“Must be surreal”

Someone asked me several weeks back about still working amidst all this. Exact words were, “it must be surreal” and I remember this, which is saying a lot because I have little to nothing as far as short term memory goes. I remember thinking in that moment that I really didn’t feel anything, and I think that bothered me. I’m not talking about the pandemic itself, I’m saying about still going to work like usual.

Today through various experiences I can finally say I felt “surreal.” Recognizing that I too had taken for granted “the little things” which is usually something I pride myself in being able to recognize and appreciate on the average day. It’s kinda my thing- it’s what I do best. Today I realized I miss the background hum of conversations of strangers socializing surrounding me and whatever good company I’m honored with sharing a meal. I miss HUGS. I miss human touch, even the little things, like a simple video surfaced on my memories from a year ago of my gem of a friend, Sunita who was sitting closeby and touching my hair making fun of my wild spontaneous cowlicks. I miss traveling and socializing with my friends, that’s my “recharge” each weekend, and I found myself struggling searching for discovering something new and exciting in quarantine to fill that void and resorted to calling friends and FaceTiming my family. I miss my family. I miss going to visit Brikany in Little Rock. I miss opportunity to work events outside at festivals and fairs. I still see traffic each morning and evening on my commute, but not as extreme and busy as before. (as busy as Mississippi could be lol) I miss the freedom and serenity I find in the wide open road and comfort in not always being certain of my destination but enjoying the journey, nonetheless.

I recognize the opportunity for growth all of this has provided in working as a clinician in mental health inpatient substance abuse treatment in sharing that uncertainty and fear of anyone leaving treatment in early recovery to return to the world without the support groups and availability for continued care if sober living is off the table. I’ve felt my own panic for those battling denial and justifying this pandemic as just reason to leave treatment prematurely because I can’t give them the suggestions I’d normally have to offer because the world is shut down. I have faced challenges and helping others overcome hurdles of fear of the unknown as I stand beside each of them also in the same uncertainty and without the answers. We walk that journey together and apply even moreso step 1-3 in being powerless and surrendering completely to the unknown with faith and hope. I continue to grow each day as a therapist in all of this as a completely foreign and new experience. We will get through this time of uncertainty together (but 6ft apart still- 😉)

I caught myself wondering today if things will ever go back to the way they used to be, or will this have a big impact on the way individuals socialize due to fear of being too close.

It’s so strange.

Kudos to essential workers, especially those wearing these HOT MASKS all day. I can’t imagine all day everyday having no other choice- Cheers to my medical professionals! Kudos.

I am very grateful for being able to experience all of this and grow each day with new challenges to both me, my clients, friend, family, and the rest of the world. I am grateful for my job and my colleagues and my clients. I will continue to fight the good fight with every precaution taken to ensure well being to all I encounter.

Today I choose to find gratitude in being able to recognize things I still take for granted without realizing it.

And with that, I will go take opportunity to try and have a glance at this special “pink moon” that is shining overhead only for this night, before I wind down for bed. I hope you do/did the same.

I love you all and am here for anyone who needs a chat about anything, nothing, and whatever lies in between.

I salute all of those following the shelter in place orders, staying at gone, and practicing healthy social distancing and preventative healthy hygiene. You are my heroes. I don’t know if I could do it living alone for that long. Mad respect and love to you all. You are the heroes, you’re saving lives whether you realize that or not. I am here to say Thank You and I see and appreciate all you’re doing and the emotional and mental strain this may be causing. I can only imagine. So thank you again from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful for you who are doing your part by listening and adhering to the orders.

Just felt the need for some self-reflection for tonight.

Update: it’s too cloudy in Etta, Mississippi to see the moon at all. Hopefully you are luckier wherever your view is. At least I know it’s still there- practicing social distancing too.
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