I usually can’t stop writing….
I ᑕᗩᑎ’T ᖴIᑎᗪ TᕼE ᖇIGᕼT ᗯOᖇᗪᔕ Oᖇ ᗯᕼEᖇE TO ᔕTᗩᖇT
Nothing– that’s what my journal reflection would be–
I know myself well enough unfortunately to understand that it’s not going to truly go away if I don’t figure out how to allow it to surface.
And I really don’t even know how to explain how I’m feeling, because I can’t put a label on what’s going on. Normally I’m overflowing with witty analogies and a feisty drive and can’t get enough of spilling it onto blank pages….
I feel nothing right now in my heart.
And here I am now, without notion of where to begin,
TOᗪᗩY I ᔕTᗩᖇE ᗷᒪᗩᑎKᒪY ᗩT TᕼE ᔕᑭᗩᑕEᔕ
Somehow I find though,
And crazy it may be–
I have found words inside,
They just appear in melody.
This seems quite bizarre to me,
That only rhymes they seem to flow,
Pouring out like it’s no big deal,
But I can’t form a sentence though?
Oh my mind, I’ll never understand,
I’ve given up fully clearing that fence,
I’m just thankful I’ve found a way just now,
To make some words of sense.
I guess at times it’s all right, to not be okay,
I’m just so used to pulling through,
As you can imagine then why I felt so surprised,
To find a moment there was nothing I could do.
I feel sometimes, I want to be alone,
Other times all I want is you…
Lately our times have been colliding though,
I don’t think you still see me as new..
I wonder if you’re complacent now,
I truly question, in your life what’s my role…
Am I a space to fill a or to void out another…
I really thought I understood a time ago.
I don’t think maybe you appreciate
or see all of the things I give to you…
Sacrifices I make internal and all,
These are nothing I feel need to voice or to prove.
So just as you hide behind this show,
Who do you really want to choose to be always though…?
Do you dress the part each day as something new,
Just to pretend to be the way that others want you to?
In the wings of the theater alert and on cue,
I’ll do the lights, stage work, be the background for you…
Because you are the show and all come to know more,
To take up a journey and with you explore…
Never knowing where they’re going,
Often willingly blinded but trusting in you,
There’s nothing they’d not give up
To see the destination out and follow-through…
I take in each breathtaking moment you are,
I watch you transform the crowd after crowd near or far…
I listen to you share stories others share too–
About how they’d never be here without you…
I absorb when I’m told how much I transformed,
The life of another, a baby allowed to be born….
Mothers, and brothers, and sisters and friends…
Their journeys are great journeys as long as no end….
They get tangled and twisted and backtrack their steps,
Confused, questioned quitters, but they get up again,
I watch as a stage hand knowing I cannot jump back on set,
I just want to save them–No, they’ll remember, or else they’ll always forget.
I must quietly wait here and hope they don’t fall,
And if they happen to trip, I hope they get up and stand tall….
I will stand here backstage still, for as long as can be…
They forget but still know to just ask what they need.
Just like you, my darling, you stubborn rarity gem…
I have always been back here, your lover and friend,
Little things I do always, you once saw them all–
Perhaps now expected? Routine? Nearing end?
You’ve been searching for so long,
Trying to find what you need…
You must figure it out now,
I’d take your hand where you’d lead…
Somehow I don’t think you want that though,
And you’d let go to forget to hold back tight…
I’d then wander and explore,
No worries, I’ll be all right…
I’ll find my way back out,
Or maybe just go further within…
At that point there’d be no destination,
And I’d have lost a lover and best friend….
I’d journey on regardless,…
After being sure to mourn that love so true,
And I’d recall that wall I built years ago,
Remembering how no pain could get through…
And I’d probably let myself feel what I had hoped was real…
I’d mourn the loss of what I believed once would be a forever…
I’ll replay the good times, and weep like a babe,
I’d absorb all my scenery, and remember how clever…
Then I’d get up to my feet again,
In search of new light for energy…
I’d laugh at myself for doing it again,
After swearing it’s what I’d never do.
As I shake my own head at letting down all my guard….
I’d remember how convincing, and how sincere you showed me you were—
My secrets stayed safe, this part was always your truth….
But the reasons for digging, & true intentions I’m not sure…
I know what you told me, and how you promised me so much,
I for the first time in years willingly let you be my crutch…
I showed you my fortress and let you wander about,
You were present and told me to trust as you’d touch-
And so I watched- I detached, , wondering why I let you do so,
I tried to run somewhere, but there was no where now to go,
Frozen, watching you gently but fiercely damage my one safe thing,
Subtle but obvious weakening with every boulder that you’d swing.
Terrified and lost now, I couldn’t hide where I knew to go,
You’d now seen my one fortress– and the entrance you know!
I often tried sneaking back in to repair,
You’d somehow sneak past though, as I’d watch in despair….
So here I am walking now,
Alone, your memory a ghost haunting me—
I figure I’m a wanderer by heart, so I shall,
No destination, just end up where I’ll be.
As I find smooth stones, I leave that only path,
And I pocket those most weathered–and strongest of all…
Each is pretty, small, overlooked as no threat,
Don’t be fooled, all together they’d make an impenetrable wall.
In solitude see, we often seem like not much at all,
Our voice often drowned out, not seen much, not tall….
Blending then into the background noise, we find just what we need…
Each other and in time a perfect family, sharing our one creed…
And no one notices us here, when standing on our own,
When gathered still aren’t seen, assumed all individuals together but alone.
What’s hiding in plain sight we know, is that we are not strangers like you’d think,
Hidden in plain sight, but never seen, as the strong, united family of our own.
And we don’t have to be seen , no, it’s better to not,
Those that matter know we’re here, in case you forgot…
We will always stand nearby to be there if a need…
Until then, my brother, my sister, my creed….
Perhaps these stones I’ve collected are for more than just me,…
I’ll willingly let in each of what I now call my family…
We can build a wall together, the strongest in the land–
And use it as a fortress if the need shall comprehend.
Protecting still, but now different…. I’ll build a wall up still, it’s true….
But I’m thinking I won’t be alone for long, I know what I’ll do…..
I’ll share the access, and give you a place to belong–
and you’ll find what you need right here too.
And in secret I’ll have built back my wall again,…
Symbolic perhaps to never live up to it’s original plan,
All I know is right now I’ll have a new found family,
And all the pieces will fall in place somehow.
I’m not worried about anyone knocking it down,
As each will know the wall is what’s given and true.
It now offers a place to fellowship as one,
A new home, a shelter, and family too.
A life of hardship smoothed out to shape every one.
The strongest wall created with each chosen collected….
Individually seem really like nothing worthwhile,
But impossible to miss the mighty strength and power, once connected.
I stop again, once, as you pop in my head,
I hope you finally saw what was waiting for you,
You’d always panicked about how to do it, all new…
You’d share your worries of not finding all that you need in the end,
And that you’d never have it all together, packaged and tied up in twine.
You maybe will notice now that I”m not around,
That I already did it all, subtly mentioned to you,
who never chose to turn on and tune in to all you’d do…
I think the time draws near that you’ll remember this need,
I smile thinking of you cursing what was forgotten back then,
I bet I cross your mind, maybe just briefly, and you’re missing your friend,….
I’ll stick around in your mind now, whether you intended me to,
You’ll wonder what I said that time, and brief regret of not giving that tune….
You’d never tuned into what was said and informed,
I know I told you everything, every item, location, and form….
You’re probably tearing the house apart now, about to give in…
You’ll get more pissed off when you realize your rent’s due again….
But rather than take care of what you know is key,
You’ll be living in the past and full of apathy….
I’m just sending you telepathic replaying that day,
maybe you’ll hear them now?
My words I am sending in thoughts to you now,
They’re simple, they’re easy, and instructions of something you know how to do,…
So you’ll either listen and take my advice for this day,
Or abandon thinking,…”No time, irrelevant, and dumb too…”
I’d like to think you’ll choose the second choice,
Assuming your way, which is unknown, is what you’ll do….
You always found reason to toss aside my words,
And to justify and make it all about you.
Silly man, I really want what’s best for you,
I’d not tell you something without an intent,
But I’l let you assume I’d share known and useless advice,
You can curse me with whatever words you’d like too.
If only you’d realize I always gave all you’d need,
Maybe you’d then have recognized all that I do,
You’d also have paid that rent, which was my solemn advice,
and found what you’d been needing this whole time was with you,….
You see, before you left me alone abandoned and lost,
with no intent to ever return,…
You just assumed I was blinded and too dumb to have known,
But my dear there’s so much you’d been offered but chose to not learn….
Every key that you asked for doll,….
And every treasure you’d sought in your heart….
I’d sought out myself and unearthed each for you,…
Divulging each one’s secret and where you should start….
You assume I don’t know when you’d pretended to hear,
You nod, agree, and are actually elsewhere in your mind,…
I thought, “One day this will matter, not to me, but him,
and he has no idea he just tuned out himself and all desired to find…”,
I wonder if he’s seeking out these treasures still,
Exhausting places, resources, and all other attempts or tries…
He’ll never know that his treasures are already found,
Each placed beneath his very roof, and every specific location each lies.
You tore down my walls long ago with request,…
That I trust you, believe you, that you say you want my best…
Said you’d always listen, absorb, and want to know more of me,
You’d reflect and recite back things, this made me believe.
If only those promises were true pacts and would remain forever,
You’d have then know the secret way to put out the fire,…
You never noticed you solely are the source of the flame,
Just assumed you were not wasting energy on hearing me that day…
You thought that I don’t notice when you’re present but far away,…
I’ve gotten used to having you physically there, but know you didn’t stay…
Sometimes I will say my words were about just me inside,
They were things that you’d find now irrelevant, but things I didn’t want to hide,
I wound up burying them anyway,
After being unearthed and offered as a shared treasure,
Carefully laid out, plain sight, but to your eyes stayed hidden,
No care found in even looking up just to see what I value most without measure…
And that choice is made in one very rare moment when I pick a rare gem,
and that rare person is given one chance at my key to discover….
I let them see what I don’t show the rest of the world,
They don’t know this chance is one of a kind, and they’ll never get another…
I provide a peek of what is true and most treasured,
I learn in an instant, who is a passerby and who is not leaving now,
Those who question and prod more truly desire to know more,
Can learn the secret to every key I hold, just merely have to ask how..
Still some will prod about and take to fill needs,
They’ll give up assuming there’s nothing left but the weeds,
There are very few individuals, who stay the whole time,
I don’t have to tell them exactly what they’ll find,…
See they never stop looking, and so they already know,
A weed is either a despised intruder, or it’s a beauty found, depends what you see…
Those still hanging out in my secret garden of life,
They choose decide exactly what to find….
Each knows the secret to discovering all of your needs,
Is to charge into each day without the blinders but with seeds,
Taking ownership for all actions, thoughts, feelings inside,
Will you see a beauty and life through this flower, or cast it aside as a weed?
I hope you remember to remember what you have,
I hope you see exactly what is offered out in share,
You have people in your life that are one-of-a-kind,
Make sure to keep them around & show you care.
Never take for granted those who are special to you,
Who knows if you’ll get to see them again in the day,
Hold them tight each reunion, as this is your gift,
Here and now is all we have- embrace all with high hope it can stay.
And even if there’s something that has to move on,
You’ll feel a sense of wholeness inside still,
Because you’ll know you gave every bit of your love,
So that there’ll never be any doubt just how real.
We find what we look for, and this is truly our choice,
Will we look for the good, or listen to the negative voice,
Will we seek out opportunities for growth of our self,
Or cast aside each moment to throw on the shelf?
One life we are living,
And one day it does end,
If that day is today is that okay?
What sort of day would your last be, my friend?