Sometimes I just need silence.  I forget how important of a piece this is for me to be able to actually just let go and relax.  I don’t really recognize I guess because it’s so routine that I literally have very little actual silence in my life, and honestly, I haven’t ever really known that nor would I be able to tolerate it for an extensive period of time probably.

I don’t think people recognize what it’s like to be me, and I realize obviously that nobody ever will because I’m the only me that exists,… that’s not what I’m trying to convey.  I just don’t think anyone pauses to really place themselves in my shoes on a “typical” day or what my “normal” routine consists of. Hell, we are all guilty of this, we get so wrapped up in our own versions of the world and experience, react, and understand the things and interactions we have based on our own perceptions and knowledge which is based solely on our life experience.  Meaning, no matter how similar I may think I am to whoever on this interesting big ball that we coincide and spin around in an endless unknown universe on, nobody experiences it the same.

I could literally sit beside the person who is the closet to myself that exists on the planet and watch the same sunset from the same place, even appreciate and acknowledge and agree on the same profound ideas, yet, those beautiful swirls of red-oranges, yellows that somehow melt into perfectly blended in transition to purples and darkness, but I only know the world through my own eyesight and just assume that everyone else’s experience of these beautiful visual stimulations reflect the view I also am experiencing in the same way. We can’t see the same thing, even on the most simplistic basic level that most people don’t even toss about as something that exists, but here we are both staring into something simultaneously beautiful and inspiriting and can agree, yet we don’t have the same eyesight even and can’t see what the other sees, no matter how badly we think or want to.  We never will, not in exactly the same way. 

Experiences in life that we have are our own and truly the world can be such a lonely space if you realize that in the grand scheme of things, most individuals on this planet are going about their day-to-day lives, no matter how mundane, inspiring, transformational, or traumatic, the lives we live and the world we know truly are each our own. We all coexist and experience and connect, and it’s beautiful and wonderful, don’t mishear me, please. We would not survive without another, in my opinion, both on a physical scientific and repopulation obvious level, but the world would not evolve and talents and differences couldn’t be utilized,… we all are gifted in such beautiful ways that are different (which is exactly what makes it work and so beautiful I think)…. Yet without one another, no matter how skilled the most skilled individual may be, they aren’t the best at every thing that can be, and the world could not progress beyond what it is already.

I got off onto a deep philosophical exploration.  I love when I find this rare silence and when my mind finally is able to just let go and pour out my natural self and inner thoughts that I had no idea even were there to begin with, at least not in these words. I never plan what I write, and I would be a terrible writer if I ever attempted to.  I’ve always been the best when I’m able to free-write in the moment unaware of what I’m even about to say next. It’s quite fascinating and one of the best feelings I know. I can’t always access this, unfortunately.

Most people. Well I think it’s fair to encompass the majority of human beings, as we all live in our own versions of our own world here together…. We think we understand and know what someone does or who they are but rarely do people examine beyond that understanding, and most times nobody recognizes we truly never will fully comprehend everything about one another. It’s really rare and very inspiring when you happen to be what I refer to as one of the “real” humans that still exist and push beyond the Barries of what’s comfortable for you, not by choice even, but because when it comes down to allowing someone to avoid pain or feeling alone/misunderstood/hurt, you naturally give your entirety to not “make them feel better” necessarily, or for any pat on the back or subconscious expectation that they’ll return the favor one day if you need… just an innate drive,. An energy and pull in your core, like it’s what you’re made to do. Even if you wanted to not care, or turn it off, it’s impossible. I’ve often become so frustrated because I can watch individuals all around me just choose to let other people who have done them no harm and are placed in their paths either by pure coincidence or perhaps they are customers of some sort,… it doesn’t matter really. I’m mind boggled and often question if there is something wrong with ME that it seems so natural and easy to just let another human being be neglected/hurt/suffer/whatever for no reason other than they would and often do choose selfishness and laziness over doing what’s “right” (Again, I know I know, this word in itself isn’t seen the same for each person- each individual possesses their own understanding of this word too based on life experience) … but generally, good can I think be agreed upon as a big category encompassing an overall message that can be agreed upon by most of society.   

I guess I needed to write this in this detailed philosophical way for myself really…. To understand that my frustrations and the heaviness that I’m experiencing is my own, really… and I’m not going off the cliff into the abyss any deeper and start questioning whether writing is pointless entirely due to this understanding that nobody understands in the same way entirely… because I’d I think break myself in half and lose hope.

That’s my point though, it’s not possible for me to do so. It’s not possible for me to intentionally harm a person, no matter what they’ve done or if they hurt me. That’s abnormal I know that much, but it’s also impossible for me to neglect someone’s needs who truly needs my attention or support or service, whatever it is, if it’s true and pure and it’s me and three others standing in their path, both the individual in need as well as the peers alongside me somehow know that no matter who backs away or chooses to ignore or neglect the need and person, that I will make sure they have someone and if I know they don’t I’m not going to leave them alone or let them hurt or feel like they are the burden.

It’s exhausting because I sometimes wish I could not care. Like just be oblivious and live in my own little world and be the center of my universe, because clearly I just explained that is pretty much how we live life, right?  I guess my experience and my universe and world are my reason and fire within me that can’t allow me to let another suffer on my expense, ever.  I am incapable of intentionally harming another, and I’ve desperately wanted to, trust me… I’ve been deliberately run over and used and left there bleeding on the side of a road that no one travels in the middle of the night… I could say I have every right to harm the individuals who did so to me, and even have a burning desire within my soul to do so, but I literally am incapable of this.

I suppose it’s a gift in most ways, but also quite a curse not being able to NOT care about those that most of the world understands don’t even deserve attention, time, or effort from anyone at all. That might be true in most senses, however, that doesn’t mean they deserve to be intentionally harmed by me, I would/could never allow anyone to experience the pain and loneliness I’ve known, nor the misunderstood alienated placeholder that I often get thrown and used as, for lack of better words to explain.

As a therapist I listen to everyone all day long, and as a natural empath and the innate draw to understand, help, and better others and this world we share as a home, a fascination and excitement by differences and eagerness to genuinely learn more about individual people I encounter, whether a store clerk, best friend, colleague, client, enemy, rich, poor, bad, good, whatever labels you throw out there, I see an opportunity and think to myself HOW LUCKY AM I to get the opportunity to experience the only version of this individual that exists in the world?! What can I learn from them? What makes them unique and their talents? Cam I help in any way to inspire or encourage them to share with me the very pieces that make them that one sole version this planet inhabits? 

So I feel everything and everyone and care about all living creatures, animals and humans, and I can’t help it. I can’t turn it off. Not only is this my natural being and I absorb what another is feeling whether I want to or like it or not, it’s part of being a natural empath and I accept it as both blessing and curse but wouldn’t ever change it.

Yet here I wound up also in the profession in which I take on so much pain and carry alongside each individual every piece of their hurt and I FEEL IT and journey alongside them as I act as their mirror and help them find their true strength and heal. I’m the glass they pour their full cup into, no matter how murky, heavy, cloudy, intense, poisonous, or good it might be, I’m able to allow them to continue forward and be lighter, but it gets very heavy for me. 

Something so simple and powerful as silence, however, I truly forget to mandate as a piece of my routine for today reminded me that I will not be able to continue forward or carry any of my own stuff, much less another’s without taking space to just exist….

Trauma has unfortunately placed me with one unresolved part I can’t seem to find how to work through, which is hypertension especially surrounding sound. After growing up having to use intense listening and being hypersensitive to surroundings and sound without making it known to anyone else, in order to survive or avoid pain, followed by experiences and more unfortunate traumas and individuals who have no problem harming me or using me for what they want no matter the consequence it may play on my life or myself…. Yeah, it’s crazy how much just taking a moment to just sit with nothing at all, no music, no talking, no people, no television, nothing. Just to absorb “space” I guess again… to allow all the heaviness of everything I carry 24/7 professionally as well as just naturally without choice, empathy at it’s core… Silence I suppose is the space I can put some of that down, without having to be hyperaware or distracted by the sounds and buzzing of technology and distractions and potential dangers too. I think I just figured out that I’m tense and can’t let myself relax truly until I’m able to hear everything around me so that I’m protecting myself and those around me too.

WOW. That was deep. 

Also I am so proud of myself after feeling the intense need to write IMMEDIATELY and WordPress locking me out after too many failed attempts at the password I’d finally gotten to change, I didn’t allow that to stand in my way.   TAKE THAT TECHNOLOGY AND ALL YOUR LOCKS AND RULES AND REGULATIONS!  I can adapt as I need to but I won’t allow restrictions to prevent me from pouring out my moment when I needed to, as I had to, or else it’d be gone and never have existed. 

The only obstacle we ever face truly, will always be ourselves.  Remember that, understand and believe this, KNOW it and you’re unstoppable.

Somehow I think you knew that already,…

     Perhaps it was just forgotten. If so, I’m happy that I could remind you of who you are, and if I haven’t at all then perhaps at least I’ve sparked something that you can ignite in a way that can help you better your life and your journey in the way you receive and apply it best.

I enjoyed wandering down the rabbit hole and hope you, whoever you are, I’m honored and excited knowing you’re the one and only version of you, and how lucky and honored I am to have even the idea that your eyes and mind decided my words were worth your attention, time, and interest.

Until next time, don’t lose yourself in the chaos.

You’re amazing.

—Resa