Do you FEEL it?

      [̲̅E̲̅][̲̅m̲̅][̲̅o̲̅][̲̅t̲̅][̲̅i̲̅][̲̅o̲̅][̲̅n̲̅]

                                         Eɱ૦੮ɿ૦Ո
 Eм◊⊥Î◊η

                                                                                                                                                                               emotion

Such a fascinating word with so much to hold….  It can be an obvious thing at times,
Hidden but discoverable other times….
Difficult to interpret in it’s remainders….


and of course times we don’t even realize it’s there at all… invisible to us in those moments….  

That symbolism above with the indentations and variations is pretty significant, (if you for some reason didn’t catch the correlation,….Well, I’m blatantly saying it’s there….. and am telling you now:  I wrote it like that intentionally- I know I know you already caught on….. I just want to make sure if someone didn’t, that at least they’ll search now… I suppose I did that subconsciously for a fellow-artsy eye to wander upon and appreciate, I

But I mean, it’s kinda bad-ass, right?
               In the most nerdy way possible….a lame dull sort of bad-assery?
Painfully square?
Add whatever prefix to the beginning that you need,..
And still it was bad-ass nonetheless…. in some petty way perhaps–
No matter to me—- It still exists. 🙂
                                          I’ll take it as a win in my own brain… for my ego’s sake? HA!

 

So i had this really cool idea and I wanted to record it before A) my phone dies, B) I forget about it, or C) I get distracted and/or abandon it entirely.  All of these things are very possible.  I record this on my voice memos while my phone is at 7%. And I don’t know where my charger is so I don’t have a whole lot of time to get these ideas down.

But I got home today– I had a pretty rough day,.. I think probably a lot of that was contributed to the fact that I didn’t sleep well.  I was up in my head emotionally, mentally, last night again, … likely triggered from both situation and circumstance at hand, but also the fact that I didn’t sleep– I hadn’t slept…I couldn’t sleep…  So I know that my emotions go to the extreme when I’m exhausted like that….. so there’s that…..self-awareness…

My idea…. I was already emotional and had a bad day:  Does that mean the day was really bad?  No….I just was so tired and exhausted and emotionally drained and frustrated that all I could allow myself to do was not look at the good.  I’m usually very good at finding all the good in any situation, and that’s what I’m doing now, is looking in retrospect and finding that, because today was just one of those days where I knew I could, but I really didn’t want to.  I wanted to sit for a little while in my little pity puddle and splash around and think “poor pitful me- the world’s against me… no one hears me… I don’t matter”– you know the usual pity stuff that is always an exaggeration and not true and we all do it, whether you want to admit to that or not, every single one of us is guilty .  It’s just for me, over the years in my profession I’ve lost the pride and want to call myself out on my bullshit… so there I go.

On my journey home from work I made myself grumpy about having to go by the store because Mok was out of dogfood, …I made myself grumpy about how I had to spend money that I don’t have and how I’d overdraft… I was just looking for nit-picky little things.  I made myself grumpy because a person wasn’t responding to any of my messages and told me one thing and I find out they did another…. and that has nothing to do with me and I know better than that.

So it goes back to I’m tired, pissy, and I wanted to find the bad….so guess what? I found a whole hell-of-a lot of bad today.

My idea when I got home, I had the usual struggle in my brain that I often have every time I’m in this situation:
As a therapist I know I need to cope and deal with my frustrations and negative emotions and to get these things out so that they don’t linger on and they don’t fester anymore and they have a place to go, outside of me…
and I get home, and like always I argue with myself on whether I want to draw or whether I want to write, which do I need? Which do I want? and I go back and forth like that bantering in my head all the time …. and usually I never accomplish anything…Usually I start one thing, abandon it, and move on…. and that’s exactly what I found myself doing. ….with India Ink and a blank notebook I’d not yet opened from Christmas…
what started as random doodles to distract my mind…. IMG_1859.jpg

 

then turned into “I bet I can splatter-paint with India Ink, I”ve never tried–that could be cool…” IMG_1860.jpg

and then it turned into, “Wow, I bet this would look really cool too if it were less intense….” IMG_1861.jpg

and about that time I had realized I’d coated my entire counter top in India Ink splatters, and everything on it too… so if it was in the way, which if you know me, you know Everything Is In The Way… so it all has black spots of splatter….
It doesn’t bother me so much as it does others… I mean come on, I’m daily covered head-to-toe in paint…. no exaggeration.  I literally wear the same outfit every day to work because I ruined every “professional looking” outfit I had when I moved into doing Art therapy full-time. I’m just the messy painter who doesn’t really mind what the world sees in that.  I am me.  

As I see this mess, at this point I decide I’m going to take a trip to the vape shop…. I justified it with “what the hell, why not?” attitude seeing how I already spent money I don’t have, and it will make me feel better, I’m going to go ahead and go, …I’m out of stuff, ….. even though I know this is all in my head and realistically likely terrible for me….

Regardless, I loaded up my dog, and drove over to the vape store…. on the drive over there to the store I reflected back on the India Ink…. and on the way over I thought, “How cool would it be to get a tattoo… my next tattoo being splatter…India Ink splatter and like maybe a quill coming out of it, because that would represent both my writing and my art….”
The more I thought about it, the more bogus it became,… and I thought about instead of a quill making it a tree that turns into a quill, which then went into a stick, which is very symbolic for me because that is the first instrument that I used, because i was forced to in a college art course…. The class as an entirety was struggling with drawing hands,… so we were forced to grab a stick outside and draw our hand with India ink and a stick…. and this exercise showed me I was pretty good at this… I’m good at hands…what the hell was wrong before?  And this opened up a whole new perspective for me.
No, I don’t think us grabbing sticks had anything to do with it being easier,… I think our instructor was just a little wacky and wanted us to practice more and sent us out as a distraction and found a tool that wasn’t what we were supposed to use (i.e., a paintbrush) and forced us to prove to ourselves that there’s more than one way to use this ink.  There is no “right” way of doing it… we just gotta do it.  None of these things were said, of course,…. Hell, he may have just been stoned out of his mind for all I know… but I learned that day that Art can be created in whatever way— with whatever tools I prefer…. society can’t tell me what is the right or wrong way to create what I create.
On that day I drew the best hand I’d ever drawn and became fascinated and intrigued by the challenge of drawing hands, when once before I avoided and despised this.  I now enjoy the challenge of bending and changing the angles and learning more… I’m still loving doing this.

On the way, tattoo designs were on my mind…. and on the way back all of these intense emotions started to take over me again, and I got to thinking about drawing and art and in that moment I thought about how cool it would be to express words in Art…. like the actual word itself…
And then I started tossing around challenges for myself…. “If I were to write the word RAGE in art-form ….spell it out…R-A-G-E…… with a goal of representing feeling that word because of the way it’s illustrated, what would that look like?  What would jealousy look like? How about depression?”
I got really excited about this idea… I know others have done this before with different fonts and representation….but I have never done it before…. it’s going to look like something very different for me because they are my emotions I’m feeling….  I don’t want to reference anything.  I want to find how it feels inside me and to show that through how the word is expressed or illustrated, if that makes any sense.

So that’s where I’m at right now…. and I’ve already gotten a little bit un-motivated, because I haven’t started it… if I’m being completely honest, … but I knew that I’d never write this at all and I’d abandon anything and everything, and I’d be back at square one … I’m holding myself accountable…..

Know that this journal entry started as a voice memo, on my phone….that is dying… at 6:55 PM on a Monday evening.  My goal or excitement is to take pictures to show you piece by piece what I was talking about as far as what I’ve already done, what I’ve abandoned, and where I go with this word idea….

So that’s that…… I don’t really have anything else to say…

I just like this idea as an experiment.

Yep….there ya go.  Happy Monday, guys.

*—((end of voice recording))—*

img_1862

img_1863.jpgimg_1864

(hopefully you can read my hand-written journaling that I wound up doing beneath each illustration…. pretty cool to find words to reflect what feelings and visual image combination I was experiencing/saw)  Overall, very cool challenge as a therapist, artist, and writer all combined into one.  Hip-Hip-Horrah! To be uncomfortable is how we grow.  I recite this to myself daily as a reminder to push myself out of my comfort zones and become all I can be— it isn’t possible to find out the “what if’s” of who I might become if I stand in the same places, doing the same things, and being around the same people and things I already know.

I’m not okay with complacency or settling,

        So Life,
you say uneasiness and fear of unknowns….

Beg your pardon, but all I seemed to hear was the word “Opportunity”? …….is this accurate?

          Actually, I’m certain I know what I heard,… so don’t waste your breath repeating all that jibberish I only need the actual point…

You can fluff it up and word it however is fit,… to allow the fear and self-doubt time to seep in and marinate….

that always made it all the more satisfying and the best flavored in the end anyway…

I won’t let you knock me down–

                         because even if I’m on the ground at times…. I’ll be looking for a chance to find gratitude in the opportunity to see it all from that new and very different perspective.  It’ll be a great experience, no matter what you try to throw my way…
There are no obstacles, unless of course I allow them to be there… and believe they are barriers….
Everyone who’s anyone already knows these are stepping stones, though… thank-goodness for the chance to use them and experience a new way of reaching my destinations… better, stronger, more open-minded, and wiser all the same.

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Dear Life,

 

                                 

                          Game On!

 

 

                           Respectfully Yours,

                                       Resa

 

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