Come @ me bruh

@Reso22 Twitter

I’ve always wanted to create a collection of my past tweets from my Twitter account.  I don’t know how far I’ll get on this but why not?  Please enjoy a random variety collection of my personal tweets from the past that still make me laugh every time. Enjoy!

✱ Headed to the grocery store to face time with my dad in the meat section lol

✱ My dad bought me a card yesterday. I think that’s the 1st time that’s ever happened. He didn’t sign it or anything but that’s not the point.

✱ That lady had on enough perfume to kill a rat (or any other small mammal of choice).

✱A random old white man at the gas station just told me if I took his tamales he’d be after me like a coon dog…& then he howled at me. Uhh?

✱”Did you just fart?” -Cammy “No, but you just spit in my face.” -Resa

✱Leah: did you fart?
Resa: no, I haven’t bathed today.
Leah: are you saying you smell like a fart?
Resa: yeah, I guess maybe I am.

✱”It’s like we’re going over a mountain… With a banjo.” –

✱Sometimes I forget to blink & wonder later why my eyes hurt so bad.

✱Yeah, he walked right into my fart.

✱ Lady at Taco Bell: “we’ll see mam I was confused because I’ve never heard of a chicken      soft taco.”
Me: “Are you serious?”

✱I shaved off part of my eyebrow this morning by accident. Lol

✱I’ve never understood the man code of having to strip completely nude to take a dump.

✱How you gonna ask me a question and then turn on a blender?

✱”It’s like someone’s hitting the emergency dump button in my stomach. ” -Tyler Bilbo

✱”Mississippi drivers in the back seat don’t have to wear their seatbelt.” -colleague.
Me: “………that sentence made no sense.”

✱Well I got to ride in the car with an attractive guy for 6 hours today!

✱”Ms Resa you look different – did you brush your hair?”

✱Well I almost ran into a cute guys face with my face.

✱Note to self: salami gives me belly aches.

✱I always laugh when I see a porta-potties being transported on the road. I’m not sure why.

✱So I accidentally just spit water all over a client.

✱I need to go jog but would rather go home & eat burritos.

Me: “does this look okay for work?”
Roommate: “if you’re going to work in a Mexican restaurant.”

✱I almost picked up a hitch hiker on my way home from Cleveland tonight…. But then I remembered I might get murdered.

✱I just found like 5 pair of shoes in my vehicle buried under junk! Horrah!

✱Why you gotta have a candle that smells like a cupcake? Now I want to eat your bathroom.

✱Totally just yelled at a baby gate.

✱I don’t think your truck is supposed to sound like an airplane.

✱ “Where’d you get that banana?”
“The hotel.”
“They have bananas?”
“I just went in and grabbed it.”
“You stole a banana from the hotel?”

✱Jesus toast.

✱”I just found an onion in my mouth and chewed it up.” –

✱”Will you run by the store & pick up a box of twinkies? It’s the only way my dog will take his medicine.”

✱”Sorry mam she accidentally made a white mocha but is doing yours now, would you like this FREE COFFEE?” … is this a dream?