Haha so my life is so random… I just was actually inspired to write after this epiphany and deep reflection of 2023, and I randomly lose for the first time in my entire life my MacBook charger. I eventually started first questioning my epiphany and wondering how and why attempting to find some profound lesson, then got angry at how insane and unfair this moment truly is,…

…. a MacBook charger isn’t something you “lose”it’s so large and bulky that it’s usually in the way and annoying. Plus it’s used daily and I routinely charge my watch and laptop religiously at night, it’s something you couldn’t lose if you tried. (Mac folks, you know exactly what I’m talking about).

Anyway so I am venting to my bestie and catch myself going from angry to quite amused when I read what I last wrote “IT’S LIKE LOSING A COUCH” i meant it so seriously in my venting. Now I’m amused it’s just hilarious and that sort of ties into my entire epiphany as proof in a way of my entire point and realization…. So let me attempt to share this typing it out on my phone, which is again, quite hilarious.

I think I can confidently say without any hesitation whatsoever that 2023 has been the hardest year I’ve lived in thus far as a being existing simultaneously with billions of other beings I will never even know, as we exist here simultaneously on this crazy spinning sphere floating around in an endless expansion beyond our knowledge of other spheres unknown number other endless spheres that we will never know exist either.

It’s insane to realize in the grand scheme of things, it’s perspective and my experience thus far existing that my most difficult year and what I know as difficult likely for someone else also simultaneously existing would list as their best year. Things seem so large, the world seems so big, and also it’s just so small in the grand scheme of things- and everything I think I know is distorted and based on my personal experience existing here with what I have lived or not lived and my morals and ideas alone. I’m like a grain of sand in all of the sand that exists above and below the shore, I think I know and can see, but I also haven’t ever been to the depths of all of the oceans either. My “problems” are nothing in comparison to what infinite unknowns actually exist and I’m ignorant to so much I’ll never even know in this lifetime.

I am truly lucky to even exist, that’s really an incredibly rare and lucky thing, seeing as how many odds were stacked against that in itself. If you look at my tragic comedy life story depending on your perspective you might say I’m the most unlucky individual seeing as I seem to have the most bizarre experiences just naturally exist. Just like my example earlier, my “normal” would be “crazy” to most people I know… but for me personally it’s all I know. I realize it’s not common to have things anywhere from having goats or a one-eyed-tame-wild-pig wander up at work…. Or have strangers do things like bark at you (yes literally like a dog) in a gas station making threats about tamales (still have no idea your best guess is better than mine), or being struck by lightening indoors somehow and living only to be electrocuted a second time in a different state by a lightening strike, yet again… my life is just so RANDOM.

2023 was just a lot, and I only assumed I had experiended or known “a lot” or that my life tends to have a wave of “misfortune” but this was no wave, this was a constant beat down every time I managed to stand or halfway get back up I’d be hit again and again and again.

I thought I knew or had experienced the worst and life continued to show me my ignorance. I was fortunate to have two opportunities to present at conferences, but the universe was determined I shouldn’t be prepared either time. When I’d try and focus or worry about it, something so much bigger would almost destroy me and show me presenting was the smallest concern or worry for me. First time I attempted to get contacts like a responsible adult before I went so I would not be relying on my last used up pair and able to see when I presented,… by chance of having 20 bucks on me I’d opt to have a test not required nor likely to be something I even needed for my age but meh, it couldn’t hurt me I decided to pay for the random scan for whatever reason this day. My hour away from work would turn into having to schedule eye surgery, TWICE (because you know the first laser eye surgery I needed to not only vomit, but pass out apparently and have the fire department and ambulance called too…. No joke. And I knew I’d be in so much trouble because I’d assured craw that I was told I could drive myself after, not to take off work it’s not a big deal). Joke was on me!! I begged for him to finish the surgery that same day but the doctor laughed at me and I had to reschedule a month later in Germantown this time, a week or less before I present at the conference, mind you.

A tornado also randomly rips down and destroys the road I turn onto to get home daily somewhere in all this, and due to slight roof shingles damaged we decide to do the responsible adult thing and go ahead and replace the roof it was a smart and responsible decision we thought.

This tornado if it had even turned slightly by the way would have potentially killed us or destroyed our home and I thought we were so fortunate especially when our neighbors roofs were completely missing.

The day before my second eye surgery we go out to eat, a house literally across the street is burning to the ground, I mention how natural disasters seemed to be happening all around us and how lucky we were….

That night on the way home my throat I realize is closing up and I calmly call my nurse mother to inquire about ultimately how to not die but mostly don’t have time to have to go to the hospital with surgery being in the morning and it being inconveniently timed, “is there anything aside from Benadryl you’d advise for me?” And luckily after bathing and Benadryl I recover my allergy attack caused by literally breathing (so much pollen it was making my throat close up).

Craw drives me this time with or without my input this time of course, and we get to Germantown and he mentions the roofers not finishing and rain, just going to all negative “what ifs” and I tell him this and literally say, “when the rain comes or the roof does fall in that’s when we can react, but none of that has happened yet so let’s not create problems that don’t exist” I thought it was great logical advice in the moment. I was prepared for surgery #2 this time taking medication to calm me as I walk in the door:.. only to have it take HOURS to even be called back, and the medication worn off of course by this point. The doctor literally calls back craw this time and stops after a bit for a “break” asking if I’m okay, I genuinely respond, “yes, I’m okay” to which he bluntly tells me he doesn’t believe me and informs all staff “this one passed out on me last time please keep an eye on her.”

I make it through the surgery without vomiting or having emergency personnel called… get back home and I grab and slide the garbage can across the floor. “Are you going to be sick?” says my sweet concerned boyfriend, to which I reply in a monotone post-surgery completely worn out and in pain dry voice, “no, our roof is leaking.”

I help place containers under spots I find in various rooms, and he tells me to go sleep that there’s nothing we can do (nighttime and raining inside and outside too). I tell him to call the roofer as firmly as I can as my last piece of input or solution focused feedback, and gladly don’t argue with his permission to lay down and go pass out. I wake to sounds on our roof and think “good, the roofers came back” before passing out against. At some point I wake up and walk in a confusion and head still pounding from an eye surgery

that I didn’t know I needed from deciding to pay for a scan not required especially at my age I didn’t need, as I tried to get my contacts but couldn’t without an annual checkup…. Yeah, and the reason the doctor said for me to have Retinoschisis which isn’t normal or seen much at my age (without head trauma),…. “Bad luck” is exactly what he said was the reason or cause. Just completely random, and I’m still unsure if I’m grateful or ungrateful at this point that I decided Why Not and paid 20 bucks extra for an unneeded scan.

Back to the roof,… I half daze wander around confused at the time or day and where craw was, I turn the corner to the living room and more looking like the tornado did in fact hit, just stuff everywhere moved furniture and such, and I sat there in silence as he sat also in silence. I then went back to bed without a word… woke again to literally the roof falling in. Despite everything we manage to find the silver lining and gratitude in the owner offering to pay for the damages and finishing the roof too, … little did we know.

I spend a day and a half helping box and move half of our belongings and 3 rooms into a storage space in our front yard, I spend a few hours boxing and helping the next morning and literally have to pack and drive to a conference I’m presenting at and haven’t prepared for beyond throwing together a slideshow months and months prior only because Rod was told last second that our stuff (objectives and references and such) were due the same day I got informed haha and I literally reached to find objectives and references I could incorporate all while literally not even knowing what exactly I was presenting on. After all, i would have plenty of time to figure it out and work on it….

Life had other plans and literally everything that could happen to prevent me from preparing (so I thought then at least) did happen and I managed to somehow not only accurately guess timing and have no fear recognizing how irrelevant stress over this was in comparison to the last few weeks, and then turn around and do it again and timing it almost perfectly,… the whole time doubting myself and thinking “oh well” as far as having been able to give it my everything and prepare better,… only to find out somehow I got the highest ratings from the entire conference and all presentations.

I was stunned. I remember how I found out is a colleague congratulating me after I got back and I thought they must’ve been confused on where I was or something,… no, that’s how I found out is everyone knew about it apparently from Rod bragging on me and I had no clue whatsoever, I initially assumed it was a joke at my misfortune, it was funny…

It wasn’t a joke: that happened.

I was asked to present again months later for a conference I hadn’t heard of or been to and gladly accepted knowing I could prepare and the audience was different but I had time and would be ready for it.

Craw happened to find Ruby deceased in the yard unexpectedly, within a week he was in the hospital himself, two days later I was having to say goodbye to my best friend and my child,… my entire existence and what my life revolved around, I had to decide his pain was greater than what decision I knew before then that I could not ever choose,… I had to choose and say goodbye… I know he would’ve held on for me for forever, and I was in so much denial about how much he hurt, I never realized until a moment that I can’t talk about yet because it causes me so much pain and guilt I haven’t worked through it just yet… I’ll get there, not ready yet for that part apparently, grief is definitely a process and comes in waves. Losing Moka has been the most difficult and confusing and devastating thing I’ve known,… and I still am scared to visit Helena and haven’t been there since the day I sleep deprived and completely exhausted dripped sweat digging through roots for hours with my fresh out of the hospital boyfriend, we buried him in the secret garden… it was a beautiful perfect spot my mother found for my baby. I have no idea how I will react when I finally get the chance to get to visit and make up Christmas with my family (year 3 due to flu this time and the only two times I’ve had COVID being exactly one year apart on Christmas).

Life has just kept knocking me back wave after wave after wave I don’t have time to fo anything but plant my feet best I’m able and fight with all I have to not completely get knocked over. I’m too tired to cry or think or know anything anymore,… within a day or two of burying my entire life of the last 13.5 years it’s time to present again at the conference I was supposed to prepare for this time. I had no energy or reason to be anxious and wondered how or why I even panic or fear it at all, it’s not a big deal, and that “stress” I assumed was justified and even the reason I didn’t get to prepare for the first conference (tornadoes, roof falling in, eye surgeries) I realized then weren’t shit and I only thought I understood what I truly had no clue how insignificant something so significant just a week before wasn’t at all “the worst”….

I am grateful my bestie is with me and he sees me do something he’s never known or experienced before (my career side or what I mean by present at a conference).

I felt guilty for not being able to give more focus or energy towards truly trying to enjoy my time there, and was a roller coaster of fresh grief on the only trip I got to take with my bestie for the year, and he decided to sacrifice to go with me for something work related and did so with excitement and pride and I couldn’t truly enjoy and appreciate it all in the moment and I wish I could’ve because I see and know how special and important it all was for me. I am proud to say he finally karaokes after years of trying to get him to Jared decided in a casino in front of a bunch of legal representation was the comfortable first time experience he wanted (and killed it and had the crowd engaged and excited btw- fearless somehow in the one time I found it completely intimidating, these were professionals in my field I sang for which felt very different than strangers in some restaurant/bar.)

I return home to diving back into helping where I am able in sorting through our space and ripping out carpets and having to rip out the walls entirely too, and entire roof of the largest room.

The guy who I had decided I respected for paying for damages and owning up to it being his fault—- he just vanished. Poof💨

Never kept his word, no payments or help fixing our home, just completely MIA. I changed my opinion and still managed to find silver linings for us in everything despite the seemingly overwhelming odds stacked against us…

I honestly can’t remember what happened next,… Mirabelle went missing… three of our fur babies just gone in under 2 weeks,…

Work was rocky, I’d been out a lot but not for any vacations or fun planned trips for pleasure, and then more days for surgeries too— I did get the chance to see Tenacious D and take my very first trip of my entire life with my sisters (just us 3)… so my time off for myself truly in total was less than a week, but nobody knew I just was out more than I’d ever missed and I only wish it were all fun and vacations but i was grateful nonetheless for the opportunity to present and get CEUs too for the first conference… and I remember realizing at that first conference that I was presenting alongside some of my biggest heroes, two of my bosses over the last years and what I considered “the big wigs” and pros. I was mind blown realizing a decade prior I was the participant attending and intimidated by these “professionals” I had NO CLUE id be that presenter in the same building years later, and Shane Garrard echoed in my memory of the last time I’d been there and the conferences before I always knew and expected him there, and how he made fun of me being nervous the first time I presented and him getting asked on the spot to fill in and do one someone else last minute was unable to do- I poked fun back only to be intimidated by how he on the spot knocked it out of the park, naturally, with zero preparation or heads up whatsoever. Most inspirational thing ever to see, and never understood how until this year I had no choice in deciding, life determined I needed to know and understand that last presentation interaction with Shane…

Rod and I talked about him the entire conference actually. How we missed and admired him, how he was still there and the moments we saw our friend and a huge inspiration and impact in our lives wnd careers. So focused on something missing I never realized even still that I had no idea about anything at all… ignorant,

Here I am having a flashback to approaching Rod 7 years ago terrified joking but also so serious to call me if they ever needed a therapist. He told me they didn’t and he would, and then I brushed it off as if one of those “stop by anytime” moments that numerous people who say don’t actually mean it… I honestly figured it was a pleasantly on his part, …

I had moved closer to my job and lived one week before Rod called me to interview. I showed up knowing I couldn’t take it and was covered in paint, it was after work hours, and I wasn’t nervous because I knew Rod as my boss before he left the job, and through Shane and SFL days, over a decade…

The other guy seemed kinda intimidating.

I was asked about art which I found super cool,… causally asked for “the tour” and about animals,… I was shocked to meet 4 furry fluffs, one being who we all know and love as the mile mascot, Peezy.

I was expecting to not get offered a job (I’m late in paint covered scrubs, no way anyone would even consider or take that seriously)… joke was on me as the CEO offered a job to me on the spot, that was the only nervousness I had and panicked responding with “24 hours” as how long I need to think on it.

I called Rod back and made fun of myself that I definitely needed longer and to do some math since id have an hour commute from Etta…. (Literally was 1 minute away from my job and had just moved- seeing overall how much gas I’ll save….. joke was on me. lol)

I have no idea how but realized just today when asked how long I’d worked there, the answer was 5 years. I’d never been at a job that long.

Earlier this year I’d fought the idea of needing to leave wondering if “my team” was unable to be mended like we used to be… I fought so hard in the background to reunite us all, and felt everything I did was not heard and unimportant. I felt very alone and misunderstood.

◦ I had no idea what to do and didn’t have the one connection and always there and adored me no matter how broken, he always understood, listened, and loved me when I felt unlovable. Mok was gone… and I had all the tools I knew for coping and nothing worked, I realized later Mok was the one who picked up any pieces that I thought I’d done all the work on… he absorbed anything that would have spilled over, so I never knew that until I have had to search frantically for the solution or coping skill, desperately fighting completely breaking down entirely,… scraping to find the very thing I’m so gifted naturally in,… finding the good, the lesson, the hope or silver lining… I called a few very close lifetime friends and was told they worried for years knowing Mok was getting older and fearing me completely losing it. … I was told after saying a huge chunk of me is just missing- it’s not there… I don’t know to get that back or feel okay or see or care about anything, and I was told “you might not ever get that piece of you back or be the same Resa you were. ”

• Rod schedules his surgery delegating his “team” to our tasks as he is out and excited “confident in his team” with no hesitation.

We lose our leader, mentor, friend, boss unexpectedly. I am asked to take on responsibilities and tasks I was entirely ignorant to (billing/insurance) along with other clinical responsibilities and stepped into interim clinical director at that point.

Things seemed just to keep happening— on campus, off campus, and within 2 weeks I said goodbye to Rod, Lacey, and Rickey too- all powerful influences and good friends of mine, especially when b the last 5 years.

I somehow realized and understood everything Rod meant and believed in through his years of always referring to being confident in the abilities of “my team”

I watched and was part of us all dropping any bullshit petty drama from whenever and pulling together out of our belief in and love for the Mile and respect for everything the program is and what Rod had created. We were and are that team more so than ever and I’ve always etched and been so proud of every curveball (and we coincidentally got to experience all of them all at once it seems) we have as a team managed to work together to lift one another up, lean on each other, and respect we don’t understand what’s happening behind the scenes but respect and believe in Rod hand selecting and believing in us individually knowing our unique talents and our differences when united we Together can accomplish anything… I am proud today to accept and fall into the title of clinical director officially as of yesterday, stunned at how I’ve managed to teach myself things I’ve never looked at or knew anything about and prevailed leaning pretty hard into discomfort and embracing each opportunity to truly challenge my potential like I’ve never had to do before. I’m proud and excited to continue to work alongside incredible dedicated and super talented individuals who truly care and fight the good fight- “our team” is the best of the best and I’m excited to continue to learn and grow alongside individuals I can depend on and learn from and truly admire.

I realized though that had 2023 not unfolded the way it did and as rapid fire as it did, I’d never have believed in myself or my ability to the degree I’ve learned I can be today. It took me having no choice and taking life on life’s terms every step of the way to “ride the wave” as I refer to it as… I wasn’t given a choice to prepare or plan in the same ways I would’ve and pushed through successfully despite the traumas unfolding constantly starting back in the early months and not letting up even up to missing Christmas a third year in a row for being sick, I avoided Covid but wound up with the flu regardless of my attempts to not get sick. Ride the wave my friends, it’s all we can do sometimes. And every once in a while you may be given no choice but to keep going and may just realize how much more capable you truly are than you believed before. Rod saw all of our talents and believed in us I just didn’t realize it all to the effect I do today at the time. I now see because I’ve literally been a part of the success of each ability and talent that makes up “our team.”

Ready to close 2023 chapter now, I found my lesson, God. I hope that’s the right one and that I don’t need more experiences to see and know it. Grateful today for the hardships as without them I’d never know growth.