think, and again, that’s none of my business.

I could go on and on and on….  I was so inspired today, and am grateful that even though it took me a while to get out of my own pity puddle and remember who I am and how lucky I am to have what I do…. That’s the moment all of the symbolism lined up again,… it’s been there, I just have not been seeing as I know to see… I’ve been doing exactly what I want to show others how to avoid… I was opening my eyes as a chore, rather than a gift… and noticing objects and tasks rather than seeing what is actually there to see… I regressed back to what I’ve been so blessed to get through, and it’s okay to fall backwards sometimes… I’m just happy I woke up again. 

I think I realized in my raw emotion which the good parts of that emotion were awoken through seeing the sunset earlier. I realize that holy shit, Wayne. You’ve told me about crying about commercials and I’ve always heard that as so normal bc I relate to it but 

I am that fucking person, I feel things to the extreme and was convinced by someone that I was feeling TOO MUCH,… and I was okay before but when I realized that I thought others might not be okay by that I listened and started trying medicines again…

Maybe this all happened this week to fucking open up the door to show me I can get by and through it and that I CAN do it and feel it and not be overwhelmed or unable to handle it or work successfully or whatever lie I’ve convinced myself probably.

Good news is that I have no choice but to ride the wave because my doctor just can’t for the life of him call in this prescription for the first time ever, since I have taken it— for years.

I hear you God. I see ya. I’m woke.  Help me find a way through the discomfort to understand and see if i can handle life… I’ve asked for it and tried to get off it and always had a justification and a way to take it again— and now, I haven’t been able to run to the comfort med 

Probably always been in my head— 

I just convinced myself it helped me so much. 

Maybe it did.. or maybe I believed it would.

It was the lowest dose and I settled for it bc it was the one I finally found that didn’t numb me entirely- it took the edge off and made my family member happy

HOLY SHIT

I have been still allowing their opinions to dictate my decisions bc I believed them. 

I was fine but believed what I was told- that it was weird and not normal to feel things so deeply.

I gotta go process this- I’ve worked 15 years to get away from that and I still did it without realizing! I was fine until someone said I wasn’t . Why did I believe that? 

Holy shit.

Epiphanies out the ass today! 

 God put me in this for a reason. 

I was thinking I was seeing you, all of you, but I didn’t feel you like I am supposed to…. Maybe I was afraid of it,.. I know I am, actually. 

Today I got shoved into a place where I had no choice but to be captivated and engulfed by a moment so beautiful I was forced to look UP… I’ve been walking with my head down the last few days… 

And I know better and have worked for so long on this that I am amazed when I let myself go back to that darkness from time to time.

What I DIDN’T KNOW or realize is that I’ve been trying to wean myself off Remeron over the last year or two from time to time when things seemed less chaotic to see if I can do it…. Don’t get me wrong, it works well for me without completely eliminating my anxiety, and it quite obviously helps me sleep, because I won’t and can’t rest without hearing everything going on around me at all times…. I’ve unfortunately been reminded of this sleep issue this week, but I’m grateful that I’ve also been reminded to remember why I even started in the first place…

Because I felt things deeply, and shared about it,… and I was convinced that I shouldn’t, and somehow I made what was okay and a part of me being me to be not okay and jumped into trying out ways to make myself “less intense” 

One person…. It took one person to convince me that I shouldn’t be or feel what I am/feel…

And just like that I was still living by and believing what may or may not even be real.

I’m having to find out the hard way, but I’m glad today, tired but grateful for the opportunity for growth.  I wouldn’t be brave enough to stick out this uncomfortable wave I’m riding out now that I don’t have a choice.

God, you sneaky sneaky thing, you.

I’m such an idiot and am too blessed with the ability to see people and this world for the rare once in our lifetime gifts we are handed every single moment we exist….

Yet I still am human and faulted in so many silly little ways.

Cheers to discomfort and growth!

And a sunset fucking woke me up.

Life is really funny.

And weird.

This is so out of order and all over the place…. Wow. 

But realistically, I was going to only share it with one someone who if it is important enough to bring up will, and otherwise, it’s not even worth the energy or effort in laying it all out there. 

The blinds are on the fucking floor man,… the light can come in if it wants…..  and if anyone sees that my window has no blinds, then okay, let them see (not literally guys, that’s creepy, I’m meaning in analogy of course)— if it’s important or wanted to be seen it will be noticed and explored.  Otherwise, it’s just another fucking window to whoever is passing by.

Keep walking then, my friends,…. I know who I am and what I am worth today.  

I have the rare few who make it a point to clean the window and reflect and appreciate and spend time in the sunlight with me …. 

I couldn’t ask for more.

And I refuse to waste my time trying to get someone’s attention. I’m done with that chapter of my life.  I know who I am and what I am worth today. 

This is all I have for now…. Maybe I’ll rearrange and edit and spell check this all another day… for now, it’s recorded so I’m happy with that.

More to come hopefully… 

Until then…

Remember, if it’s important to you, make sure you treat it as such….. 

Please recognize and appreciate every moment and every gift you have as if you truly do understand you might not be that lucky tomorrow.

If it matters, and it’s important to you, it will be very obvious to you and whatever it is…. 

If it’s not, well, don’t pretend it mattered when it’s no longer there, you didn’t appreciate it when you did have it, so stop pretending like you would do it differently now that you don’t have it.  You complained about it when you did, you have no room to complain now too. 

If it matters, it will matter.

If it’s important, it won’t be questioned, it’s going to be known and seen by everyone looking at you appreciating it.

Don’t miss out…. You don’t have to wait til it’s too late to live your life,…. You have every opportunity right now. Stop living to die….

GET BUSY LIVING.