🅡🅤🅝🅝🅘🅝🅖 🅘🅝 🅒🅘🅡🅒🅛🅔🅢
And until you realize you’ve wasted all this time going around and around without any resolve or escape, and you will continue to do so if you continue to run that way, … then, maybe then you’ll think about stopping and realize how pointless all of that was.
This entry is me doing just that. The following entry is the resolve and a whole new thought process and purpose, so it made sense to create as it’s own post. Only in writing this ending “A-HA!” as my intro am I able to warn you of the insanity and bizarre things our minds do when trying to escape pain and discomfort. There are wonderful thoughts and amazing points made, don’t get me wrong, and unless this post existed as it does now, I’d never have realized or stopped going in that never-ending frustrating loop. So gratitude is what I find in this post, and strength and hope in seeing that I am capable of doing difficult things, and continuously calling out and confronting my own stuff will eventually pay off… now whether that be through a “I GOT IT, BY GEORGE!” or else driving myself completely bonkers and dizzy from so many circles,… as long as I get there, it doesn’t matter which one of these allowed for me to finally arrive, I’m just glad to finally be there.
Without further adieu:
Now here’s an update, I never know whether I’ll write this to just leave and eventually forget about entirely, if it’ll turn into some sort of snail-mail letter to a close friend, or if I’ll post it on my blog, for you, reading this now. One thing’s for certain, if you’re reading this, you know what my decision was ultimately,… if for some reason this is falling beneath your curious eye and being tossed around in your mind, truth me told, it’s either because it’s posted, or maybe somehow you’ve stumbled upon my personal things, perhaps searching and snooping, or maybe even possibly after I’m long gone from this earth and my belongings are scattered and tossed about—perhaps this will be unearthed one day by someone who is curious enough to find out what they’ve stumbled upon and whose is it?
That seemed like a really deep and pretty unnecessary leap into why you’re reading this now, and really, I cannot discover the answer to both scenarios, as I can only attest for this moment, and this life that is my own, for as long as I am given opportunity to live it.
Writers… sheesh…. So many words with so little actual substance. I wonder what a “summary” of my writings by someone in school would look like,…seriously? I bet it’d be pretty hilarious. I’m pretty curious to know what is the overall underlying purpose/statement(s) in each writing. Maybe one day I’ll go and do some bullet-points of them myself, but then again, it’s me, so come on guys, that’s highly unlikely.
Like I teach my clients in my art groups, “We are our own worst critics.” In those lessons I share, of course, I am referring to Art, but little do they know I also am a writer, and I feel confident in saying that most of us writers, if not all, can definitely agree on this too, as we are definitely our own worst critics in what we write, especially if we are writing with intent of an audience being involved in reading our own words.
This quote applies of course, far beyond writers and artists and into life on personal levels for each with their own interests, experiences, and actions, but I’ll let you dive into that rabbit hole on your own.
Goodness knows that I go way into my own rabbit holes when I write, and you likely know this well by now if you’ve read any of my blog entries or shared writing(s). I promise, it’s never intentional.
The cool part is that I know I do this, and even cooler still I have learned a why behind my inability to shake this deeply instilled way of writing that I have. I’m sure that there is much more beyond what I’ve uncovered in this, but I’m just grateful to understand myself enough to be able to unearth some of the mystery I buried. In this treasure self-discovery of mine, I never realize anything until either I trip in the half-dug hole I never realized I was digging, or sometimes even looking back and seeing, “Damn, where’d that big ass hole come from?”
I’m speaking as if of course, my diving into rabbit holes, or in a more clinical term this behavior: deflection.
It’s so simultaneously frustrating and fascinating to understand what I’m doing and can call myself out, all whilst still regularly engaging in the behavior without any ability to simply STOP,… believe me, I’ve tried.
A lot of that I’m sure has to do with my writing style and that I’ve discovered I learn best about ME through exploration of my own thoughts via journaling, and truth me told, I NEVER plan or decide what to write about or what to say before I begin writing.
Unless this is a paper that must be within guidelines and graded within such, you’ll not see me ever “prepare” for any writing. I often begin with a thought on my mind or an overall need to write in general, but I kid you not, you will never find me planning a blog entry or organizing and piecing together “the perfect post” because that’s just not who I am.
I am raw and strive to be my true authentic self no matter where I am, who I encounter, or what I’m doing,… and that’s not something I can do if I’m not willing to dive into the moment and my own thoughts without knowing what will surface, right?
So all of this jabbering on was to point out exactly what I did there, which is deflect, but also to open up the “thought” that led me to writing in the first place tonight…
You’re going to laugh at this, you ready?
I have to present at a conference to 300 people in a few months. I’ve not used powerpoint since I was forced to back in college/grad school, which was about a decade ago (no exaggeration, very close to 10 years).
Knowing what I just explained about myself and who I am, how I write/do/live/exist,….
Do you understand how DIFFICULT this is for me in the sense that they keep e-mailing me asking for my information to be submitted (now they’ve tacked on a deadline for this, which is by the way, before the end of the month), and within this information needed I must include my 3 objectives, specifically list each objective individually and include under each “Content: What will the attendee learn?” and if that’s not intimidating enough, it also asks for the time frame and my teaching strategies/resources for each objective.