A little of a lot a bit

This… this is my case that my work badge sits inside that hangs around my neck every single day on display.

If you live in a cave you may not realize these are supposed to be clear and see-through. I took my cards out of this case- it’s empty.

Needless to say I have to change mine out on the reg. Do other people even ever get a second one? Whooah, my mind just got blown! — H to you guys, those who still carry their first badge case proudly in pristine condition! That’s pretty impressive- if mine was able to stay clear I hang that thing on the table to much I know it’s broken at least once! ((Anyone else?? That surprising unexpected jolt like someone jerked you by the neck back to Earth from some far off galaxy you didn’t even know you were visiting like WHOOMP!!)) No one? I’ll own it, I do it at least once a day, if not more. My little metal clip that holds it is all bent in all sorts of crazy cool ways!) I’m sure that makes my badge Art even more valuable huh? 😂😉

I don’t intentionally dive elbows deep into a sea of paint upon walking in the door, I promise, although that sounds like a AWESOME TIME!

If I’m working I will end up part-unicorn on most days… almost always my hands—

if I’m really colorful, that’s a secret way to know that this was a GOOD day,…

if i look like I got attacked by paint

that means I was really able to do my job and others were busy and engaged and open minded enough to ask for help. Painted Resa=Great Group.

I don’t know how paint ends up on me in all the places it does, it’s a part of my being now, I’ve come to peace with embracing that.

“Oh look, there’s paint on the ceiling. Oh hey there’s paint in this cereal. Moka, you weren’t green before?”

I do make sure to SCRAPE away any paint that blocks my title…

It’s the darndest thing, I never have to tell anyone who I am, in fact, most individuals I meet for the first time ever, they TELL ME WHO I AM!

Friggin’ psychic abilities blow my mind! Rarely does anyone ever look down at my badge to notice all that hard work I put in to create a little window for my face to peer through and the title peeking out below.

Nope. They just already know me. I never ask but I’m always told exactly who I am… even if I don’t know! They know!

It’s pretty cool though to see that each badge in time becomes its own work of art

through my Work….OF ART! 😂 #punny

#ilovemyjob #recovery #arttherapy

P.S. I always look back at posts like this and laugh at myself like today I’m sitting here thinking, “Resa, you have unseen artwork you could’ve shared but you shared a BADGE HOLDER and wrote a book about it?!! Lawd.”

***addendum***

Disclaimer: I began writing the remainder of this as an attempt at a “title” for the above post…. and it kind of went out of control-

So yeah, no idea what all ramblings and rabbit holes I journeyed down but I know it was without the generally acceptable level of filter that a good night of sleep allows me to naturally own- calm, cool, polite-ish in my own weirdo awkward way—

Buyout sleepless Resa turns into an angry profanity slinging and yelling deep philosopher of words and the creation of language and the barriers and strengths— blah blah u get it, I’m sure I dive into a little of a lot: so that will be the title of this I suppose. Seems right. Here’s the rest:

Don’t miss out on seeing the MAGIC.

Most people hear and don’t explore or judge without experience…

They scream with the rest of the world about ORIGINALITY as they step into the line with the other robots, all waiting to be wound up again,….

Each pointing out at the so few and far between who they never realize, in their FOCUS IN on the “outcast” to their haze tinted goggles was DRAWN TO that something DIFFERENT because it’s worth focusing on, it’s rare- it’s BEAUTIFUL, and there is not another the same.

We are the ones that are QUITE OFTEN noticed and pointed out by others,… Most times to verbalize something that makes them feel less uncomfortable,…

We are the ones that are seen when the rest of the world needs to justify why they keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The kids that the world kicks rocks at, and, speaking for myself, really don’t mind. I think to myself, “Damn, they are scuffing up those nice shoes and getting dirty by the cloud that falls back like a shadow to the rock kicking show.”

And of course I don’t mean actual rocks- if someone is actually physically assaulting you, go fucking stand up with assertion with your rights- and if you try to solve it behind the scenes and you’re continuously assaulted, report that shit. Seriously, your safety is priority.

My rock-kicking is a metaphor,… and the cloud of dust that falls back to settle back down upon those kicking rocks is to me like seeing what they are too blinded and closed off to be capable of the SIGHT,…

And as I watch this cloud of filth like powder distort the colors in the wind before settling back onto those whose cough they are told is a primal alpha earned victory urge that they get from a victory.

We,… are the ones who stare wide-eyed, which is most times misconstrued and further encourages the choking to death “champion,” yet we just hold onto what we know, our truths, and understand that these are treasures we are able to dance around in constantly, that very few can see.

Most point out the reaction— which is the person and what they’re doing—

Rarely do they get excited or eager to understand WHAT or WHY that initiates that reaction.

Maybe even you, now, are experiencing that sense of “snap back!” to the NOW in reading something in this, and maybe your mind is right here whereas before it automatically honed in on what society has tranced most with, a focus primarily against a brother or sister for the difference they hold that you lack, instead of COMING BACK TO RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW and what’s happening around US… around YOU… and turn inward to an understanding rather than chastising your brother/sister who is the same as you, in that you both feel something and you both respond to that personal experience.

I think it’s magnificent and mind blowing to watch others- the “Goggle Wearers” I’ll call them, that even with those hazy self-limitation viewpoint, they are DRAWN TO the beauty of something that isn’t like all of the rest. So again, silently we watch them and we feel for them because deep down we wish they could experience life, as who they are, and we want them to be able to see and feel these magnificent things!!

And know that nothing they say is relevant, kind of like if I called you a “Rusty old soda can with poppy carbonation!” You’d look at me like “what the serious fuck?” And realize that none of that is relevant, true, or makes sense, to the point that there are no words that you could say to me to help in any way. So you just stare wide-eyed and really don’t care what I say about your dumbfounded facial response… because truly, I am the reason for your facial reaction, true, but I’m obviously in more need of that imaginary “victory” point or whatever I think I’m leveling up with, because it’s not worth trying to share the excitement of a scavenger hunt with someone if you are unable to convince them to go outside with you and you get stuck there—

“No! Get away! Outside is hot and stupid and gross— and you’re weird,…”

You seriously think you’re gonna get them to even get past the WHAT? Nope,…. they have zero desire to want to SEE.

And they will continue to *Stop* at the first WHAT and that’s it- that’s all they are willing to acknowledge because they KNOW IT IS REAL.

Well yes, fucktard, we never said it wasn’t real.

When you/they are curious enough to want to find something different, they’ll only then be willing to move outside of what they already have tackled to the point that they are running it into the ground with the repetition- and can recite and argue with anyone… that’s impressive for anyone with any knowledge to that degree! For real!

But why think that everyone is trying to attack you or say you’re wrong?

Relax, puddin’, first off I’m blown away by your extensive knowledge and would love to pick that beautiful brain,…

If you would like to see what others experienced and their strengths and impressive knowledge come explore with me with intent to embrace what someone outside of me has to offer me- they know something I don’t, I wonder what they can teach me so I could better my own person.

And if you cannot listen with ears of curiosity and admiration for another brother/sister being open to sharing his/her truths with you, and you instead would rather argue against what isn’t yours and disrespect the honor you were given to be a part of embracing another soul as their genuine and true self, you shouldn’t wander with me then, not just yet.

Arguing with somebody about THEIR TRUTH being “wrong” is like me fighting with you because I know seafood is the greatest genre of food that exists and you don’t eat it so I’m gonna start a fight without even understanding your reason or admiring how spectacular it is how different our taste buds are with each of us individually, and how WOW, I’d totally gag if I ate black olives, HOW DO YOU DO THAT? with amazement and admiration, as we should see one another, instead of showing all of the world how big of a prideful dumbass we are to not take advantage of each TREASURE we encounter and possibly could explore to see if we could offer more of ourselves by taking a piece, or gaining understanding of ourselves even still if we refuse, knowing that we are stronger through understanding how this rare flower will flourish elsewhere but in our garden it will poison our soul.

And thank the gardener for sharing his secrets feeling honored to have been chosen to receive them… finding humility and gratitude in the opportunity to try- and walking away with an appreciation for differences thinking “How cool the ecosystems are so different but both work in their best way!” His garden is so spectacular!

So there is a MAGIC,…. but seriously what do you think ANYBODY is gonna say to you if you try and share this with them if they didn’t ask….

Rather we find one another by the fact that we can let down that “veil” that some still sport merely because they’re trying to avoid being pointed out and become another wasted focus onto what hinders us as a society instead of the latter.

Then there are those who just don’t mind at all what others decide to focus their time and attention on, because that’s their worlds,…

I am one of these ‘strange ones’

I’m the gossip for not looking like the rest or not having the right cover for my nakedness that is sought after for whatever reason… I am the girl who doesn’t mind the chatter of idle minds with a hope that they find solace in the tiresome journey and circle they walk exhausted but trying to prove gad-knows-what by Being Most Miserable??

See, it’s not until you are eager and desire to explore that you’ll find what you’re searching for, and if you are unsure, then maybe your search initially is to find an open eagerness and excitement to celebrate someone else’s Truths in hopes of understanding more about what you never knew, and taking the pieces that you can use and apply in your daily routine that will make you the Beat You.

Starts with finding an excitement in knowing that there is never a person you will meet that will not know something you do not. What can you learn from each encounter?

Will I find a way to better me and gain from this experience or will I let it just pass right on by as just the same ole thing.

If you don’t hear anything in all this rambling, hear this:

NO EXPERIENCE YOU WILL EVER HAVE FROM THIS MOMENT UNTIL THE DAY YOU BECOME THE EARTH AND LEAVE THIS LIFE… I hope you NEVER THINK THAT SOMETHING IS EXACTLY THE SAME, Or that you will have PLENTY MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE/DO/GO… BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU WALK DOWN THE SAME PATH AS YESTERDAY, IT WILL NEVER EXIST AS IT WAS AND DID IN THAT MOMENT WITH THOSE EXPERIENCES TO OFFER, NEVER.

THIS OPPORTUNITY, Right now, right here, with who you are, as you are, as this moment exists right now, what will you choose to find in what we often see as “mundane” and we miss so many opportunities by forgetting that there those opportunities go away off into the wind, untraceable because they were never looked for, nor found/seen,

YOU WILL NEVER BE EXACTLY THE PERSON YOU ARE IN THIS VERY MOMENT, with THIS EXPERIENCE AND WHAT SURROUNDS YOU, because we think it’s the same, but why aren’t we MIND BLOWN by realizing HOW MANY BILLIONS OF THINGS CHANGED and how we only allow ourselves to see what is familiar and set,… EXPLORE instead.

What in this moment have I not given my focus to, and why is this something I look past? What’s something that has been here and maybe I have seen it, but I truly never REALLY SAW it, and all it holds and has to offer to me. The beauty.

The way the wind combs each individual blade of grass, and they dance around, each its own individual leaf existing as a string and powerful force when with the rest, and every blade dances as silly as a leaf can dance, and nobody “sees.”

Or nobody wants to…. that blade of grass that seems to tiny and insignificant is INCREDIBLE and it’s own world in itself… but everyone’s too busy believing that the REAL LIFE is “living in the real world.”

Which most don’t do…. they exist. I have to constantly call myself on my own shit. Cause I do it too, friends, I snap myself back out of existing and into living.

Society again seems to know all the “rights” 🙄 We =Dumb because half the time we listen. Why the fuck does that make it right for ME?

It doesn’t. And I’m good with that and being different. I’d rather NOT be uncomfortable and blended into the luke-warm community pool of approval when I prefer to go exploring in rivers and lakes?

Life is more than “education, working, eloping, reproducing, and dying” alone… nor do all these things need to exist to create in you that sought after thirst for fulfillment.

Stop fucking hiking in the desert towards the sun without protection because even though your skin is blistering and you don’t understand why you’re going this way-it’s not the place you want to go… yet still trudging along destroying pieces of your health because others do it and say it’s What To Do…. and you will continue to stumble forward in the blistering sand with your thirst that will eventually be your demise, unwilling to turn away from the sun for your own self-sufficiency and needs/desires… miserable and uncomfortable with every step you take with dread and heartache and a lost sense of self feeling like you’re searching aimlessly,

But really, that’s just easier to admit— that you’re the hero and the martyr too, sacrificing your mind, body, spirit, life for “(Insert Acceptable Societal Reason)… How noble. Finding that perhaps finding a sense of pride in sharing your heroic sacrifice and this being the reason you had to give up a hope for (INSERT LOST MOST DESIRED PART OF SELF/LIFE HERE). You never found (BLANK) because you had to (BLANK).

Justify it however you need to,… it matters not, because you see, your story or reason might change in time, but you’re the one still trudging toward the sun against the direction that the earth is moving you towards with ease,… you’re unwilling to allow yourself to FIND YOU in your journey, and you will miss every sign that you’re faced the wrong direction because you’re unwilling g to turn around because you think it’s “NOBLE” ….

This isn’t a movie, cat.

There is no bowing off stage, the audience isn’t going to matter in the end.

The steps and the decisions and what was taken/left behind,…. THOSE THINGS will shape what the journey may/may not turn into…. and each step is one less step that you have left to leave your print.

What will be left?

What will you take with you through life and how will you challenge and better yourself each day? Or will you at all?

What’s the point?

Seems like work.

Yeah, yeah, I got s fuck ton of empty excuses too but am I willing to gamble away the possibility to grow and better me because of no other good reason but boiling down to I’m a fucking lazy blob who wants to not do anything and then whine about it later.

So I got WAY alll over the world writing there, when really I just intended to repost the accidental NOVEL post I put up in my Facebook status- I always am amazed by how much pours out in a wave of unseen inspiration and soul-searching and poetic exploring of my own thoughts…

That’s what happened.

But it was so simple but so big too… just need to share it here too.

Don’t be afraid to stand alone, that’s when you are noticed, which is GOOD, despite the way the world has been programmed and brainwashed to cast aside each other’s beauty and stength and our power as a whole, who together could accomplish anything, but never will be seen, because there are too many of us, and a LOT stuck in “our world.”

Wake up man,

We all live here.

Let’s have a Barbecue and laugh at how I could learn a lot from simply existing right there

THE OUTCASTS, we hide in plain sight mostly, and we live our lives as who we are, HEARING THE MUSIC that we dance along to, but judged by the masses with the earplugs that they “should” wear because otherwise they’re not acceptable—

Pish posh.

You will point and laugh at me til you’re blue in the face because I stand against the rest, a different direction, and I’m labeled and judged but rarely questioned with true curiosity to understand WHY.

I face toward the open meadows with the wind acting as a propellor for my easier journey pushed forward with less effort and more ease, heading to the shaded fruit trees and oasis that rarely gets used. I see where I’m headed and I understand why,

You see I’m not facing your way,

And dismiss and dissociate-

You are the Beautiful One.

Beauty is a rare gift that is mislabeled and painted to be something it isn’t.

Beauty is something you’ve not seen before that’s attractive. You are drawn to beauty.

Are others drawn to you? If yes, is it because you are presenting to be something you’ve never been nor will be ( hell you don’t even want to be that if we are being honest)?

Or are they drawn into that energy, attractive, aromatic, desired, peaceful, & light— because you allow yourself to exist as the person you were born to be: YOU.

And you only need one person’s permission, which is You…. You must give yourself permission to exist as the vulnerable and raw beautiful treasure that you’re painting bronze because you are told that’s prettiest. WHAT IS PRETTIEST? YOU AND ONLY YOU KNOW YOUR ANSWER.

STOP LYING TO YOURSELF PRETENDING YOU’RE SOMETHING THAT IS WHAT OTHERS ACCEPT BUT YOU ARE UNHAPPY AND UNCOMFORTABLE DESPITE BEING A CONVINCIBLE DECEIVING ACTOR. YOU WILL NEVER FIND THOSE PEOPLR, YOUR PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO BE YOU. Only then will they naturally gravitate toward that energy that matches their own, and find those common quirks.

Can’t expect to magically be surrounded by marine life creatures if I’m dressed up as a mountain lion far away from the sea.

BE YOUR BEAUTIFUL. There’s only ONE.

You sure would be doing the world a huge injustice by never showing that truth and beauty in its real raw and willing to be vulnerable form.

The world gets only one of YOU.

It’s pretty fucked up to try and make the only copy known to mankind of the only book that’s never been shared, into a copy of something everyone already knows.

That book might change the world.

Or at least change someone’s world.

Which is the world if we’re sitting alongside on their side of the fence.

BE YOU.

There’s only one chance you get to try.

Don’t miss out on finding your value.

You hold the keys and you make the calls.

Or let yourself scare away an idea that is the most sense making logical reality you can be faced with, which is also the answer to finding that serenity within. Letting go of what others say/think/do/feel,… that’s their shit… and they’re entitled to own it, not you.

Who are you?

Not what others say you are- but who are you really? Without anyone around to impress?

That Phew! Relief of taking off that heavy shield and armor and mask you wear outside— and you’re lighter and at peace within.

You own that.

Access it when/if you want to at any point.

Or keep on trying not to drown in a world full of people who all are clawing each other down further into the thrashing sea – every body sharing that same desire to feel loved yet continue to drown because shame is more important than survival and strength in health. And they go out thrashing against the waters they were told they were destined to float in. They never floated here, the water didn’t compliment the way they existed, and instead of that buoy he was told he should be in that sea he didn’t belong in, he was an anchor in that and watching you’d never see each moment he “floated” he thrashed closer to his demise.

I’m sure it was a good show though.

Wake Up, before you don’t get that opportunity either.

Dive in.

Live Your Life….

But Live it For YOU.