A̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶r̶,̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶’t ̶b̶e̶ ̶R̶I̶G̶H̶T̶,̶
̶W̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶p̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶l̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶K̶N̶O̶W̶.̶.̶.̶
̶I̶f̶ ̶a̶b̶s̶e̶n̶t̶,̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶W̶R̶I̶T̶E̶?̶
̶P̶h̶y̶s̶i̶c̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶e̶l̶l̶,̶ ̶I ̶a̶n̶s̶w̶e̶r̶ ̶N̶O̶.̶
̶
̶T̶r̶y̶ ̶t̶e̶x̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶g̶,̶ ̶a̶ ̶D̶A̶Z̶E̶,̶
̶S̶o̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶e̶r̶r̶o̶r̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶C̶I̶T̶E̶,̶
̶Y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶s̶ ̶t̶r̶u̶t̶h̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶D̶A̶Y̶S̶
̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶you ̶h̶a̶ve ̶S̶I̶G̶H̶T̶
̶
̶T̶o̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶d̶e̶r̶s̶,̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶M̶O̶U̶R̶N̶I̶N̶G̶,̶
̶A̶s̶ ̶I̶ ̶g̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶e̶x̶c̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶O̶D̶E̶,̶
̶G̶i̶f̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶a̶p̶t̶o̶p̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶M̶O̶R̶N̶I̶N̶G̶,̶
̶S̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶,̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶O̶W̶E̶D̶.̶

 

So here’s me over on the left feeling inspired and excited to share my deep innermost moving messages and reflections through writing about it,… and my vision is beautiful, like that image of the fireworks. That’s what I think I’m doing…  As I drive down the highway full of inspiration and attempt to use “voice-to-text” on my iPhone, “talking” words into my “notes,” so that my eyes are on the road but my thoughts are being written out so not to get lost or forgotten…. After the hour one-way commute, I usually carry the phone inside, still talking until I can take care of my dog being let out and fed. That’s when I dive into my notes with actually texting the follow-up and finish up my inspirational message via texting.  By then it’s usually too late to do anything aside from two choices, 1) leave it in my notes and forget about it 2) post it and pray to the writing gods that something made sense.  I’ve only looked back once on one of those many posts and cringed to see spaces were left out, words were capitalized all over the place, … Siri misunderstanding my somewhat southern accent and throwing in whatever words seem like they’d be fun to fill in for “whatever the hell that word was..”  I could seriously see people working behind computers listening to voice texting and trying to transcribe and just toss in something random that mayyyybe sounds sort-of similar (probably not) so they can keep up and keep going to finish following your voice. I know that’s not how it works, but it’s fun to imagine. I’d get fired from a job like that– I’d be intentionally tossing in hilarious words, just wherever they happen to fall… “dog,”  “biscuit,”  “succotash,” “Squidbillies,” “orgasms.”  You get the gist.

Unfortunately for you, and for myself, I’ve been without a good working laptop for several years now…. probably 5 if I had to make a rough guesstimate.  So not only have my posts probably been garbage bombs, but also I have neglected and pushed away from posting as much because it’s so much effort I have to put in just to get all the recording and texts together to just throw up in here and hit POST before I can think twice about it.

So that impulsive frustration-fueled post is illustrated best in that picture on the right-side,…. This would be the reality of what it actually looks like.  So left-side, I’m in control and making magical powerful things that are so beautiful for the world to see! And then the right side,… What everyone else sees/experiences. Yikes!  Sorry, friends.

Trust me, I understand the turn-off of bad grammar and fragments, and just fucked-up English… Why write if you can’t manipulate the words of your language to dance whatever dance you are trying to convey. I’m an English minor, endorsed in English (and Art) for my B.S. teaching degree (which I never used after student teaching and actually let that licensure expire a few years back). I’m not a teacher, if you didn’t already guess that.  I am a therapist.  the letters M.Ed, NCC, LPC follow behind my signature, like a little annoying train,.. as if my name isn’t long enough.  I’ve been working in counseling for 10 years now, and 3 of my 4 careers have been substance abuse treatment facilities,… as soon as I started working at my first treatment facility, working with teenagers in a long-term adolescent treatment facility,… I knew through that job that substance abuse inpatient treatment is exactly where I belong in this career path, and I was born for this position and profession.

I got this out to write initially with lightening strikes on my mind, thinking I would tell my lightening story, but I’m not sure where this will end up in the end…. I never do though. That’s the beauty of my writing-style, however.  I’m pretty transparent in my writing in two ways, first being that I can’t/don’t/won’t plan ahead what I’m going to say. If I did that, I wouldn’t start writing anything at all, my brain can’t do that.  I respond and live in the present moment, and as do my words pour out onto the background and arrange themselves as they feel they must, and I help them to exist and hope to give them purpose too. Secondly, I have said before, I do not proof read before posting anything. I figure I’m writing in the exact moment and releasing what’s in my spirit because it is what needs to be let out and shared elsewhere. I take out the stress and worry and I write as my authentic self, right now, in this moment. Knowing myself fairly well, I understand that while I highly commend and appreciate and have mad respect for those who can plan and organize and omit and alter before posting things, I unfortunately don’t have that ability. Not for my own stuff at least,… If anyone needs a paper helper or needs my manipulative charmer talent in words to distract and take space while also conveying a message that is powerful and emotionally tied to the topic at hand,… I’ll also help out best I can with those fillers of information and orchestrate the dance of the content but as far as proof reading it, that’s on you, my friend.

I didn’t realize I was thinking how beautiful and inspirational to others I was being through my blog posts, lighting the way to the beautiful simplicity of life and every extravagant thing it holds for you to find every single day….. and all of the audience is witnessing a horrific fire that is the actual reality of my amazing sparklers… I’m walking them around showing everyone their light and inspiration and beautiful changing colors and sparks,….  I’m screaming in excitement and bellowing out happy  tunes.

Everyone is screaming like me too….

Except, wait, they’re actually screaming-screaming.

Oh.   Shit.

 

I see my inspiration and excitement didn’t turn out quite the way I anticipated it to…. but hopefully now I’m back bay~bee!  Let’s see how much having a Chromebook again (after 5- 8 years probably) will make a difference.  So far my new Chromebook as taught me that I have extremely slow wifi. Damn JetpackPro Verizon bullshit can’t help me do shit.

 

Like, my friend downloaded a media application about 6 hours ago, 10 mins after I started downloading the same thing…. hers was done in like 5-10 mins. Again, been trying to download since 6:30 PM…. It is now 12:25 AM… And mine is only 84.3 MB of 140.3 MB. Ughhhh There’s no sense in trying to stay up an wait for it to download. I didn’t realize it was midnight already!  I’m supposed to get a bag packed and head up to visit Brikany tomorrow. She and her son and husband are kinda quarantined in their home because of the Coronavirus. No, none of them have it, but Little Rock shut down his daycare and Lost 40 had to cancel brewery events for a month or two, or more….?  So she’s practically stuck at the house. With my childhood longest standing friend, Brikany,… driving 3.5 hours one-way, with no funds,… like negative funds,… but I’m going to gas up my car and load up Mok and myself and drive up, even if just for one night with my gal,… I need a night to get away from here.

I really miss Arkansas so much sometimes. I have met some life-long ammmmazing friends and some have become what I consider my family. Family isn’t just blood. Family is family–Your people that belong and stay in your life… The ones you can walk in to their homes free of judgment and ask for a brew or the toilet, or take off your shoes… You talk about all the weird things you don’t talk to normal people about.. like how I grew a hair on my left breast for no reason without warning, just one random hair. Odd…

Or plan whether or not the other person has showered so that we can figure out if we have to shower too or if maybe both can go dressed like comfortable slobs.  Farts, burps, pooping at those “family’s” houses, eating their food, discussing our own personal drama in life and hearing a truth that you know you’re not too keen about hearing but you don’t abandon the idea, realizing you NEED to hear it because it’s he gosh-durn truth… and the truth sucks to hear. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll have a justified reason as to why “they” meaning your closest friends (aka fam) don’t really know or understand it all not enough to be able to provide the right kind of feedback…. But I stick around because well yes, I may want to burn through your soul with my flames emitting from my eyes for a moment, but I try my best to set my pride aside and remember I don’t know shit in the grand scheme of things…I don’t. And every person I will ever meet knows something that I do not.

It’s all about perception and perspective.

You find what you look for.

I train myself hard and practice every day to try and live out that last quote, to the best of my ability. I really try to practice what I preach, so to speak…  I wouldn’t recommend for a client something I. didn’t believe in or thought was bogus… unless that’s something they want to try and mention it to me, then sure, I’ll learn even more! But over all, if I’m asked about different coping skills for say, people-pleasing/inability to say “no”,… I’m not going to preach on trying to juggle seven rocks while doing the Macarena…. although this sounds like a tool I’ll use later in practice with someone who might need it as an extra twist analogy for an issue at hand.  What I will do, and have done many times, is ask my client to come into the office and hold “this” (whatever it may be), and then I ask him to hold this, and this, and this too, oh and this, and this…  and just grab stuff like books on my bookshelves or boxes, papers, binders, notebooks, decorations, … anything in sight.  I will continue to do this and my client continues to take more and more and more and pretty soon MOST all of them end up with the pile toppled overr and a big mess in it’s glorious midst. Before they can apologize I throw out the, “Weren’t you struggling?”

“Yeah at that last little bit I–”
“You never told me to stop.”
“Well I didn’t think th–”
“I didn’t forcibly have your hands chained to those items, I just asked you to do something.”
“I couldn’t”

“Why didn’t you ever say no? Why didn’t you ask ME for help? Why didn’t you take a break?

 

I leave the mess for a moment more as to allow opportunity to absorb and make an impression and visual memory of what it looks like to continue neglecting self and allowing others to run over you being upset, when in reality you have the control.

How many times do you say yes and mean yes?
How many times do you say no and mean no?
How many times do you say yes but you really want to say no?

I usually send them out with that assignment to carry with them and pay attention to and keep track of how many of each category and to list the situations.  Most don’t finish the actual “tallying” assignment,.. I know when my therapist assigned that activity to mer in grad school, when we were required to seek therapy and know what it’s like to sit on the other side, as a client, not a professional.

I was a dick, and remember internally identifying the names of the counseling skills she was using with me— prideful, young, close-minded, and insensitive were character defects that I had strong back in those early 20’s.  Looking in retrospect, I learned a lot from that silly activity and I still use it for my clients. I want to get a therapist so badly. I have always been opposed and defiant and closed-down to therapists, but today I’m not that same person I was then. I’m a therapist who is eager to learn, grow, heal, and become better too.  I was never ready before.  I’m ready today. I’m okay and eager to be transparent, the problem is finding a therapist that I could see that insurance would cover (it won’t- I have shit-surance) and also someone I don’t know personally and who doesn’t know me or anyone I know. That’s the ideal therapist… no countertransference or transference, no dual relationships, just a weird-ass girl who is a therapist that needs to see her own therapist and try to speak as me, and me alone,.. not about work or my specific clients or struggles there.

Hm……. I’ll put my feelers out.

 

I realize this is not the greatest insightful light-bulb changing moment post, and it is what it is… I just realized it’s 1:02 AM and I’m supposed to be getting up early to pack and load up and drive 3.5 hours into Coronavirus Land (Little Rock, Arkansas) to spend a day and night in my great friends Brikany’s home with her husband and son….doing…..nothing…….. and then sleeping, doing a little more nothing, and driving straight back to Mississippi to get ready for another work week. Horrah!

That’s what? 7 hours worth of driving for 24 hours or less visit?

 

Yeah, probably going to go ahead and do it. What the hell else will I do? Nothing. Same thing as there, but with a friend and a Brew that I can only get in Arkansas. It’s decided then. I’ll get up, hopefully by 7-8…shower and pack… and leave here around 9:45….arrive a little after the 1PM hour…  ORRR if I decided going on 4 hours of sleep is sufficient, I’ll get up and moving earlier, but I seriously doubt that, as my track record this week has shown I’ve been exhausted every day because my sleep schedule is so off whack this week…. going to bed at awful times,… like 1:00 in the morning, like right now. :-\

One last random side note…

I had a lot of mascara clumped up on my lashes yesterday and I gently pulled on the eyelashes to get some of the crusty gunk out…. except, it pulled out hunks of my eyelashes with it.  I’ve never pulled out a hunk of lashes like that before. I see if very noticeable and it makes me a little self-conscious,… but I bet unless someone knew to look or ask, that I’m the only one panicking.  Hopefully they grow back.  The internet gods provided messages stating they will grow back…

…….

…………………………………………in like 2 months.

This week has been so difficult. Everything from a bedbug infestation at my job, to not sleeping well, to the other counselor being off-campus all week on vaca and me covering his groups that we typically split. And my laptop, this laptop… that was delivered today, was not on my porch or by my door when I got home (left early because I didn’t want a laptop chilling outside of my house on the porch and knew it had been delivered so I needed to go get it)…. and I panicked a bit. I’d have gone to LR tonight had all those curveballs not been thrown at my groin.

Fingers crossed that my gas doesn’t run out when I’m on the way out tomorrow– station is like 15 miles down the road… I’m already to the blinking  light for UH OH gas symbol …. below the number when it still actually tells you how many miles left you have before you run out. So that’ll be a fun game of roulette!

I’m hoping to be writing more often again, and actually have a still weird and quirky layout and interesting way of writing,… a creative and asthetically pleasing way though, not a misspelled words, eliminated spaces, and capitalized words of any sort, garbaging up my posts.  So sorry again for that.

 

I’m back bay~bee!

 

Until then.